Adam Levin - The Instructions

And so it is always better to force the issue. It is always better to place your faith in your ability to save yourself from men than to have faith that Adonai will save you from men. To be favored by Adonai, you must first truly love Him, yet to truly love Adonai you must love your life more than Him.

In the kitchen with Rabbi Salt, I drove the story toward the second point.

He said, “You’ve made it your own.”

Not good? I said.

He said, “It’s a bobe-mayse — it’s not scripture.” = “Do what you want with the Shabbos Non-Smoker.”

Back in the study we drank coffee, read Rashi.

Eventually the Rebbetsen knocked and said we had twenty minutes til dinner, but the Rabbi closed his Chumash anyway. “What was this business with the grape before?” he said. “My daughter’s upset with you?”

He and I never talked about Esther and I, but I knew the two of them did, so I decided it wouldn’t be ratting to talk about us.

She’s upset, I said, but she won’t be for long. I said, We weren’t speaking for a while because we broke up and I didn’t want to break up, but now I understand it’s much better that we broke up, so we agree now and should soon be able to speak again.

“I see,” he said. “And what made you change your mind?”

I said, I haven’t told Esther yet, and I don’t know if I should, but I’m in love with another girl. Eliza June Watermark.

Rabbi Salt said, “She goes to Aptakisic, this Eliza?” = “Is she as much a shiksa as her name would seem to indicate?”

I said, She’s an Israelite. Her parents aren’t, but she has an Israelite soul.

“She has a Jewish soul?”

You say that like it’s a weird thing to say. Her soul was at Mount Sinai when Torah was delivered. If that’s weird, then fine, but that’s what it means, and everyone agrees that that’s what it means. Her soul was there at Sinai when Torah was delivered, and therefore she has an Israelite soul.

“But how do you know she has a Jewish soul if she doesn’t have a Jewish mother?” said Rabbi Salt. “How do you know that her soul was at Mount Sinai?”

I said, I converted her.

The Rabbi grabbed his lapels and laughed.

It’s true, I said.

“For the sake of argument, let’s say you, Gurion Maccabee, did have the power to perform a conversion on someone,” he said. “This person you say you’ve converted is still a child, meaning she still lives with her Gentile parents, and therefore no one in the community would consider the conversion legitimate.”

I said, Well, my parents aren’t observant — their household isn’t kosher, we don’t keep Shabbos. Still, you’d never deny that I’m an Israelite.

“You’ve been provided with a strong Jewish education,” he said.

And I am happy for my education, but if having a Jewish education is what makes a person an Israelite, the vast majority of Israelites would be Gentiles.

“You’re right,” said the Rabbi, “the family and the education are beside the point in this matter. A Jew born a Jew is always a Jew. It’s simply not the same for Gentiles.”

I agree, I said. I said, But June’s an Israelite, not a Gentile.

“If her mother is a Gentile, then June is a Gentile. It’s very simple.”

I said, But her soul—

“She can have as much Jewish soul as Barbara Streisand, yet she’s been born into a Gentile family, so she’s not a Jew until she’s been converted and the conversion is recognized by the community. That’s how it is.”

I said, I don’t know that that’s true.

“Then why did you attempt to convert her, Gurion? If you believe she’s Jewish regardless of what your community thinks, why even bother?”

Are you angry at me? I said. I said, Your voice just got—

“I’m not angry,” he said. “Frankly, I’m a little worried.”

I said, We’re having a conversation — don’t be worried. I’ll convince you I’m right.

“You won’t convince me, Gurion. It’s you who needs convincing — that’s why I’m worried.”

I remembered his letter, the end of his letter, the part where he wrote that I needed repairing, that Brodsky could fix me… I was talking to a man who’d believed I’d been broken, who’d believed I’d stay broken were I kept in the Cage for over two weeks, and now, ten weeks later, I was still in the Cage. What now did he believe? What now did he imagine he was he doing here with me? Charity work? No, I thought. Not charity work. Remember who this man is, I thought. This is Rabbi Avel Salt. Your favorite teacher ever. He has always had your back, never been condescending; he’s not acting condescendingly now, so calm down. Were he condescending now, he wouldn’t voice his doubts to you. He’d let you live in what he thinks is a fantasy, rather than trying to end that fantasy. He’d say, “Fine, June’s an Israelite, if that’s what you think.” And that’s not what he’s doing. Instead he’s voicing doubts. But doubts aren’t certainties; they’re not assertions of wrongness, just questions of rightness. Doubts you can deal with. Doubts you can remove. That’s something you’re good at.

I was sure I would convince him.

Zipporah, I said. I said, What about Zipporah? She was raised by Gentiles, and it doesn’t say anywhere that Moses converted her, let alone in front of any community, yet no scholar has ever said that she wasn’t an Israelite, not even before Torah was delivered — and he married her before the Torah was delivered, had kids with her before—

“Different times,” said the Rabbi.

That’s never the right answer, I said, and you know it. I said, Anyway, times weren’t so different. There was no king in Israel then, and there’s no king in Israel now.

“Then how about this: You’re not Moses.”

You’re angry at me, I said.

“Because I say you’re not Moses, you think I’m angry?”

I said, It’s the way you said it. I said, You said it like: ‘Who do you think you are, Gurion? You’re not Moses.’ You said I’m not Moses like I don’t know I’m not Moses. You said it like I think I’m Moses. I don’t think I’m Moses. And I don’t think Moses thought he was any kind of Moses — not when he married Zipporah. And he wasn’t really Moses when he married Zipporah, not the Moses we know. He hadn’t led us from bondage. He hadn’t transcribed Torah. And he didn’t even know that he would. Adonai hadn’t told him anything about that stuff. Moses was just an outlaw and a fugitive from Egypt. He was hiding in a desert. His greatness was only potential.

“But who is to say, Gurion, that Zipporah would have been accepted as a Jew if Moses had not eventually made actual his potential greatness?”

Fine, I said.

“Fine?” he said. “You’re telling me fine ?”

Yes, I said.

“You’re saying ‘fine’ and ‘yes,’ but at the same time you’re giving me the Bob Dylan routine.” He meant about how I’d pulled my hood on.

I said, I have to think.

“What do you have to think?” said Rabbi Salt. “What do you need her to be Jewish right now? If you marry her, it won’t be for years yet. Be friends for now — there is nothing wrong with that. And if, years from now, when she’s no longer living with her parents, she still wants to convert? Baruch Hashem.”

I told her she was an Israelite, I said, and Adonai did not object. He would’ve objected if her soul had not been there when Torah was delivered. And He would not fall me in love with someone who is not an Israelite.

“This is not the kind of thing you can expect anyone to take your word for.”

I pulled on my hood-strings.

“Gurion,” said the Rabbi. “Gurion?” he said.