Dany Laferrière - Heading South

“I’m telling you it was a nightmare, and all you can do is laugh. . You think it’s funny!”

“Don’t be mad at me, Simone, please. It’ll pass. I wasn’t laughing at you. .”

Simone seems genuinely upset.

“I have to hang up now, Tanya. I haven’t slept yet.”

“I’m sorry, my sweet, I didn’t mean to—”

Click.

INTERIOR BEDROOM. 10:05 AM

Tanya is sitting on her bed, applying nail polish (fingers and toes). The telephone rings.

“Hello. .”

“It’s Minouche! Is this a bad time? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. . Where were you last night? You missed everything, you poor dear. Freddy got into a big fight with the boys from Tabou.”

“Oh?”

“Something about their contract. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. . Oh, my dear, it was superb. Everyone was there except you. Alta hasn’t told you anything about it? You know what a mean tongue she has, she told everyone that you weren’t there because Fanfan wouldn’t let you go out. .”

“No one tells me where I can and cannot go, you hear me, Minouche? And certainly not that pitiful little shit, Fanfan. I go where I like.”

“Don’t yell like that, Tanya! I couldn’t care less about Fan-fan, my poor dear; I don’t understand for a minute what it is you see in him. . Anyway, it was a perfectly nutty evening. What about you, are you all right?”

“Of course I’m all right. Why are you asking me that?”

“Don’t tell anyone it was me who told you this, but last night Simone let it slip that you tried to commit suicide.”

“She said what? ”

“You know what she’s like, that Simone, when she gets on her holier-than-thou kick. Sometimes I want to punch her pretty little face in. I don’t understand why you clasp that vicious little snake to your bosom.”

“Let’s not go into all that again, Minouche.”

“You’re still defending her! Anyway, it doesn’t matter. .”

“So let’s drop it, then, shall we?”

Long silence (stalemate).

“All right. She said she went out to look for you at about one o’clock in the morning, and found your house in total darkness. And since she has a key, which is something I don’t have, despite our ten years of friendship. .”

“Never mind that, Minouche. . go on with your story.”

“Since she has a key, as she never misses an opportunity to remind me. . No, really, Tanya, why did you give that little bitch a key when you won’t even let your best friend into your house?”

“Can’t you guess, Minouche?”

“Tanya, don’t tell me you’re still mad at me for borrowing a couple of dresses, what was it, five years ago?”

“And all my jewelry, and a dozen pairs of almost new shoes, and eleven evening gowns. . That’s not borrowing, Minouche, that’s moving me out. So please, go on with your story.”

“Very well, since you refuse to let that little incident go. . Your friend Simone, who has a key to your house, let herself in and found everything strewn all over the place, which is not like you at all. At first she thought thieves had broken in. But no, it wasn’t that, because everything was there, nothing had been stolen. Then she saw a green pill bottle on the bed. She started screaming, and a woman, your downstairs neighbour, apparently, came in and told her that an ambulance had just left, with you in it.”

Long silence.

“Are you still there, Tanya?”

“So what do you think happened, Minouche? That I tried to commit suicide last night, that an ambulance came and everything, that they had to pump my stomach with a rubber tube, and that I’m here, now, talking to you, fresh as a daisy. . Is that what you think?”

“Well, fortunately we didn’t go to the hospital. Everyone wanted to, you know. Can you imagine, all of us descending on the hospital in at least five cars. It was Fanfan who said no. He said it was just you and your histrionics, and he wasn’t interested in taking part in it.”

Brief silence.

“He said that?” Tanya asked, her voice flat.

“So we stayed at the club. Where Tabou, let me tell you, dear, outdid themselves. A total mess, but it doesn’t matter. .”

“Was Fanfan with someone last night?”

“Listen, my dear, I wasn’t paying attention. . He’s a little shit, you know, and I’ve got better things to do. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes, I’m fine. . It’s not the end of the world, missing a night of listening to Tabou.”

“No, of course not. So if you’re sure you’re all right, I’ll go. I just called to see how you were. You know, I’ve been a bit worried about you for some time, now. . You shouldn’t pay so much attention to that little shithead, Fanfan. Anyway, at one point in the evening I saw him with Alta.”

“That slut!”

“Take it easy, Tanya. I’ll call you again this evening. Carole’s going to pick me up in a few minutes.”

“Where are you going?”

“To Kyona Beach. I’ll call again later.”

INTERIOR KITCHEN. 11:23 AM

Tanya is eating a bowl of strawberries and yoghurt. The telephone rings.

“How are you, my dear?” ( Serious voice.

) “Listen, Alta, if you want to know whether or not I’m still alive, the answer is yes, and I’m doing just fine, thank you.”

“Why are you speaking to me like that?”

“Let me tell you a few things, Alta, just so you’ll know. First, I am not going out with Fanfan, because I am not accustomed, as you are, to robbing the cradle. . Let’s just say I sleep with him from time to time, and that it doesn’t bother me in the least if you do, too. .”

“Are you crazy or what? I call simply to find out if you’re all right, and you jump down my throat. Tanya, you’re becoming a real paranoid. What makes you think I have any interest in Fanfan? He’s not my type, believe me.”

“Then why did you tell everyone that Fanfan never lets me go anywhere?”

“I said that?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Well, I might have said something like that. . Anyway, it’s true. . I’ve never understood what you see in him. At first it was kind of cute, Tanya and Fanfan. But now, my dear, you’re making a laughing stock of yourself, being jealous over a man who sleeps with everyone.”

“Who told you I was jealous over Fanfan?”

“Oh, stop it, Tanya, you’re being ridiculous. . Apparently you tried to commit suicide last night. In any case, that’s what everyone is talking about.”

Click

INTERIOR LIVING ROOM. 1:05 PM

Tanya is feeding her goldfish. The telephone rings.

“Hello.”

“It’s me, Simone.”

“So, I hear you told everyone I tried to commit suicide last night.”

“I never said that, Tanya. . I knew Minouche would go around saying something like that, that little snake! You know how jealous she is of our friendship.”

“Except for you, Simone, no one could know what happened. . You must have come in here last night, found the apartment empty, and gone downstairs to talk to my neighbour, who told you that an ambulance had been here.”

“No, I did not go downstairs to question your neighbour. . She came up.”

“I knew it, Simone. . I knew you were a nosy little snoop. Minouche may be a thief, but she’s not a liar. You know how much I hate sneaky people, Simone, you know that about me. I’d rather have a thief for a friend than a sneak. So I want my key back. I want you to bring it to me this very day.”

“Why are you treating me like this, Tanya?”

“You know what I’m like, Simone. When someone is my friend, they can take anything they want from me, anything. Everything I have is hers. All I ask in return is that she doesn’t lie to me. .”

“But you tell lies all the time, Tanya. I don’t understand you. .”