Aleksandar Tišma - The Use of Man

I’ve been to three lectures. Professor K. spoke wonderfully. About poetry, the indefatigable Leonardo da Vinci, and yesterday Christ and the Jews. He said the Jews are the greatest materialists, but without them it would be hard for the others to survive. They are the mortar between the bricks. Without Jews we would not be able to think logically. They are the creators of science. He went on to say that the greatest anti-Semites were themselves the greatest Jews. He spoke marvelously about Marx, Freud, Adler, Einstein. And then about judging people. His opinion is that we should judge only after we know the essence of a man. We should approach everyone with respect, for in every human being there is something noble, which must be explored.

October 1

Dear little book, how long you have lain untouched. I’ve been very busy, and was ill, a slight infection of the bladder. But I’m better now. Protect me, Almighty God, from illness.

My work helps me surmount everything. And helps me forget. Only when reading Egon’s letter do I feel a gentle pain. I cannot understand how a person can be so imperfect. It is a question of morals. I don’t want to be angry with him. Perhaps I will see him when I go to Zagreb. But I have become indifferent to him.

And Kleinchen, where is he? I won’t call him, although I would like to see him. That, too, will come.

Thank God I have a lot of pupils. Perhaps I will even make enough to go away for Christmas. That would be marvelous. I must go away more often, otherwise I will become completely cut off from people. But we shall see.

October 21

Monday. One o’clock in the garden, a splendid autumn, very hot, as if it were August. I’m weary, so weary, but reading my letters takes my mind off things. Egon has written again. His tone, after my letter, is cold. Silly little Egon. He says that he is old but his heart is young. I had to laugh out loud. Klara writes regularly and is glad that we will be seeing each other again. I, too, am glad.

October 28

Dear little book, you are my solace and my torment. When I open you, my eyes fill with tears, but sometimes, too, with a little joy. Life is so empty and sad. Yesterday I went to Dornstadter’s with two ladies. It is chaff we thresh! Is there nowhere a man who can understand me? God in Heaven, help me, bless my work, fulfill my desire.

November 1

All Saints! The bells are sad, so sad. I’ve just returned from the cemetery. I saw Kleinchen there, talked to him. God, open wounds! Only now do I realize what you meant to me.

His eyes sought mine. Ah, Kleinchen, if I could tell you my troubles! And then, today, being given notice! What will happen to me? Dear God in Heaven, do not abandon me.

November 20

New lodgings. I am once again dissatisfied. But what can I do? I must eat.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my students. I’ve already lost two. I should go back; that would be the best solution. Once again, struggle. Yesterday, a letter from Egon. Difficult for me to go away for Christmas, much as I would like to. Egon waits in vain.

November 25

Home once again!

I call this little room home. And that is what it is. My home. How glad I am to be here.

Egon sent me a photo. Good to know that he still thinks of me. That he still hopes. Perhaps, God willing, at Klara’s for Christmas. Tonight I dreamed of Kleinchen.

December 13

I always intend to write, but am so busy. Work up to my ears, thank God. Today I woke up joyful, and when I saw the gray sky, I was overcome by a real feeling of Christmas. Christmas! It’s been so long since I was a child. Again I dream of going away, how happily I would go, if it were only possible. Egon has written to me, but I know he’s not sincere. But let me go on dreaming. I’ve broken off with Madame; she was unkind to me. But if everyone hates me, God is with me.

December 25

Christmas. The word echoes in me like a cry of pain. Such an empty, sad Christmas, and for so long I was looking forward to it. Why can’t I make happiness for myself? It’s my own fault. But it’s Egon’s fault, too. In his last letter, he wrote only: Do as you like. That was all he said. When I look at the beautiful blue sky, my heart weeps. How splendid it would be to be there with him! We would take long walks, side by side, like children. Little book, my true friend, only you know my torment. Today I’ll write to Klara. If only Christmas were over.

Today, Böske’s wedding. The bride was very pretty, the Jewish ceremony very pleasant, even though it all means nothing. What are all the vows, promises worth, when people get to know each other only afterward? Still, my heart was empty and sad, especially when the groom asked me pityingly: Why are you alone here? He’s right, I am alone, alone.

Christmas — on the table are red carnations, red as blood. How I love flowers!

God in heaven, do not abandon me.

December 26

Second day of Christmas. I had a nap this afternoon. Last night I went to the cinema. Gustav Fröhlich was very good.

There was quite a scene yesterday. Hirschl saw Egon’s postcard and bellowed like a bull. Threats. I see now that he’s worthless, as coarse and vulgar as a peasant. The devil take him. But I’m not going to get myself worked up about it. Let him go.

I’ll do my work, and God is with me. But I wish I had a companion — a friend who is kind, and who understands me.

December 30

Christmas is over — thank God. It brought me no joy, but that was my own fault. It could have been different. Where did I go — to the cinema and to F.’s. Yes, to F.’s. It was enough to make one want to run away. The atmosphere was miserable. I didn’t see Kl. Christmas with no brightness, no joy, so be it. Yesterday I went to a tavern with Miss Sch., a boring Gretchen who wants to get married. May the devil carry her off to the matchmaker’s.

I ought to have worked today, but my students also seem to want to prolong the holidays.

Tomorrow I will work. Today I’m tired, lazy. And inside, emptiness.

January 4, 1936

Wonderful days, like spring. This morning I saw a beautiful rainbow. What does it mean? Let us hope for fine weather at Easter, so I can go away.

January 12

The marvelous weather is still holding.

January 19

Beautiful days, just like spring. If only it could stay that way. Nothing new with me, except that unfortunately my health is poor. I have a bladder inflammation again. I must go to the doctor. God in Heaven, do not abandon me!

January 28

The weather is still pleasant. I went to see Dr. Kerner, who said more or less what Kárpáti said. He’s treating me. I hope I’ll be all right for a while, please God.

Poor little Kárpáti, I feel sorry for him, but people should not be so greedy. Money is the root of all evil. I live alone and I will always live alone. How empty is my little room.

April 7

It’s been such a long time since I saw you, my dear little book! Why is that? I don’t know. I write, I suppose, only when I feel the need. What should I write? My health, thank God, is tolerable. Easter is almost here, but it’s cold and unpleasant. There have been so many expenses, I haven’t saved a penny. E. writes rarely, as do I. Everything has a beginning and an end.

April 26

Sunday. In the house, peace and quiet. It’s good to be by myself at last. But I’m so somber. Easter passed, joyless, and the weather is bad. Work again coming to an end. Summer holidays, how shall I spend them? In Zagreb, God willing. Egon hasn’t written since Easter. Since I wrote him that I’m no longer thinking of marriage, he has cooled off. He himself brought it up, proposed, hoping in that way to get what he wants. But he’s mistaken! Should I allow him just for that? No. Let him get it from others, from those who want only that. I seek friendship, deep and sincere. God will help me.