Stephanie de Velasco: Tiger Milk

I feel sick, says Anna-Lena holding her stomach, I need something to drink.

You can drink something when we get there, says Jameelah.

No, a real drink. Something cold and clear, like a shot of vodka. I need to get a miniature bottle of vodka.

No liquid courage, only the real thing, says Jameelah.

She grabs Anna-Lena by the arm and pulls her across the stripes of the cross-walk to the entrance to the clinic. She pushes the bottom bell. The door buzzes open.

Let’s go, says Jameelah pushing Anna-Lena through the door. We go through the entryway and out into the courtyard. I see Noura through a window.

Mama, calls Jameelah running ahead.

Noura looks up and walks toward the door with a look of shock on her face.

Children, she says, what is it, what happened?

Without a second’s pause Jameelah tells her everything. She talks and talks and makes all kinds of gestures with her hands as she does, and Noura nods and pats Anna-Lena’s hair, but she also looks very stern throughout, she looks around at each of us with a serious look on her face and saves the most stern look of all for Anna-Lena of course. The way Noura always does things, all at the same time and always properly, Jameelah must have inherited that from her, I think.

Noura puts her arm around Anna-Lena.

You come with me now, she says, we’re just going to do a normal examination and then after that Dr Mahmoudi will examine you, and you two, says Noura looking at me and Jameelah, you wait here.

The waiting room is empty. Tired, I slump into a chair. Jameelah picks up one of the magazines lying on the table and flips through it, flipping the pages, flipping, flipping, way too fast, you can’t read that fast, you can’t even see the pictures on the pages when you flip through that fast.

Can you please tell me why we’re doing this, I ask at some point.

What?

Why are we helping her? Because of Lukas?

Stop it, says Jameelah, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t even want to think about him, otherwise I’ll kill myself, seriously.

Not over an idiot like that. You don’t need him.

Need him? What’s that supposed to mean?

Look as of today at the latest he’s an asshole, right?

What do you know, says Jameelah.

I’m just saying.

Just saying my ass, you’re just saying what anyone would say, Jameelah says letting the magazine drop to the floor.

What’s that supposed to mean, I say.

That you have no clue about love, says Jameelah.

And you do, right.

Yeah, because if you really love somebody then you can’t change that no matter how shitty that person acts. And you can’t do anything about the fact that you can’t change it either.

I know, I say, I mean of course you can’t do anything about it but you can’t really love somebody who hurts you so badly. He doesn’t deserve it.

Of course I can, you see, says Jameelah, and anyway what business is it of yours, what business is it of Anna-Lena’s, it’s not even Lukas’s business that I love him, I’m allowed to love whoever I want and he doesn’t have to love me back, but I can be in love with anyone and nobody can stop me.

Of course you’re allowed. I just don’t want anyone to hurt you.

You can’t help it, it happens anyway, she says picking up the magazine, but maybe I can keep her from having his baby.

The door to the waiting room opens and Anna-Lena walks in.

So, asks Jameelah.

Nothing, says Anna-Lena, took my blood pressure and that. I’m about to see the woman, what’s her name again?

Jameelah frowns.

Mahmoudi, Dr Mahmoudi.

Mahmoudi right.

I look at Jameelah.

Yes, Jameelah says, we’re going to wait.

My left leg has been asleep for a while, it seems like forever since Anna-Lena went into surgery. We’ve been through all the magazines. I look up at the ceiling of the waiting room. Noura turned on the lights a little while ago and I stare at the fluorescent bulbs and at the mosquitoes and fruit flies dancing on them. The mosquitoes and flies try to out-buzz the bulbs.

Look, I say pointing up, they just waste their time up there even though they have so much less of it than we do down here.

Yeah, says Jameelah, they’re like real gods.

Gods?

Yeah they aren’t aware of time, they know only light and fruit and blood and at some point they’ll just die without ever feeling the need to think about their life, whether they lived it well or not.

Do you know this one, I say, two fruit flies meet and one says hey do fancy a fuck and the other says no I have my momentary visitor.

I don’t get it.

You know, the fruit fly has its monthly visitor.

I still don’t get it.

Come on, a fruit fly doesn’t have a monthly visitor, it gets its period for a couple of seconds, not a couple of days, get it.

Oh, says Jameelah still looking up at the ceiling and not really listening.

What is it, I say, what are you thinking about?

Can you remember what Jasna shouted when she was standing on the balcony, what she said to her mother before she jumped?

Yeah she said first you drag me into this world and then you leave me all alone.

I think that’s true, says Jameelah.

What?

That we’re dragged into this world. I mean nobody asks you, nobody asks whether you want to or not.

Yeah, I say, that’s true.

Maybe that’s why babies always cry so much, says Jameelah, because nobody asked them whether they wanted to come here and because they’re still so close to whatever it was that came before and they can’t stand to be here on earth.

True, I say, and when mothers calm their babies it’s actually a great big lie because they’re trying to make life more bearable, you know, as in hey it’s not so bad, here look, here’s your rattle.

Exactly, says Jameelah, but the babies know better and they would rather go back where they came from.

Do you mean something like reincarnation?

I’m not sure but anyway you are pretty much brought into this world against your will, says Jameelah.

The door to the waiting room opens and Dr Mahmoudi and Anna-Lena come out.

Well, asks Jameelah.

I have to go home, says Anna-Lena holding up an envelope, I have to speak to my parents.

Are you really pregnant, I ask.

Anna-Lena nods.

What’s in the envelope, I ask.

Paperwork for the abortion.

Termination of pregnancy, says Dr Mahmoudi and puts her arm around Anna-Lena but Anna-Lena shrugs it off.

They’re going to send me away to the nunnery, I know it.

It’s the law, says Dr Mahmoudi, I’m sorry.

Noura comes into the waiting room holding a jacket and her handbag.

It’s late we have to go, she says, you know Amir doesn’t like to be alone.

You want to stay at our place tonight, asks Jameelah looking at me.

Sure, I say.

Where were you, calls Amir when Noura unlocks the apartment door, Frau Struck is seriously pissed off at you guys, she said you guys are going to have to go before the discipline committee and that you’re going to get kicked out of school, that’s what she said.

Where’s our school stuff, asks Jameelah.

I put it in my locker, where were you?

Everything’s fine, says Noura hugging Amir, have you had something to eat?

Amir shakes his head. Noura hangs up her coat and goes into the kitchen.

Where were you, Amir asks again.

It doesn’t matter, says Jameelah.

Yes it does, tell me!

No, says Jameelah.

Did you guys make up, he asks.

Jameelah and I look at each other.

I think so, we say at the same time.

Then it doesn’t matter where you were, says Amir smiling.

He points at the little table where the telephone book is.

A letter came by the way.