Alasdair Gray - Old Men in Love

The anguish of her mind became intolerable. Some perspiration appearing on the body she thought to be the forerunner of death, and jumping out of bed she dashed herself naked upon the floor, crying and shrieking in a most horrible manner. She called for leeches, blisters, bleeding to save her life, and then cried for prayer, Bible, sacraments to save her soul. And at last I dared to feel that it was indeed the hand of the living God who was shaking her soul and preparing it to receive his overwhelming grace. At last she lay still and exhausted in bed, her husband standing amazed at the door, biting his knuckles. As she stared into my eyes I asked if she recognized me? She nodded. I told her I thought she was now ready to meet God. Her mouth was moved by something like a smile. I asked if she loved him? She whispered, “I love God and I love you.”

1837

Sept. 24 th— The Spirit having moved me to fast for several days, I feel the power of the flesh very much in respect of appetite: I frequently prefer a piece of bread and cheese to God. I discern distinctly that I am a beast — earthly, sensual, devilish; also that the world, all that is seen, is outside of God. The whole world lieth in the devil , but I am of God. Lord deliver me from self, and let my will be so wholly swallowed up in Thine that Thou mayest become my Self . Amen, and Amen!

My health continues very precarious. Deemed it to be the will of God that I should not complete the College term; wrote for a certificate of exemption; the authorities readily consented. It is wonderful how God disposes the hearts of others toward me. Am to return to Bath on Wednesday with Mother who will take me up when her carriage passes through Lampeter: her plan to visit cousins (which would have made that impossible) is now put off. Truly, God is “wonderful in working”. When the promptings of a man’s heart affect the purposes of Jehovah, He makes a way for them. I have done with plans, purposes, intentions , I am a mere instrument , in the hands of The Divine Architect, for the building of His spiritual temple .

Oct. 5 th— Have been shaken over the grave by an attack of dysentery attended with extreme pain, tendency to fainting, with a fluttering pulse above one hundred, and a clammy skin, that I thought it not improbable that I should die in a few minutes. Like one hovering between life and death I took a hasty review of my past — the whole appeared like one long, uninterrupted sin. How wonderful is the wisdom of God: had this taken place at Lampeter, I should have died without the diet and close attention that has barely kept life in me, even here. Save me, O Lord, from my most subtle, persevering, ever present and most deadly enemy, my self ; blot out my sin with Thine most precious blood. Cleanse my polluted soul with Thine own indwelling holiness! Amen, and Amen.

Nov. 29 th— The lord has been conducting my soul through clouds and darkness, and has convinced me of my entire impotency , to a degree I could scarcely conceive. My soul has been like a waste and howling wilderness, dark, barren, hard, and desolate; my Heaven was brass, and my Earth iron; and my soul seemed only fit to be the habitation of dragons, and a court for screech owls. Self was bound hand and foot in the midst of this unadulterated misery; corruption raged. I could see neither light, nor grace, nor God; could neither think, nor reflect, nor turn to God, nor recollect myself. My soul was driven to an extremity I could not turn to the right hand nor to the left. All doing was come to an end; it was a time of pure suffering : yet I was in perfect peace for my spirit was abiding in God, and dwelt in “a peaceable habitation”, even while the hail came “down on the forest”.

I visited poor Y. last week; he had been ill three weeks. The door of the house was locked, so that I was obliged to clamber in at the window. He was alone in his miserable hovel, sitting shivering over a small fire, with a few potatoes and his Bible. The poor fellow had just been passing through a fiery trial, during which he was sore pressed by Satan to destroy himself: Hell seemed open to him, Christ far away, prayer almost impossible: he wandered about in agony and terror for many days until comfort gradually returned. He was much in the Spirit when I saw him, and very changed in character — though haughty, proud and independent spirit had sunk into the gentleness and meekness of a little child; he could not open his mouth for shame; he prayed and so did I: it was a good time; I felt God to be in the room, and found much communion of spirit.

Y. was converted many years ago; his conversion was remarkable, and attended, at first, with great alarm, and subsequently, with full reconciliation, and much joy and love. Some years afterwards — about nine years ago — he was prevailed upon to take more liquor than he could bear, under the influence of which he was tempted by others, and actually committed fornication. The result was a total departure of his former peace, great anguish, fear of hell, and an accusing conscience. He has never known settled peace since, through he has sought it with many tears, but has been a mourner all his days. And not withstanding his outward diseases, which have been severe, he has scarcely ever known what it is to have the light of the Lord’s countenance shine upon him since the days of his iniquity. Surely, sin is indeed an evil , and a bitter thing; or, as he says, “God will not let His people have sin cheap .”

Dec 6 th— This day my beloved Mother in Christ consented to become my wife.

“This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.” How peculiar has been our intercourse; how remote from everything that could have led me to anticipate such a result as this. God has been wonderfully preparing us for each other, without our entertaining the least suspicion of what He was about. As I walk upon the downs with my dear Martha I am happy to find that, though I love her dearly, she is not the supreme object of my affections for I love God and Jesus Christ infinitely better. He reminds us that the other is a creature, and I feel that if God were to make over the whole universe to my absolute control, there is an appetite for Jesus which only He could satisfy. He calls me to walk with Him and be perfect.

1838

Dec 10th — Yesterday I saw myself so exceedingly wicked that I felt I had done M. an injury in asking her to marry such a wretch, and ought to ask forgiveness for doing so. Then I suffered, for about two hours, intense agony from toothache, during which I was enabled, through grace, to cleave unto Jesus inwardly, and find enjoyment in Him. I could bless Him for my pain and thankful that He allowed me to suffer in anyway to His glory. O self, thou are my bitterest, most implacable and cruel enemy! Why does’t thou pursue me so, even to the very gate of Heaven? For thou cans’t not enter it.