Alasdair Gray - Old Men in Love

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“For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil.” — 1. JOHN iii. 8.

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LONDON:

PUBLISHED FOR THE PROPRIETOR BY

ARTHUR HALL, VIRTUE, AND CO.,

25, PATERNOSTER ROW.

1859.

May 7 th— Glory be to Thee, O God! A day to be much remembered. The 7 thMay two years ago (1834) the Lord in Mercy delivered me from the bondage of Satan at half past four in the evening after many months of dreadful suffering under the conviction of sin and the temptations of Satan. When I deemed I had committed the unpardonable sin, in an hour of extreme agony Christ was revealed to me by faith, and my soul found peace in an instant.

Was enabled this day to declare my religious principles boldly before the college. The —— had given wine to drink his infant’s birth. Speeches were made. I called upon them all to unite in prayer for the child’s spiritual happiness. Afterwards pride strove hard for establishment; a day of darkness, deep darkness. I am far from God and in deep misery. Was much helped in exposition to my little congregation.

June 14 th 45— A strong east wind was blowing today which always exerts a pestilential influence upon my flesh, but I had to visit a poor woman half dead in body and wholly so in spirit. My appearance alarmed her at first and even the announcement of my name, which she had heard from Arthur Rees, failed to reassure her. Gasping for breath she said her husband was not at home and asked if I could not wait till evening. I examined the sputum in a bowl beside her chair, felt her pulse, asked her to breathe deep while listening to her chest. I then asked if she knew she was dying of consumption. Between coughs she nodded agreement. I asked if she was not afraid. She said no, she knew that Christ would save her. I asked how she knew that. She said, because she felt comfortable in herself . She knew she was a sinner but thought she was not a very bad one. The Reverend Mr Griffiths had spoken to her so she did not need me. I said, “Your priest has made you comfortable in your self and you think this the work of God?”

She said, “Yes I’m at peace sir. Thank you for calling but I don’t need you.”

I told her what the Scriptures say about false peace: From the prophet even unto the priest everyone dealeth falsely. For they have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly saying “Peace! Peace!” where there is no peace. I told her Jeremiah was speaking about clergy who lead their flocks to Hell by dealing slightly with their conscience. I said I had come to deal with her hardly . She stared at me and said, “ I will not go to Hell sir! I am not afraid to die!”

I told her that many consumptives feel this sensation of comfort before their end but it is a fleshly delusion, and it is a fearful thing to fall in to the hands of an angry God. She said, “God be praised he will never abandon me !”

I told her that only the poor in spirit enter the Kingdom of Heaven, whereupon she declared her spiritual poverty with a vehemence only pride could inspire. I told her so. She screamed, “I am not proud. I am Humble! Humble! Humble!” which brought on such a violent fit of coughing that I had to support her back and hold the bowl while she retched into it. After this she lay down exhausted and I pointed out that God would save her if she loved him utterly, but she was in peril because she still loved herself. Weeping she said that, if she was wrong, surely God would show her? I said he was showing her through me.

June 18 th— Tonight, by the grace of God, another addition to my little congregation, and I believe a firm one. Since my declaration at Dr Ollivant’s banquet George Thomas has come to it twice only, praying almost inaudibly, otherwise maintaining a silence throughout our discussions that showed the spirit in him was still weak indeed. He came an hour late tonight and surveyed us with his back against the door and an expression I can only call sarcastic. We did not rise from our knees. He said, “The Lampeter Brethren! The Lampeter Brethren!” and chuckled. I asked if he was drunk. He said, “Not very. In vino veritas you know,” and asked if he should leave. I said, not if he had something to say.

He said that in some ways he admired us. He didn’t object to our Principal riding to hounds because there was nothing in Holy Writ against killing foxes, but Ollivant was too fond of money. He was Rector of two parishes, and angling for a third, and his work here meant he hardly visited any. Then he said, “But Prince, you are an abominable fellow. Abominable.”

At this Rees told Thomas he had better leave. I said “No, stay Thomas,” (standing up to face him) and, “Abominable, yes, carry on.”

He then said I kept suggesting people were not humble enough and I had the pride of Lucifer. I thought only of myself — how could I help people if I didn’t love them? I wanted fellow students in this prayer group because through prayer I could master them without liking them. That was also why I searched out poor dying men and women and plagued their last moments. It was not gentlemanly. It was not nice. He had no wish to be offensive but it was not nice.

I had difficulty silencing the protests of the others but they listened when I told them that Thomas was right about me. I am cold-hearted. My mother and sister have idolized me and given me all they can but I do not love them. They are the kind of church-goers who have never experienced God, and the fact that they will go to Hell does not dismay me as it should. The only human creature I much like is an elderly Catholic lady who taught me to pray from the heart, but I love her less than I love Jesus, and my love for Jesus is feeble indeed. Sometimes I feel close to him and swim serenely in an ocean of living, liquid love. But after an hour of this Holy Communion with the bridegroom of my soul I feel, not that God is good and glorious, but that I am good and glorious. And at once I am cast down and have to lie many weeks before the gate of Hell without one drop of Heavenly moisture to wet my tongue. Yes, my pride is like Lucifer’s. I need honest friends to show me the detestable body of my wicked will. That was why Thomas had been sent here tonight by God. Could Thomas not see that? Would he not join us in a prayer for the salvation of my soul and the souls of my spiritual brothers here assembled? For the souls, if he wished, of all the college?

He said he could hardly refuse a request like that, and knelt and joined us, heart and soul, I verily believe.

June 20 th— I returned today to my dying penitent. Her husband opened the door and tried to deny me entrance. He said his wife was very ill and I had made her terribly unhappy. I told him she needed me. He said violently, “You will not cross this door sir!”

She heard his voice and screamed, “O David let him in! Let him in David.”

He hesitated and I entered.

At once she began telling me she was a great sinner and much afraid of dying. She incessantly asked me, “Shall I die? Am I dying? Has God answered your prayers? Will he forgive my sins? Are you sure?”