Katherine Dunn - Geek Love

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“The dentist was down in the auction pit with his microphone. Nice-looking man. White hair and spectacles and a quiet suit. He had a wonderful voice. We stayed in the aisle in the back because of Arty’s chair, which was good because it gave us a better view than if we’d been up on the bleachers. The dentist was asking questions. ‘Do you believe God can heal?’ and the crowd was nice and they liked him and they said, ‘Yes,’ a big yes. ‘Do you believe God can heal

YOU

?’ and they said, ‘Yes.’ ‘Do you believe God can fill teeth?’ And when the dentist asked, ‘Do you believe God can fill

YOUR

teeth?’ we all said yes to be courteous. It was fun that it was somebody else’s show and we could just go along like paying customers for once

.

“Then everybody was praying wild with their mouths open and their hands waving. The dentist had a good backup line that it might not happen at that very moment. It might take a couple of days or even weeks. Still there were plenty of folks whooping right away that their big hole was filling up with gold. They were bouncing around looking in each other’s mouths and blessing Jesus. There was no folderol about getting new teeth. God was a decent dentist. He’d give you a well-fitted denture but he wouldn’t grow you a whole new set

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“We laughed all the way back to our lot but, actually, I never did have any more tooth pain. Eventually all my teeth went and this set of plates does me well. But I never had any pain. Arty would ask me about it and we’d laugh but he seemed to think about it. He had Oly letter a little card that he taped on his wall. The thing read, ‘The only liars bigger than the quack are the quack’s patients.’ Arty used to just keep me in stitches. Eleven years old he was then.”

Arturo to N.S.:

“Why? You’re asking me why? You tell me, Mac! I’m not really in a position to know. You are. Me, I have suspicions. I suspect people are suckers for a prick. I suspect folks just naturally go belly-up for a snob. Folks figure if a guy acts like he’s King Tut and everybody else is donkey shit, he must be an aristocrat.”

Arturo to N.S.:

“Consider the whole thing as occupational therapy. Power as cottage industry for the mad. The shepherd is slave to the sheep. A gardener is in thrall to his carrots. Only a lunatic would want to be president. These lunatics are created deliberately by those who wish to be presided over. You’ve seen it a thousand times. We create a leader by locating one in the crowd who is standing up. This may well be because there are no chairs or because his knees are fused by arthritis. It doesn’t matter. We designate this victim as a ‘stand-up guy’ by the simple expedient of sitting down around him.”

ARTURISM:

A quasi-religious cult making no representations of a god or gods, and having nothing to say about life after death. The cult represents itself as offering earthly sanctuary from the aggravations of life. Small chalked graffiti, said to be the work of the Admitted, are found in many locations after the Binewski carnival has passed through. The phrase “Peace, Isolation, Purity” (or sometimes initials P.I.P.) seems to be the slogan. Many commercial posters distributed in advance of the show read, “Arturo knows, All Pain, All Shame, and the Remedy!”

A fee, called a

dowry,

is required for entering the novice stage. The sum varies depending on the novice’s resources but the minimum seems to be around $5,000. Novices are required to serve for at least three months and sometimes as long as a year as workers for the cult. Typists, bookkeepers, and organizers are given longer work periods than laborers. One of the most important tasks of the work period is serving and caring for cult members who have already had major portions of their limbs amputated

.

The Admitted must furnish their own travel and living arrangements. All that is offered in return for the dowry is free access to Arturo the Aqua Man’s shows, and the surgical amputations performed by the Arturan medical staff. Since the medical staff travels with the carnival, the Admitted must follow the carnival

.

The camp of the Admitted is separated from the carnival camp by a portable electric fence and a series of manned sentry posts

.

The administration is loosely conducted in a large camper perched on the back of a pickup truck

.

The medical facilities consist of a well-equipped surgery in a large truck trailer with its own power supply. Two large truck trailers are equipped with monitoring devices and furnished as post-op recovery rooms. Each trailer has ten beds. A smaller eight-bed infirmary trailer is always parked near the doctors mobile living van, which houses an examining room

.

Only one surgeon on the staff, reportedly aided by a skilled anesthesiologist. Am currently trying to locate credentials and licensing for the surgeon, a woman who goes by the name of Dr. Phyllis

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Most nursing chores, feeding, bathing, linen changes, bedpan provision, etc., are performed by novices in the order

.

“The more people we exclude, the more people will want to join. That’s what

exclusive

means.”

—

Arturo to N.S

.

INELIGIBLE FOR ADMISSION

GROUNDS

Convicted Felons

Already freaks

Mentally Deranged or Retarded

Unable to make informed decision

Under Age 21 (later 25

)

Unable to make informed decision

Over Age 65

Already freaks

Chronically Ill

Already freaks

Congenitally Deformed

Already freaks

Accidentally Mutilated

Already freaks

Also excluded, unconditionally, are any who can’t provide minimum dowry

.

Judgments of degree of deformity that prevents admission are made by administrative staff. Borderline or ambiguous cases (correctable by cosmetic surgery, etc.) may be appealed by applicant for judgment by Arturo, whose decision is final

.

ADMITTED WHO BECOME INELIGIBLE FOR FURTHER PROGRESS

:

Mentally impaired

Unable to make informed decision

Chronically ill

Already freak — poor surgical risk

Physically weak, deteriorating

Already freak — poor surgical risk

REST HOMES:

Theoretically all the Admitted end up at the Arturan rest homes. Administration claims two in existence with plans for twenty more

.

Those who become ineligible for progress are sent there quicker but are pitied for having lost access to P.I.P. Those who complete progress (are reduced to head and torso) go to the rest homes with full honors — living, no doubt, the lives of gold-plated pumpkins: bathed, fed, and wheeled around by servants

.

Questions: Check death rate (seems unlikely they’d want a thirty-year-old to live out the allotted twoscore more while being supported by the organization)

.

Life expectancy?

Numbers of Admitted vs. applicants?

Recidivism rates?

Attended Policy Meeting: Arty in his office, listening on intercom to conference in the administrative camper. He interjects an occasional remark — hits a button that lights a red bulb in the conference camper. All talk stops in anticipation of

HIS

voice. Arty, meanwhile, laughing, mimicking the committee members cruelly, with me as his audience. He is constantly informing me that he takes none of it seriously