Stephanie de Velasco - Tiger Milk

I’m already finished anyway, says Nico stuffing the pad and pen back in his lunchbox.

What’s the story, says Jamelah.

This place needs to be tagged, he says, right there on the wall it needs to say sad.

Jameelah looks at him in disbelief.

Aerosol really kills brain cells, eh?

Oh shut your mouth.

Nico this is seriously stupid, I say, there must be cameras all over the place.

Nope I saw it when we went in, they can’t see the bit right up close to the wall just around the corner here, he says bending down to the gift basket. He pulls out a can of hunter’s stew, rips open the pull tab, and gulps it down cold.

You’re an animal, says Jameelah turning away in disgust.

What’s the problem, says Nico with his mouth full, it’s the perfect dish for this weather.

How can you eat right now, says Jameelah, especially that stuff that was supposed to be for Amir.

Sorry, I’m hungry, says Nico, what am I supposed to fast? That won’t get Amir out.

His calm face and his hands which he keeps wiping on his stained trousers are somehow settling to me. Things will go on. Everything will go on. The trains will continue to run chugging from station to station and the sun will continue to cross the sky, no matter what happens the earth just keeps spinning and us with it, no matter how sad or hopeless you feel, everybody has to eat and drink and shit sooner or later and not just us, Amir too, whatever it is he gets to eat.

Nico gets off the train at Wilmersdorfer.

I have to hit the art supply store, see you later, he says kissing me on the cheek but nearly on the mouth.

What was that, asks Jameelah as the train pulls out of the station, are you guys a couple?

Don’t be silly, I say, he wishes.

And you? Don’t you wish it too?

No idea.

Come on don’t pretend, says Jameelah smiling at me slyly.

Cut it out, I say looking out the window.

I’m not pretending, I can’t possibly think about something like me and Nico at a moment like this. Amir’s handkerchief is in my pocket and I pull it out and make a knot in it, for Jasna, and then another, for Amir, and then I tie another one, for Tarik, one for each dead person, for Jasna because she’s really dead and Amir because he’ll never really have a life again and for Tarik because he’s the most dead of all of them because when you kill someone you kill yourself.

What are we going to do now, I ask.

I’m going to the tea shop, says Jameelah, Lukas is back and he might be there. Want to come?

You said we’d go to the police once we’d visited Amir.

No I didn’t.

Yes you did, you promised even.

I did not, says Jameelah, I promised to help you fish the damn ring out of the bin and I kept that promise. I’m sorry we didn’t find it but I’ve already said that about a thousand times. But other than that I didn’t promise anything.

You did so.

No you promised something or have you forgotten, says Jameelah, you promised you wouldn’t go to the police until we spoke to Amir, you even pinky swore it.

I look at the floor and fidget around with Amir’s handkerchief and tie more knots in it.

I kept my word, I say, and now we have to go to the police.

Nini it won’t help him for us to talk.

Of course it will help him if we talk.

Right because Amir said to go straight to the cops, I rescind my confession, says Jameelah looking at me like I’m mentally disabled, I must have misheard all of that somehow.

No, I say, but he did say he didn’t want her to die. He was sad.

Because of Jasna, says Jameelah.

No, also because he’s innocent.

He said it’s none of our business what he does with his life.

That’s just bullshit you know how he is, I say.

Bullshit? Have you already forgot the way he shouted at me?

You provoked him!

Yeah because I tried to press the truth out of him! So we wouldn’t have to get mixed up in this shit and find ourselves at the cemetery just like Jasna.

That’s crazy talk.

No it isn’t. Ever heard of the witness protection programme? You get a totally new identity, a new name, you go to another city, it’s James Bond shit. You’re not allowed to have contact with anyone from your previous life. Is that what you want?

You watch too much TV.

Says you of all people! For god’s sake, they’re deciding at this very moment whether I’m allowed to stay in Germany, do you have any idea what that means? One little thing, one false word, and I’m fucked.

You’re exaggerating, I say, I mean we’re not street kids in Guatemala.

Jameelah sighs.

Then go ahead. Go to the cops and tell them everything. But keep me out of it. I wasn’t with you and didn’t see anything, she says standing up, I have to get out.

Why?

I’m meeting Nadja at the tea shop I already told you.

Krap-Krüger tea shop?

Yep, you coming?

Nah.

Fine then don’t.

Bye.

Bye. Amir will be so thankful to you. And Tarik most of all.

I don’t go to the cops I go home, into my room, finally stuff the tabloid paper into the bin and take it down to the yard. I empty the bin into an overflowing skip and the tabloid stays lying there on top, Amir and Jameelah, suspect written above Amir’s head. Up to now I always thought some things were forever, they never changed, never disappeared, like the fossils of animals in biology that are apparently millions of years old. But it’s not true, things aren’t fossilized, Jameelah is right, things always change whether you want them to or not.

I shove a frozen pizza into the oven and sit down with it in front of the TV but when I go to start eating I notice there are mushrooms on the pizza. I hate mushrooms so I take them all off and burn my fingers doing it and then I realize I don’t feel like eating salami either or ham. At some point there’s nothing left on the pizza but cheese and tomatoes and the cheese and tomatoes are good but when I bite into the pizza I realize it’s still frozen in the middle. I run downstairs to the dumpster again with the plate in my hand. The pizza lands right on Amir’s face.

My phone rings, it’s Nico.

How’s it going cutie, he says.

Like shit. How about you?

I went to the art supply store and got spray cans. Should I stop by?

I don’t know, I say.

Is Jameelah there?

No she went to the tea shop.

And you?

Fuck human rights, I say.

What’s up?

Nothing, just Lukas, I say, he gets on my nerves.

Like I always say he’s a poof.

Cut it out.

Okay, okay. Is my brother with you?

They all went to the cinema.

Send him over when they’re back, yeah?

I will. Are you going to head out tonight?

Yeah, says Nico, I feel like it’s the only thing I can do.

Can I come?

No, better not, it’s dangerous.

That’s why I want to. I can be the lookout.

Fine, says Nico after a long pause, but it’ll be really late. Take a nap and I’ll call you, then you come down and meet me at the playground.

Not the playground.

Fine how about in front of our door. But be quiet, got it?

Got it.

See you then cutie.

I hang up and want to go back to my room but just then the apartment door opens and Mama, Rainer, Jessi, and Pepi come in. Jessi has vampire teeth in her mouth and she jumps into my arms, her hands smell like popcorn and bananas.

We went to see Twilight Eclipse , they say.

In addition to the smell of popcorn and bananas there’s also the smell of french fries and suddenly I realize I’m starving. Rainer has two big paper bags in his hand and he goes into the kitchen and unpacks four gyro platters.

So, now it’s time to eat, says Mama.

Can Pepi stay to eat, asks Jessi.