Aleksandar Tišma - The Use of Man

May 4

Nothing new. E. is silent. I was right. I don’t like his kind. Especially Jews. I went to the cinema, saw “The Merry Widow.” Excellent! Very amusing. There is an honest woman. She acted well. Love conquered her. I, too, would like to be loved — just a little — but all that is over. Autumn is at the gate. I don’t really want to see it.

May 30

Tomorrow, Whitsun. Nothing new. Klara wrote; her words hurt me. Last night I dreamed of L. Wearisome nights. I long for love!

Next month I go away. May God help me.

June 30

Since the 26th I’ve been here in Zagreb. But how forlorn I feel! On account of E. I see now what a liar he is. Dear God, help me! You alone see how unhappy I am. But why, why? Can no one be trusted? Never mind! He’s not worth thinking about. I won’t think about him! I want to forget and I will forget what I’ve heard.

July 13

Here I am, ill, my will broken. What have I done? Yesterday, Dr. G. I yielded to him. He overcame me. Never mind. I learned something, a good lesson for me. I don’t despise him — it’s his nature. And dear E.? I broke off with him! It’s better this way. I will remain alone. G. told me the truth, but not the whole truth.

I spent some lovely hours with him, lovely, but to what purpose? God help me, I no longer believe in anything. I would weep if I could, if I were alone — but I’m not. Only my heart is alone.

Lord, do not abandon me!

August 30

Back home three weeks already! Tomorrow, with God’s help, work begins. Deliver us from holidays without joy, without pleasure. But luckily everything can be forgotten. And I have forgotten. I love my work; all my reward is in it.

December 30

Little book, dearest friend, how long is it since I’ve seen you? And what bitter hours. The worry of earning enough to eat. What can I say? Lament my troubles? No, I have put lamenting behind me. Serbian Christmas is almost here.

January 15, 1937

Another year has passed.

The festive season is over, joyless. I received nice gifts, but nothing makes me happy. I am cold inside, my nerves are terrible, I am so tired. I don’t want to hear anything about the past. God grant that my pupils learn and get good grades. Klara writes rarely. The holidays are approaching again. Very cold today. Otherwise, nothing new. God, do not abandon me.

January 26

Blizzard. It’s impossible for me to leave my room. The elements are as angry as we are. How dismal life is! My health is not good. Lord, give me strength to get through this! The days pass without happiness; my pupils are often rude.

February 12

Extremely pleasant weather. But I’m very tired. Mila was here Sunday. That’s how it is when you have a sister but don’t really have a sister. I know that I’m an old maid and will remain one. Nothing but conniving on all sides. God, help me.

March 28

Easter! Cold, vile weather, which suits my mood. But no, sunshine would cheer me up. Many times I wanted to write and complain to you, dear little book. I had much to say. For the moment, thank God, there’s enough work, but the students are poor. I’m taking on too much; that’s why I have so little energy. Once again the school year draws to a close. A gloomy, vacant year. God grant the next one will be better. I must make a new schedule.

Klara has invited me to go to Rogaška Slatina: I’ll see. I must look for a new home. Pleasure, sunshine, happiness, where are you hiding? Come out, come to see me just once!

April 22

Rain for four whole weeks. Melancholy has taken hold of me. And my work is not going well. This year I took on too much. I mustn’t let that happen again. The results are not nearly as good. If fewer students show up in the autumn, I mustn’t forget that I swore to work less. This is beyond my strength. I can feel it. Dear, kind God, make everything end well. Sun, where are you?

August 15

The next to the last day of my stay here. I have learned something, seen the people I wanted to see, done what I wanted to do.

But with no pleasure.

October 20

What can I say? Everything is the same. My health, thank God, is all right. My work is difficult. Klara’s friendship has cooled. No matter. It’s all in the past. Wonderful weather, as in midsummer.

November 13

Terribly windy for three days now. This sudden change is unpleasant. I’ve had a chill since the 1st. I haven’t been out of my room. Everything is a struggle. God, just give me my health! I’ve gained weight this year, more than four kilos, I’m looking better. I have to laugh when men’s eyes linger on me — me, already in the autumn of my life. I have no regrets, but if only the sun would shine on me just once more! On the night of November 1st I dreamt of my father. He was playing the piano. He lifted me up and said: My poor unfortunate child.

January 10, 1938

Christmas, holidays, again without cheer. New Year’s Eve at F. Feith’s, but otherwise working. Yesterday to the theater, the day before to the cinema: “Der Pfarrer von Kirchfeld.” Awakens an aching longing for my native country. The people, nature, loving eyes. I know now what it is I miss. Worries, serious worries on account of my students. Almighty God, give me strength. Since December 21st, extreme cold.

January 27

St. Sava’s Day. A national holiday this year. I was working.

Sunday, I made a new acquaintance — Albin. Dark eyes. We have known of each other for a long time. He kissed my hand. A sweet memory. I spent several good days thinking about him. Small pleasures. His words, “I should like to see your beautiful eyes once again,” fill my heart.

September 11

It’s been a long time since I saw you, my good little friend. I had nothing to write. I spent the summer in Zagreb, uneventful. I’ve been back here since August 1st, and am already working. A lot of work. I rarely see A., but on the evening of September 5th I saw the one with whom I spent the best days of my life, K. He was so handsome, his eyes sought mine, our eyes met. As the national anthem was played, we looked at each other. A moment of inexpressible beauty. I feel that I love him and that he still loves me. I’d like to talk to him — I’ll call him — perhaps. Tonight I dreamt of him, we were kissing, he took me away. My dear, my dear. I love you.

I must think of the future. I’m forty-two, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I am amazed. Is this a woman on the brink of old age? My eyes shine, my cheeks are fresh. Merciful God, give me happiness just one more time!

October 23

I’ve been in my new lodgings for a few days now. Sad days. I hope I’ll soon calm down.

Father in Heaven, do not abandon me.

January 9, 1939

Christmas has come and gone, the New Year also. I stayed at home. To the cinema occasionally, good films. Otherwise, nothing. The weather is fine, a lot of snow— for our Christmas and for the Orthodox Christmas, too.

I must get back to work.

What can I say? I am unhappy, but I work.

January 27

Saint Sava, 1939.

Here I am, dear friend, with you again. But what will I write?

Mila was here. Perhaps I shall buy that house. I work. Work progresses, to quote Berberin’s messenger. But I’ve caught a chill and my head aches. Time goes so quickly, my students are lazy — today I had only four lessons. My loneliness is a curse. I must do something, I have a plan.

June 12

Ill since February. A lot of pain.

My God, God in Heaven, do not abandon me.

August 1

Still sick. The holidays are almost over. Don’t know where to begin. On Sunday I was at Vinkovci. The house is not for sale and I have lost my money, but I made an acquaintance — Rakić. I shall never forget it. The animal proposed marriage just to get what he wanted.