Miriam Toews - Irma Voth

I want that, said Aggie.

You want your body to go numb or you want to keep moving? I said.

I’m not sure, said Aggie.

I think that’s normal, I said.

How would you know what’s normal? she said.

That’s a good question, smartass, I said, but I’m trying to make you feel better.

We lay side by side in bed. Aggie began to cry and I held her.

She finally fell asleep and my arm was trapped beneath her and I didn’t want to wake her up so I let her lie on my arm all night long and in the morning when she woke up I told her that she wasn’t going home again, that home had changed, that home, like thoughts, according to Marijke, were random patterns of atoms flying around and forever on the move. And I considered telling her that if thoughts and home were random patterns then actions were too, all actions, tender, desperate, lucid, treacherous ones and the promises we make and break, the secrets we share with dying Venezuelans, and the bruises and bleeding cuts on her back. All of them random patterns. And that they didn’t mean a thing.

The rain that was forecast for today hasn’t come. Diego is obsessed with the sky and is worried that if it doesn’t rain soon his movie will be ruined. He is wondering, out loud, about alternative sources of rain. He’s made a call to the bomberos , the firefighters, to see how much water they hold in their tanks and how far their hoses can spray it.

We’re all at the table, eating toast and eggs and fruit quickly, about to leave for our next location. I’m not sure exactly where it is but I think it’s a hill, somewhere south of here. I’m nervous about everything. Aggie can’t go back home and she can’t go to school because if she goes to school they’ll make her go back home. Marijke is talking to Aggie about astral projection and while she talks she puts her hand gently on Aggie’s cheek. Elias is talking about the constitution of the avocado which, when he bites into it, makes him feel like he’s eating a baby. Alfredo isn’t here yet but I think he’ll meet us at the hill. I only get bits and pieces of information. I can hear Wilson telling Sebastian that his home is where he can do his art and I can see him listening and nodding respectfully. He doesn’t want Wilson to leave again so he’s willing to listen to his theories. Wilson smiled at me when I handed him his plate of eggs and toast and he whispered something but I couldn’t understand it. Miguel has already left the table and is hauling equipment out to the trucks. Diego and José are reading something, a piece of paper, and Diego is pointing at it and talking very fast and rubbing his arm vigorously. The rebel spirit of my grandfather is directing this film! he said. José is perfectly still, like a kid playing freeze tag, waiting to be tapped. Neither one of them has spoken to Marijke, or even looked at her. Aggie has a cut lip and the red outline of a hand and all its fingers on her left cheek and Marijke hasn’t moved her own hand from it yet. I think she’s redirecting energy but I’m not sure. I’m nervous. I need to talk to Diego about getting paid and about Aggie getting paid too, if she’s also going to help with the movie, but he seems so agitated right now and is already worried about how much everything is costing him so I’ll wait until tonight when hopefully he’ll have gotten the shot that he and the rebellious spirit of his grandfather are looking for and his life will be worth living once again. Now he looks a little sad. He’s smiling at me wistfully, I think, as though I remind him of someone he once knew and liked.

We’re at the hill and Alfredo still isn’t here because of some family situation and Diego is upset. Elias has to listen to him while Diego explains that when he is on a plane and thinks that it might crash or when he’s in a car and it’s about to veer off a cliff he doesn’t think about his family. He thinks about his film. How he has to finish his film because it is his duty to finish his film. That’s how he thinks. He picks up a stick and says it has as much meaning as his own unborn child and then throws it far into the scrubby bushes.

I hate meaning! he says. Why is everyone searching for meaning? Elias stands and listens to Diego. He looks at the sky and nods, as though God is telling him it’s okay, Elias, my son, be patient, Diego won’t be angry forever, just listen for a little longer.

Aggie and I have been hauling stuff up to the top of the hill. Fruit, juice, water, granola bars. We’re wearing cowboy boots to protect us from the snakes. Marijke is sleeping in one of the trucks which are parked at the bottom of the hill and probably stuck in the mud. Her legs are protruding from the passenger side window. She doesn’t have to be here today for this shot, she’s not in it, but she didn’t want to stay at the house all by herself because it makes her feel like she’s dead. José the producer has gone back to Mexico City with some of the reels of film. Everyone is gaunt and exhausted. It’s so hot out here and we’re so high up and it feels like the sun is punishing us for trespassing.

This is another shot of a kiss. A woman is here from Cuauhtémoc to kiss Alfredo who finally showed up. She was supposed to be a Mennonite from Campo 6.5 but Diego couldn’t find a local woman willing even to pretend to be Alfredo’s lover so he’s using this pale Mexican substitute. They’ve tied her hair back and put her in Mennonite clothes and moved her head over to the left for the shot so that it’s more of Alfredo’s face and less of hers that will be visible. They’re about to be passionate on top of this hill.

Sebastian, the soundman, is giving Alfredo more lessons in kissing. I’m trying to learn too. I see that it might work to put my hand on the back of Jorge’s neck and then move it slowly up towards his hair. Diego is telling Alfredo to infuse this scene with love and tenderness, to spread his passion over every inch of the shot softly and smoothly like mayonnaise. He is encouraging Alfredo to think of something romantic to say to the woman. Words are lubricants, Alfie, he’s saying. Alfredo is squeezing his eyes shut and seems to be thinking hard of what that could be. Aha, he’s got something good. He opens his eyes and points them, smouldering, at the woman and says, I’m not indifferent to you.

Diego is screaming. Not indifferent? he says. Not indifferent ? He can’t stand this life anymore and has wandered away to find a branch to hang himself from. From a distance we can see him still waving his arms around and pointing at the sky and grabbing his head and picking things up and throwing them but we can’t hear him. It’s like he’s playing charades and the thing he’s been given to act out is apocalypse.

Alfredo says good riddance. He calls him Hitler and cracks open another vampiro. The others are wandering around and looking into the camera and up at the sky and getting things ready for the shot. Sebastian has kissed the woman from Cuauhtémoc at least seven times now, she’s starting to giggle, and Alfredo is standing off to the side with a strange smile on his face, watching and nodding. Aggie and I are sitting on boxes off to the side, braiding grass and talking. Oveja is lying on the ground next to us, panting and farting in the heat. We can hear Diego asking his actors what they think is so fucking funny about kissing.

Alfredo has just pulled a gun on Oveja. They’re official enemies. Before the actual kiss Alfredo is supposed to run, with ardour, to the woman and grab her zealously. Oveja saw Alfredo rehearsing this part and attacked him and Alfredo took his gun out of his pants and smashed Oveja on the head with it. Oveja backed off a bit and stood snarling at Alfredo who was yelling and ready to blow the dog to smithereens. He fired a shot into the air. Diego is now yelling also for Wilson to take the dog back down the hill and put him in the truck with Marijke. He’s trying to explain to Alfredo that Oveja panicked and was convinced that Alfredo’s intention was to kill the woman, not to kiss her, and how could he know otherwise, he was a dog. Are you not more rational than a dog, Alfie? Diego was yelling. He can’t understand your actions but you can understand his because you are a man. Now stop this and put your gun away. Alfredo is threatening to leave again for good and Diego is swearing one inch from Alfredo’s face. I’m going to put away my notebook and walk down the hill with Wilson and Oveja.