Chuck Palahniuk - Pygmy

Aware molar tooth this agent, filled hollow with deadly cyanide. Forever so able resolve this agent utilizing single bite.

En route, approached operative Tibor, that agent bestowing thick stack, vast quantity paper American currency upon operative me. Serious mass load many notes one, five, twenty-dollar bills.

For official record, allow pig dog brother lead this agent making small parade. Stride passing location clear-yellow bully brutalize host brother. Stride past table numerous shoe for purchase. Tennis shoe, track shoe, bowling shoe. Wrestling shoe. Basketball shoe. Cross-training shoe. Arriving shelves burdened cologne of Listerine, host brother halt, make eyes sideways one direction, sideways other direction. No fellow citizen present as witness. Next then, happen upon former gentleman delegate Tanzania, occasion catalyst vast smile, delegate say, “Pyg-ster!” Say, “Hey, good buddy!”

Next then, stumble upon Madam Butter Bags. Esteemed madam bat flirt eye, say squeal, “Pygmy!” Say, “Wow about that science fair thing!”

Upon occasion alone, isolated amid empty aisle accompanied solely host brother, hands host brother open paper sheet. Fingers vibrating. Trembling. Voice of pig dog in additional trembling, say, “I need to read you something Mrs. Stonefield gave me…”

In response this agent could offer instruct pig brother, paw-raw, pounce Clawing Cougar.

Eyes pig dog darting evasive, no connecting eyes this agent. English alphabet letters, written by hand alongside of envelope, written, “For Pygmy.”

Negotiate could be operative me train host brother, slash-crash, execute perfect exact Tearing Tiger.

That now, approached operative Tanek for deliver that agent large volume, serious bulk additional American monetary notes.

Pig brother eyes fixed upon letter sheet, say, read say, “‘Dear Pygmy…’”

This agent offer, could be teach brother, claw-craw, Pawing Panther. After able instant quick kill all enemy.

‘“Dear Pygmy,’” repeat say host brother, ‘“Probably I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, because if you’re reading my letter then I’ve got to be dead.’”

In secret thinking machine operative me, no voice reciting, Nickel, niobium, Naughahyde… 223

Read say out letter, host brother say, “‘That’s probably for the best.’”

Within skull reciting, Fermium, fluorine, Formica…

Read say, ‘“Better to be dead, I figure, than alive and knowing what I can’t have. You know?’” Read say, ‘“Maybe it’s better just living the way you figure life is when you’re a kid. Before you get too smart.’”

Ultimate million reflections this agent, pig dog brother, striding past everything new with shine. Polished plastic. Tight stretches vinyl. Everything American begging for take home.

Pig brother say off paper, ‘“If I could go back to before you and me in the bathroom, definitely probably I’d jump at the chance. Only problem is, I can’t.’” Read say, ‘“If you won’t share my life with me, maybe you’ll share my death.’”

Eye cast upon letter, read say, ‘“Sorry about tomorrow at the United Nations, how I’m tricking you to kill me.’” Read say, “‘You made me somebody new. That’s plenty’” Read say, ‘“Thank you.’”

In closing, paper written, “Love.” Written, “Trevor Stone-field.”

Fingers operative me aware vial tucked within trouser, toxin. Within skull reciting prayer of benevolent hero, altruist savior Mao Tse-tung, say, “If you have to shit, shit! If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it.”

“That money you gave me at Wal-Mart,” say pig brother, say, “it smelled like ass…” Say, “How’d that happen?”

From distant, far terminus aisle, solely witness aged skeleton Doris Lilly. Clouded eye observe, no blink. Next now, menacing wrinkled head tilt, nod, repeat to make head meaning “yes.” Feet ominous cadaver make exit, wander so no more present, eclipsed behind many absurd breakfast food, heaped expiring foodstuffs.

Dying objects. Dying buyers. Desperate how sad.

Arriving that then, operative Chernok, imparting generous portion, much heavy funds cash of American legal tender. Paper bills printed portraits presidents Lincoln, Jackson, Washington.

Quote, “If you have to shit, shit! If you have to fart, fart! You will feel much better for it.”

Hands operative me delve more deep trouser, fingers clutch glass vial. Extract so able present for pig dog. Voice of this agent, pitched casual, explain how vial as Listerine: effective cologne for driving all the fine ladies wild. Display vial so most appealing. Announce, here invented such super-mega-effective Spanish fly as pig brother requested. Rise elevate vial fatal toxin, hand making ever more close host brother face.

Begins here thirty-fourth account of operative me, agent number 67, on departure Midwestern American airport greater XXXXXX area. Flight XXXXXX. Date XXXXXX. Destination competition finals National Science Fair, located city of Washington, District of Columbia, national seat most hated American nation.

For purpose execute climax Operation Havoc.

Fellow operatives present interior airport, operative Tibor, operative Magda, operative Ling. All, Sheena, Bokara, Chernok, Mang. Otto and Oleg.

Present for departure this agent, solely host mother Cedar. Scrawny chicken mother, beak face irritated much red color, caused recent too copious eye bleeding water. Host father: detained custody federal police. Host pig brother: missing. Host cat sister: Hating guts operative me.

Aged alive cadaver Doris Lilly, present for accompany as chaperone along science fair journey.

Host mother, chicken claws wring facial tissue at beak. Twist tissue so saturated eye water, say, “Have a good trip…” Say, “We’ll miss you…” Chicken frame shaken with heaving sob, blood glow flood face red.

Within skull, this agent reciting, Manganese, Mouseketeer, Modesto…

Host mother racked violent sobs. Mopping floodwater of face.

Secret voice operative me, reciting, Xenon, Ex-Lax, Xanax…

Chicken mother wipe saturated face skin. Loud inhale nostrils loaded infinite mucus. Repeat breathe inward dense burden mucus. Issue terrible drowning voice, say, “Pygmy?” Say, “Do you remember how I said we’d make you into an American or die trying?”

Chicken mouth wane smile, brimming eyes, say, “Well, if you jumped the first plane back to your native homeland, I wouldn’t blame you one little bit.” Mauling moist tissue, say, “This family… our whole country is a total wreck.”

Father arrested. Son missing. Sister betrayed. Mother weeping.

Blink watery eye, swipe dripping beak, host mother say, “I would understand completely if you didn’t want to be adopted, I mean…” Shoulders heave, quaking. Chicken elbows pinned at each side. Mother say, “Everything is just so messed up right now.”

Both twitching limbs host mother fling so embrace this agent. Grapple torso operative me, pressuring head of this agent between host mother mammary glands. Dampening hair operative me much mother eye water. Sounding contractions, beat-beat, beat-beat, beat-beat, regular systematic convulsions mother heart muscle into ear of this agent.

Heart pulse battling thinking machine, recitation basic chemical elements, Neon, nylon, Nashville…

Next then chaperone Doris Lilly approach, stumbling stride arrive wrinkled mummy, waxen face say, “Sorry, dears, but it’s time we caught our flight…”

Assembled crowd cheering students, chanting single voice, “Pygmy!” Chanting, “Pygmy!” Cheering, “Pygmy!”

Clutches Doris Lilly pinch shoulder operative me, parrot finger clench clavicle bone so peel this agent away host mother. Steer so this agent directed path of boarding aircraft. Making ancient hand to wave upon retreating host mother. Gesturing farewell, Doris Lilly say,“‘Afterwards you rue the fact that you’ve been so kind.’”