Alasdair Gray - Old Men in Love

Am returning to Lampeter. I do not go here or there ; but God takes me up and puts me down just where He pleases. He gives me grace and strength to preach the Gospel from the sofa and armchair as effectually as from the pulpit.

183? 46— Yesterday I had arranged to walk with Rees and Thomas into Swansea. Today they came into my room when I was asking the Holy Spirit whether or not I should take an umbrella and had received no clear reply. I told them that perhaps God did not choose that I visit Swansea. Rees asked me if some matters were not too trivial to refer to Almighty God. None, I told him. He said he was quite sure God did not mind him visiting Swansea. I bade him goodbye and he left. Brother Thomas chose to remain. I told him that my mother in God, my Catholic friend Miss Freeman, had written to tell me she is being baptized in to the Church of England. He agreed that as we are engaged to marry this is splendid news, then suggested that, since we were staying indoors this afternoon, we might construe Aristotle together. I told him God’s spirit did not move me to study the classics. Christ did not choose scholars to spread his word, he chose ignorant fishermen. The Holy Spirit taught them what to do and say: will teach us also, so I would not prepare for the examination. He said, “I loath the classics too — they keep referring to beastly natural functions as if they were ordinary. But if we don’t pass the exam we won’t be ordained clergymen — we’ll be as cut off from the Apostolic Succession as any Methodist or Quaker. How can you get over that?”

I told him that problem could be left in the hands of God.

1839

April 12 th— The east wind usually makes me dreadfully ill. It has blown steadily for three weeks, but God gave me faith to believe it would not injure me, nor did it, though I went out in it daily. Yesterday my faith failed, and the wind being strong and the sun hot I expected to be laid up when Lo! the wind shifted to the North. I have no doubt that God gave me special faith and then took it away when it was no longer needed. Nor do I doubt that I, through faith, subdued the east wind to the glory of God.

June 7 th— Today Dr Ollivant announced what he said would come as a relief to many. Queen Victoria’s coronation will soon be upon us. With that in mind he had petitioned the Archbishop for a remission of the approaching examination. That remission had now been granted. All students are therefore to consider themselves as having passed. Many outside the circle of the Brethren burst into unseemly applause. Only those proud of their scholastic merit were disgruntled. Only Thomas, formerly a doubter, looked at me with full understanding of this miracle. I fear that Rees, like many others, thanks God for it but thinks Ollivant mainly responsible!

July 16 th— On Tuesday, July 10 was married to my beloved M. Truly I may say of Thee, O my God, “ This is the Lord’s doing, it is marvellous in our eyes.” I never discerned the Lord’s hand so distinctly in any event of my life, than I do in my union with dear M. He has abundantly confirmed my trust in His wondrous condescension and tender regard for His dear, though undeserving, children. With respect to my health I may say I know not when I felt so well as I did on the morning of my marriage. God is allowing me rest and quietude, with some relaxation of the outer man to confirm my health with a view to more effective future duty, either in doing or suffering . As I walk and drive about the Downs with dear M., enjoying the fine air and doing nothing , I feel how utterly contemptible life would be if the object and end were nothing better than enjoyment ; indeed had not the Will of God called me to this life I would feel it were no life . I seem no better than a vegetation. O how truly miserable must be those who live to be happy .

Aug 15 th— I protest that I die daily. My inward life is undergoing a gradual destruction. I perceive life lies substantially in the will ; and only Spirit of God can destroy the will, the iron-hearted will of man, keeping it in a state of continual crucifixion, cutting asunder soul and spirit like a two edged sword. O Love. Whose life is the Light of Thine unsullied truth, it is Thou art that “devouring fire” — Thou art those “everlasting burnings” of eternity. O, who shall dwell with Thee ?

Oct 28 th— I have had no permission from God to write this journal since I made my last entry. It would not be possible, if indeed it were lawful to describe the marvellous work God has been carrying on in my soul in the last seven weeks. I have passed through the middle of self , and now, at length, come out at the other side into God . 47God has answered my prayer and condescended to teach me Himself by His own Spirit. For the last two and a half years this journal has been penned under the guidance and Spirit of God within me , faithfully recording the long and toilsome journey from the creature up to God. Though the expectations behind my prayers were almost unbounded, yet God, in answering them, has done exceeding abundantly more than I could either ask or think. I, being routed and grounded in love, can comprehend the breadth, and depth, and length, and height of Christ’s love and can say in all sobriety and seriousness “ I am filled with all the fullness of God. ” Unto Him in the church of Christ Jesus, throughout all ages, world without end Amen! Amen! and Amen!

— These Amens are the last words of Henry James Prince’s published diary. In the three years it covers he had introduced his sister to Arthur Rees, at first his closest friend at Lampeter, and they had married. No entries refer to these events. When he gave his manuscript to the printers twenty years later his sister and Rees had no place in this spiritual autobiography.

Before leaving St David’s College as an ordained clergyman Henry James Prince visited the Principal for the customary exchange of farewell civilities. Dr Ollivant, though glad to be seeing this troublesome former student for the last time, offered Prince a glass of wine and no flicker of annoyance changed his bland, ruddy face when the offer was quietly refused. Standing aside his hearthrug he said, “I wish you joy of your curacy, Prince. Charlinch, eh?”