Tim Parks - Rapids

Like what?

I’m working on it.

Like paddling down a grade — five river on your own and getting your spine smashed. You’ll be a photograph on a wet rock. What good is that going to do anyone?

They stared at each other. There was a soft look in his eyes. Suddenly she feels sure that he loves her. Somehow this is worse. He loves her but it makes no difference. You said we would live together and have children. I believed you.

He held her gaze. I meant it, Micky, but this isn’t the world for us. Leave be, now.

What world, then, she demanded. When will there be a world for us? This is the only one we’ve got.

Clive was silent.

She stood up and went to pull on her shoes by the door. You’re weird, she said. I’m going to go out and fuck someone else. Okay?

He sat still, watching and smoking.

I said, okay?

Go.

She walked through the campsite. I’ve lost control now, she decided. Good. At least something would happen. Her mind was feverish. Everywhere there was barbecuing or the clatter of washing — up, or singing, the hum and rhythm of people at ease and pleased with themselves at the end of another day away from home. A curse on them! A young man and woman were arm in arm on the ground by a gas stove. Under her breath Michela began to mutter in Italian. Maledizione! Siate maledetti e stramaledetti!

The scene at the bar was the same as on all the other evenings: the second — rate band with their rhythm machine, the desultory karaoke. At a couple of tables pulled together, Adam and Vince and Mandy were sitting with Tom, Amelia, Caroline, Phil, Brian and Max. Overdoing the English accent, Michela asked, Anybody need topping up? What are you having? She stood behind them, wallet in hand. She has so little money. The kids clamoured for beers and Adam and Mandy tried to deter them. I told your parents no. Let’s say you didn’t see, Phil protested. You thought it was apple juice. We disobeyed you. Like, we’re impossible, aren’t we? Unmanageable.

The tall girl turned to the bar. Vince saw at once that she was excited. Tom stood politely to help her. Michela slipped an arm around his and smiled straight into his eyes. At the bar she switched to Italian and ordered eight beers and a gin and tonic for Max. It was more than she had spent all week. Sounds lovely when you speak Italian, Tom told her. Again she smiled warmly. Want me to teach you a few words, Tommy? Hardly that much time now, he said stolidly. I’m not even going to be with you tomorrow, which is a bit of a bugger. The nights are long, she said coolly. She was purposeful. For a moment she put a hand round his waist. Tom seemed unable to respond. Le notti, she repeated, sono lunghe. Think you can repeat that? Lunghissime.

Back at the table the Italian girl squeezed in between Tom and Brian. Amelia was on Tom’s other side. The children grabbed their beers. Adam was sending messages again. My wife, he explained. Text messages had been the bedridden woman’s salvation. Is Clive not coming out this evening? Amelia enquired. The girl has smelt danger. Mandy was talking to Vince about her son’s motorcycling obsession. Single parents should form a club, she said, for mutual support. Michela had downed her beer in a gulp. I don’t know what Clive’s up to. She looked dazed. Why? Amelia didn’t reply. Phil and Caroline were sharing a cigarette. Hope it rains, the fat girl was giggling. She clearly has a problem with chapped lips. Oh not the mad bell — ringer again! Max laughed. Brian leaned across the table towards Amelia: You know you look like you’ve got three tits. He was referring to Wally. Except the one in the middle is the biggest! Phil shouted. He slapped a hand on the table and laughed. Shut up! Amelia was on the brink of tears. She was chewing a strand of hair. Michela now had a leg pressed against Tom’s. Anyone could see.

Adam stood up and offered to go and fill Michela’s glass. As soon as he set off for the bar, Tom began to talk excitedly. Can anybody really understand why I’m not going tomorrow and Mark is? The young man has a pretty dimple in his chin, a square jaw, high cheekbones. He is handsome, virile and vulnerable. Because Adam’s his dad, Phil said, puffing on his cigarette. Kids! Mandy intervened. The instructors know best on these matters. They can’t take any risks. I’m not a kid, Tom protested. In his ear, Michela whispered, You can say that again. Vince saw her lips move. Her eyes are too shiny. Mark doesn’t even want to go himself, Caroline remarked. He just does it for his dad. Actually, Tom, Max leaned across the table, the real reason for your exclusion is, Mandy’s got the hots for you. She wants to have you all to herself tomorrow. Oh for God’s sake, Max! Mandy was laughing. Then just as Adam returned with the beer, Amelia pushed back her chair. The girl was so abrupt it fell over. Without stopping to right it, she turned and hurried away across the empty dance area. What’s wrong? Melly! Brian dragged himself up and began to hobble after her. Ow! He had to hop. Max got up after him. There was a vigorous flounce to Amelia’s backside as she crossed the brightly lit space. Tom half stood. Michela put a hand on his arm. I’d better go and see what’s going on, Mandy said.

In just a few confused moments, Vince found himself at the table with just Adam, Phil and Caroline. From the corner of an eye he was aware of Michela and Tom standing together on the far side of the dance floor where the bright light of the terrace and the dark of the field beyond seemed to fizz together. The band leader was introducing the next song with weary cheerfulness. What was all that in aid of? Adam asked. His phone beeped the arrival of another message. Vince was conscious of a desire to watch, to follow them even.

Amelia got upset, Caroline explained, because Brian said something shitty about her being flat — chested. Adam frowned over his message. All the more beer for us! Phil cried. Theatrically surreptitious, he began to pour from Amelia’s glass into his own and Caroline’s. The girl had the coarse, hearty look of someone who couldn’t be enjoying themselves more. I thought you were Amelia’s best friend, Vince said. Speaking, he realised that these were almost the first words he had addressed to Caroline. So? the girl asked. I was just surprised to see the others rush away after her and you stay put. Her men! Caroline said archly. She doesn’t need me. Brian’s got a crush, Phil explained. Hopeless case.

Adam was shaking his head. Can’t keep up with you youngsters, he complained. Vince asked if the message was serious. Adam began to explain that his wife tended to get a little hysterical when she knew they were going to run a difficult river. Why d’you tell her, then? Caroline demanded. Phil drained his own beer and reached for Brian’s. I didn’t, Mark did, Adam said. The idiot! He seemed to enjoy shaking his head at the perversity of the world. That was what was so great about Gloria, he turned suddenly, enthusiastically, to Vince. Like, nothing fazed her, you know, whatever river …

Now Vince pushed back his chair. Need a pee, he announced. He walked across the dance floor and around behind the bar, very conscious of the slight unsteadiness that three beers can bring on. I won’t sleep well tonight, he knew. I must be on form for tomorrow. Instead of going into the loo, he crossed the track beyond the entrance to the site and walked into the pine trees beyond. This is where they must have come.

The ground sloped steeply down towards the river bank. The trees were scrawnier here, but closer together. Vince stopped. The cushion of pine needles beneath his feet created an impression of silence, though he could still hear the beat of music from the bar. It was as though the distant sound actually increased the silence in the wood. When the path became too dark to follow he stopped and listened. I am completely disorientated. He stood still. The drink made him sway. This week has rubbed out my ordinary life. It was amazing how dark it could be, black even, and so near to where he had been in bright light and company. It has rubbed out the pain, but all the things that made sense too. Gloria was never fazed, Adam said.