Lily King - Euphoria

I am tired tonight. Trying to learn another language—3 rdone in 18 months — probing a new set of people who but for the matches & razors would rather be left alone — it has never felt more daunting to me before. What was it B said? Something about how all we’re watching is natives toadying to the white man. Glimpses of how it really was before us are rare, if not impossible. He despairs at the deepest level that this work has no meaning. Does it? Have I been deluding myself? Are these wasted years?

1/10 I think I have made a friend. A woman named Malun. She came by today with some lovely little coconut shell drinking cups for us, a few cooking pots, & a full bilum bag of yams & smoked fish. She speaks several local languages but only a small bit of pidgin so we mostly flapped our arms and laughed. She is older, past childbearing, head shaved like all married women here, muscular & stern until she breaks into giggles which seem against her strong will. By the end of the visit she was trying on my shoes.

I went down this afternoon to see how our real house is coming along. I like the spot we chose, right at the intersection of the women’s & men’s roads (the men of course have the best water views) where we will be able to keep an eye on the action. There are about 30 people on the job at this point and Fen bossing every last one of them around with only a handful of Tam words but a big barking voice when he needs it. So glad it is not directed at me.

Slowly winning over a few children. I go up to the field behind the women’s sleeping houses where they play or down to the lake where they swim and I squat on the ground and wait. Today I brought a bright red toy train and pushed it through the sand, making it rumble. Their curiosity was stronger than their fear and they approached until I said “Toot toot!” and they scattered and I laughed and eventually the train lured them back. I added at least 50 new words to my little lexicon while I sat with them. All the body parts plus landscape terms. They don’t tire as adults do explaining things. They like to be experts. And these are little kids 3 to 8 maybe. They’re an independent bunch, so different from the Kirakira with their protective adolescent guardians. Here those older girls are meant to start fishing & weaving by 9 or 10 it seems, and the boys apprenticing in the pottery & painting trades. So the little children roam free. Oh little Piya & Amini with their round bellies & tulip bark belts. I just want to scoop them up and carry them about, but for now they keep several yards between us, wary, looking up the beach, making sure there is an adult within sight.

1/11 This afternoon Fen brought home a houseboy, a shoot boy & a cookboy. He had his pick down at the construction site, though the shoot boy seems too delicate to bring us much more than a duck or a shrew and the houseboy Wanji tied a dishrag on his head and raced off to show his friends and never came back. But the cookboy saw the yams & the fish and got to work without a word. His name is Bani and he is serious & quiet and I think a bit of a misfit here among the loud chatty men. If he were a little older he’d make a good informant, but I don’t think he’s more than 14. Fen & I haven’t had the informant battle yet. I told him today at lunch that he could have first pick. He said it didn’t matter who he picked because he’d just want who I had in the end. So I said he could choose then I’d choose then he could choose again. We had a laugh about it. I told him that my next book would be How to Handle Your Man in the Bush.

I have found a language teacher. Karu. He knows some pidgin from a childhood spent near the patrol station in Ambunti. Thanks to him my lexicon has over 1000 words in it now & I quiz myself morning & night though part of me wishes I could have more time without the language. There is such careful mutual observing that goes on without it. My new friend Malun took me today to a women’s house where they were weaving & repairing fishing nets and we sat with her pregnant daughter Sali & Sali’s paternal aunt & the aunt’s four grown daughters. I am learning the chopped rhythm of their talk, the sound of their laughter, the cant of their heads. I can feel the relationships, the likes & dislikes in the room in a way I never could if I could speak. You don’t realize how language actually interferes with communication until you don’t have it, how it gets in the way like an overdominant sense. You have to pay much more attention to everything else when you can’t understand the words. Once comprehension comes, so much else falls away. You then rely on their words, and words aren’t always the most reliable thing.

1/13 Have just spent 4 hours typing up 2 days’ worth of notes. Completed census today, 17 houses, 228 people. Had to pry Fen away from housebuilding to get the numbers from the men’s houses, which I cannot enter.

Every now and then, if I am not careful, I think of B patching me up that first night and everything goes a little wobbly inside me for a few seconds. It is probably good that he has not come back as soon as he promised he would.

1/17 Malun came over today with an enormous basket and a very serious expression on her face. Xambun, she explained, is her son. She opened the basket and showed me hundreds of lengths of knotted palm fronds, a knot for every day he’s been gone. I felt like I grew 4 new ears trying to piece together what she was telling me. It took a while, but I learned that Xambun is not dead. He was lured away by blackbirders to work in a mine, Edie Creek is my guess. He is a big man, a tall man, a wise man, a fast runner, a good swimmer, an excellent hunter, she told me. (Both Bani & Wanji have since confirmed these things and more. Xambun seems to be their Paul Bunyan, George Washington, & John Henry all in one.) Malun wanted to know if we knew the men he went off with. I’m starting to think this is why they took us in so readily, they thought we had information about Xambun. I wish we did. What a treasure trove a man like that would be, what perspective he would have on his own people. Malun believes he is coming home very soon. I didn’t have words or the heart to tell her what I know of those gold mines. I didn’t tell her he might not be free to leave. Oh the love & fear in her eyes as she stroked her basket stuffed with knots.

I had three objectives when I sat down to write my mother every week.

1) Provide proof that I was still alive

2) Convince her that my work had value and was moving swiftly in the right direction

3) Imply without directly stating that I would rather be in her house in Grantchester than anywhere else on earth.

The first objective was, of course, the easiest. I accomplished it as soon as I typed ‘Dear Mother.’ The other two required deceit, and she sniffed out duplicity in me like a hellhound sniffs death.

But now there was a fourth objective: Do not mention Nell Stone. Easy enough, you might think. And yet I found it impossibly difficult. Three letters I had already yanked from the typewriter. I crumpled them and tossed them out the window and little Kanshi and two of his pals were knocking them around with cane sticks. I tossed out a fourth and the boys shouted with pleasure and Kanshi’s grandmother called out from her mosquito bag that she was napping and could they please go and drown themselves.

I twisted in another sheet of paper.

Dear Mother,

Today I believe is the first of February. Three months left. Perhaps this letter and I will arrive at your door at the same time. The garden will be in full flourish then, and we will sit for tea beneath the lilacs and juneberries and all will be right with my world once more.

I hope this letter finds you in sound health, and that no winter ‘flu has reached your door. Has it been a mild winter?