Tim Parks - Rapids

I’ve done it, Clive said.

Wow! The announcement caused excited reaction. Michela looked at her man sharply. I mean Wow, wow, and triple wow! Louise said. When you went to visit your mother, Clive whispered quickly. Michela couldn’t take it in. Why would he lie like this?

How many of you? Adam asked. The kids were all shaking their heads. Respect! Re — spect!

Two local guys, Clive said. From the rafting centre.

But you don’t know any local guys, Michela thought.

In the Pyranha? Amal enquired. Wouldn’t you need something with more volume?

And you fixed throw — lines and things? Adam asked.

No, no support on the bank, Clive said. They told me the line to follow and we went for it. River — left to avoid the log. The gap is just big enough.

You’re mad, Mark declared.

I could do it, Phil said. Bet you I could do it, if someone would let me.

And you never capsized?

Everybody was looking at Clive’s bearded face, the pioneer ponytail. She loves him, Vince thought again, catching Michela’s gaze.

Sure I did. Three times, Clive said. See that rock there? Downstream of the pour — over, it’s invisible as you approach. I came crashing over the ledge, see, and speared it. Bang on. Boat went vertical and I was down. Vince asked: How on earth did you come up? They were looking at a storming torrent of water plunging through boulders.

I’ve no idea, Clive told him.

The Slobs had cooked curry. Everybody had picked up a bit of colour in the afternoon sun up on the mountain. If you never eat what’s on your plate, Mandy asked Phil, whence do you draw your sustenance, my boy? My what? Supply of Mars bars in his tent, Brian said. He must have about a hundred. Caroline kept setting off the hamster to general groans. It worries me to say, that I’ve never felt this way. Was that what you were saying to yourself, Max asked Mandy, when you were pinned underwater on the slalom course? The hamster never tired of his song. He beat his drum and waved his microphone. I was saying to myself, Mandy laughed: I think I love life, but this is what death is made of. Oh, it wasn’t even a close shave, Keith protested. You could have taken a photo or two, under water. Wally had been ceremoniously handed over to Amelia, who had dropped a shoe coming down on the ski — lift. It’s his fault, the girl cried, poking Tom. The young man grinned with embarrassment. She did it on purpose, Caroline scoffed, so’s she’d have to lean on him, like, walking back to the car park. Slander! Amelia shrieked. She hung the red — scarfed little effigy round her neck and pushed it down inside her T — shirt between the small breasts. Let’s see if anyone dares to steal it there! I consider that an invitation, Brian cried. Please, Adam said. Kids!

Keith was looking relaxed. Perhaps it was a relief not to have to paddle. Debrief, he shouted. Tomorrow’s the last day. Some of you are going to run a very serious river, let’s hear from the river leaders who the chosen victims will be. The others will be rerunning the stretch from the campsite down to Geiss and getting in some much — needed practice. After which we’ll eat in a restaurant since it’s the last night.

The last announcement caused much excitement. Shush everyone! Adam’s got the list, Clive said quietly. We decided it together. Standing up by the door of the kitchen tent, Adam announced: First, I want to thank Amal, who has offered to play river leader for those who won’t be going on the upper Aurino. Chicken! Phil yelled. He’s scared! Shut up, idiot. So, if we can be serious a moment, folks, the participants will be— and Adam read: Clive, leader. Myself deputy. Then: Vince, Amelia, Michela, Max, Brian, Mark and Phil. Max, Brian and Phil will be assessed for their four — star paddler.

There was a surprised silence. Vince tried to catch his daughter’s eye. It wasn’t clear to him why she had been excluded. They were in the clearing between the tents. The girl had her head bent knotting a red scarf round her neck. What about me? Tom asked. I’m sorry, Adam said, but we can’t take people who don’t get their roll at least ninety per cent of the time. But I never turn over, Tom said. Keith cut in brightly. We have to accept the river leader’s decisions. Mark’s going and Tom isn’t? Amelia protested. That’s crazy. Clive said, Mark rolled up twice this morning in white water. If Tom doesn’t go, then neither do I, Amelia said. Adjourn to the bar, Max was already shouting. Drinks! With Brian’s foot still killing him, the lame boy had to lean on his friend as they made off between the guy — lines.

In their cabin, Michela was determined to get things straight. Why did you tell that story? Clive was cross — legged on his sleeping bag, rolling himself a cigarette. It wasn’t a story. Want a smoke? You don’t know anyone from the rafting centre. He admitted this was true. I went alone, he said. He tossed the tobacco to her. But I couldn’t tell them that, because of all their strict rules. I mustn’t seem irresponsible. Otherwise we’ll have people like Phil chucking himself down there.

You’re lying, she said. You just wanted to show off after making a fool of yourself in this thing with Adam. You’re weird, she went on quickly. Really weird. It’s not normal just to tell me we’re not making love, then imagine we can go on as before. You’re crazy sleeping on the floor. It’s stupid. And I meant it today, you know, when I said I couldn’t go on like this. I meant it.

Clive lit his cigarette. He seemed to be waiting until she had finished. The tobacco was damp and didn’t draw well. I wasn’t lying, Micky. He puffed. He seemed calm. Before Milan, remember when you went ahead to ask your mother if she could lend us something? That’s when I did it. I ran it alone. Three times actually on three consecutive days. It’s not that difficult. I did worse in New Zealand.

She stared at him. So why didn’t you tell me?

He shrugged his shoulders. Why should I?

But this is even weirder. You go and do something completely suicidal and you don’t even tell me. Her hands were shaking with the lighter. He used an old paraffin thing from at least twenty years ago.

It’s suicidal to smoke, he said.

Yeah, I set myself alight and die. It’s different, and you know it.

I didn’t want you to worry about me, he said. You had worries enough with your mother. They gazed at each other across the cabin. The space was lit with a naked, 40—watt bulb. He was cross — legged, swaying slowly backward and forward, smiling softly. He seemed to have regained all the confidence, the slightly mystical impenetrability that had been threatened that evening with Adam. She was on the bed. It’s clear she isn’t a real smoker. She rolls cigarettes because she is with Clive. I go kayaking because I’m with Clive, she thought. She knew that. I say a thousand things Clive says. I share his opinions. Seeing the shake of her hand, she felt her closeness to her mother. It had been a disastrous visit. My hopeless, hopeless mother. I hope you understood, she finally asked, what I meant when I said you must do something serious. Did you? I think you owe it to me.

He seemed to relish the distance that had been established between them. Swaying, he pressed his lips firmly together. Yeah, I understood. He tapped the thin ash of the roll — up into his cupped hand. But I’ve been thinking the same thing myself, for years. Obviously, I have to do something serious.

So what are you going to do? Not just these stupid demonstrations. They do nothing. Or are you just going to start hitting idiots like Adam?

Why are you so aggressive? he asked.

If you don’t understand that then you’re really stupid!

The demonstrations are important, he said calmly. It’s important the world is constantly reminded that there are people who care. You know that. Over the years I think they have a cumulative effect. More than people admit. But, I am thinking of something bigger.