Chuck Palahniuk - Pygmy

Next then, professor request demonstrate appliance. Demand show how activate miracle phallus.

Focused amid all present watching, cat sister manipulate missile, handle hidden control appliance base, activate mechanism for commence pink-color plastic transform more shade pink, more darker pink, color shading red. Next then, phallus pulse surge, vibrate, quiver, shiver. Invention shake, oscillate, tremble. Project joggle, jiggle, flutter. Emerge sweet melody music, trill melodious tune.

Face numerous professor fashion wide smile.

Cat sister smile.

Sudden now, phallus increase degree jostle. Machinery convulse, quake, jolt. Thin ribbon smoke, white smoke stray out plastic shell. Smoking phallus jump, caper, jerk, issuing dark smoke, black smoke.

Crowd all present retreat one stride, recede safe distance during phallus sprout miniature flame, red, yellow, blue flame. Sound screaming wail, no pretty music. Wailing demon phallus spring from table, bolt about exhibition floor, pursuing terrified judges. Trailing acrid black smoke, comet tail orange flames, screaming killer phallus spit molten plastic, pounce in chase wailing students. Stalk howling youth. Squalling inflamed phallus hunt squealing children.

Same now, tiny telephone host sister sound ring. Adamant ring.

Phone applied ear, cat sister say, “Dad?” Dodging aflame path killer phallus, host sister say, “You’re in jail? ”

Same then, teeth operative me spread wide, legs spring, jawbone this agent snap shut, find purchase around flaming missile, snatch-catch , perfect Biting Bulldog. Crush renegade phallus. Molars render no longer threat.

All present strike together palms. Raucous cacophony applause. Attempt strike palms upon scapular this agent.

Saliva operative me flavored solder, scent cat sister some many night effort for construct device. Taste sweat of host sister labor. So wasted effort. Sour tang of guilt. Expectorate this agent masticated remnants scorched rocket.

Professor foot, shoe prodding smolder remains invention, say, “Thank God that didn’t happen inside of someone…”

Awards top honor upon this agent. Hero of this today. Hero of Model United Nation. Hero of local science fair.

Total vast assemblage mounting verbal cheer. United of single voice, chant, “Pygmy!” Chant, “Pygmy!” Chant, “Pygmy!”

Quote, “On every side, the slug humanitarianism leaves its slimy trail, obscuring the function of intelligence and atrophying emotion.”

Gazing ruin former menacing phallus, yelling at telephone, sister say, “But, Dad, why’d they arrest you?”

Same now marking most major strategic victory operative me—lauded vociferous by all, phallus conquered, competition project sabotaged—this exact now, host sister begin wail at telephone. Eye stealth cat sister commence copious bleed water.

Begins here thirtieth account of operative me, agent number 67, upon return religion propaganda distribution outlet of city XXXXXX. Seated among throng many citizen, vacuous lazy multitude citizen state XXXXXX. Philosophically lax, morally despicable, culturally exhausted membership congregation religious community XXXXXX. On occasion disposal cadaver devil Tony for nourish soil denizens.

Snake nest. American den of evil. Hive of corruption.

Casket containing devil staged position, same shrine location as casket of clear-yellow bully. Same location previous casket gun-shot delegate Zaire, delegate East Timor, Egypt, Brazil.

Open of ceremony, string embedded all paraffin cylinder, strings inflamed. Space perfumed genitals lush plant life. Statue man still dead, plaster bleeding red paint. Mounting altar of worship shrine, crippled zombie, stumbling ancient skeleton Doris Lilly. Hunched beside casket packaging mortal remains, decaying devil Tony, esteemed Miss Lilly say, cough thunder of phlegm noise upon microphone, say, “Due to the absence of our lay minister, Donald Cedar…” Say, “I’ve been asked to say a few words in regard to the tragic passing of Reverend Anthony…”

Host father Don Cedar, vast breathing cow, this today absent.

Twitching claws chicken mother, talons shred wadded facial tissue infinite bits. Host mother scented double extra dosed Xanax, perspiring abundant, pelvis no humming battery missile. Loins hollow of plastic vibration missile.

For official record, this today skills operative me having erased two American vermin, deleted two corrupt parasite—school gunner with pedophile. Yet aware no sensation fed. Discern no fulfillment mission. No satisfied such slaughter, instead solely aware such numerous more vermin to murder. Infinite quest such numbers for extermination, if perhaps no possible.

Additional seated bench of shrine, cat sister, pig brother.

Present operative Magda, hands of that agent hovering around hidden fetus.

Amidst present congregation mourners, female parentage Trevor Stonefield.

Doddering skeleton Doris Lilly deliver eulogy. Leaking eyeball gaping round, suffer such anguish. Such grieve. Explain devil Tony discovered strewn, fatal corpse fallen surprise casualty cerebral hemorrhage. Corpse chilled on account heart muscle so long time no contracted. Located beneath plaster foot, proof remain evident: atop carpet twin tiny stain blood leakage out devil ears canal.

Eulogy no mention inner bikini pants operative Magda, stained blood, seed, neurotoxin. Abandoned this agent, inner pants frozen within death spasm fingers devil Tony. Cotton fabric soiled, so fixed this agent no able retrieve. Forced abandon during feet operative me retreat.

In greater afraid … within thinking machine operative me, this agent ponder if entire being operative me pitted for destroy American, annihilate homosexual, crackpot Methodist religion, Lutheran and Baptist cult, extinguish all decadent bourgeoisie—subsequent successful total such destruction: Render this agent obsolete? Of no worth?

If possessing no vile enemy—will operative me cease also exist?

Seated for witness burial rite devil Tony, cat sister whisper, say, “My dad had some contract to invent something,” say host sister. “It was some new caramel vanilla fudge flavor for some Starbucks-kind of franchised global coffee hut.” Say, “The taste was supposed to be irresistible…”

Reason why host father, Don Cedar, seized in custody police. Victim military-industrial complex joined action corporate food conspiracy.

Lingering, amidst contents thinking machine operative me, discern perhaps this agent caught, also contained trap. Compelled nurture and preserve dreaded American enemy, if solely for provide target hatred operative me. Hatred homeland state operative me. Must this agent forever ensure supply American vermin for ensure ongoing mission to make extinct?

Echoing within skull operative me, no certain which more breed terror: Preserve enemy. Or, successful resolve single driving purpose, energy of vast hatred, lifetime vocation this agent.

Cat sister seated adjacent bench, scented solder, reeking black smoke issued exploding killer phallus, melted attacking phallus. Cat sister say, “What happened was this reverse Louis Pasteur deal.” Say, whisper say during burial rites, say, “Their banana-caramel-nut deal got contaminated.” Say, “It grew this superdeadly mold…”

Much venerated mummy, decayed carcass Doris Lilly move parrot mouth, droning. Withered hand mop seepage of clouded cataract eyeball.

Whisper cat sister explain, artificial flavoring tainted bacterium, bloom fungus extreme toxic spore, original source neurotoxin deemed too deadly except permanent deep storage, frozen. No utilized flavoring franchised coffee beverage. Despite so flavorful, banana-caramel-nut essence deemed threat all humanity, required top-priority secured secret vault.