Ahmad al-Shidyaq - Leg over Leg - Volumes One and Two

Nay, even if you watered him with the waters of al-Faḥfāḥ and al-Kawthar 599or with fine honey wine with which tasnīm 600has been mixed, and added him to the company “among whom pass immortal youths bearing goblets and ewers and a cup from a spring” 601and “such fruits that they shall choose and such flesh of fowl as they desire” “mid thornless lote trees and serried acacias and spreading shade and outpoured waters and fruits abounding — unfailing, unforbidden — and up-raised couches,” and who have “two gardens abounding in branches, therein two fountains of running water… therein of every fruit two kinds and besides these two gardens… and green, green pastures… and two fountains of gushing water… and fruits, and palm trees, and pomegranates… and maidens good and comely… and fruits and palm trees with sheaths and grain in the blade and fragrant herbs” with among them those who “recline upon green cushions and lovely druggets” and those who “recline upon couches lined with brocade… upon close-wrought couches” who “shall be given to drink a cup whose mixture is ginger, and therein a fountain whose name is Salsabīl; immortal youths shall go about them, when thou seest them one supposest them scattered pearls… with upon them green garments of silk and brocade, adorned with bracelets of silver,” never, even in such a state, will you see him consenting to go without a woman, and I seek refuge with God from such a person: despite all of the foregoing (meaning the availability to the man of food and drink), he will insist upon a woman being present, since the first is created for the sustenance of life and the second to rectify his nature, as mentioned.

2.14.86

The presence of a woman is harder to ensure than that of either food or drink, demands more effort, and is costlier, for food and drink are to be found in every place and at every time; even the people of hell have food in the form of zaqqūm , 602molten copper, and cactus thorn, and drink in the form of foul pus, and shade from a smoking blaze, 603but they do not have women in the form of “fire from a smokeless blaze” 604or from among the demons, and there are no women present on board ship or in a monastery (except occasionally) or available to a man riding a horse or a camel or a mule, or to one running on foot, or to one fighting a war, or to a prisoner, or to a man with an ugly face (unless his money or his pedigree are attractive), or to an unctuous poet even though he flatter them and spend his nights describing their charms and rhapsodizing over them, or to one who has erectile dysfunction, or a tendency to premature ejaculation, premature climax, rapid climax, or early ejaculation, or to come immediately on penetration or to go soft before it, or one who suffers from weak erections, or from going soft after being stiff, or is too quick to come, or comes just from talking to a woman, or suffers from impotence, or lack of libido, or frigidity, or lack of virility, or thwarted sexual capacity, or lack of sexual interest in women, or lack of sexual drive, or lack of studliness, or lack of manly vigor, or floppiness of the member, or poor performance, or sexual inertia, or sheer inability, or coming too fast, or behaving like a female jerboa, or lack of virility or machismo, or sexual ignorance, or shooting his wad the moment he enters, or indifference to women. If it be said that the toothless man can eat no bread either, I would reply that he can have bread pounded for him until it’s soft and then chew on and work it over with his gums, but when you’re one of those who come immediately on penetration, or suffer from any consanguine conditions, how are you ever going to find a way to chew over a woman?

2.14.87

In addition, just as confusion reigns over the very nature of womankind and men’s minds are at a loss to understand the mystery with which God has endowed her, from the perspective that she is first cause of both the flourishing and the ruination of the universe, for almost nothing of great import takes place in the world but you’ll discover when you peep through its chinks that there’s a woman standing (or more likely lying) behind it, so likewise muddling and mixing are present in her name. Thus the word imraʾah (“woman”) in our noble language is derived from the verb maraʾa , used of food to mean “it was wholesome, healthy, and of beneficial effect,” 605though in fact a woman is often a food to choke or gag on, one that causes indigestion, spoils one’s appetite, and makes one’s stomach heave. Furthermore, the glottal stop ( hamz ) in imraʾah is for purposes of elison ( waṣl ), and the elision ( waṣl ) in it is for purposes of compression ( hamz ), 606while its plural is constructed from a different root than that of the singular and has numerous forms, 607and in one language the word denotes “man’s woe” and in another “pudendum.” 608

2.14.88

In contrast, a wife, by which is understood “a woman plus” or “half a woman plus half a man,” has been allocated numerous names out of respect, among them qarīnah (“consort”), whose etymology is well known, 609and ʿāzibah , which derives from ʿazaba , meaning “to distance oneself,” because she distances herself from her parents when she goes to her husband or vice versa, 610or when she goes away from him altogether, etc., and ḥurmah (“the protected one”), and also al-liḥāf (“the quilt”) because she warms the man with the heat of her body, as will be explained, 611and ḥadādah 612and niḍr and ʿirs 613and ḥalīlah (“co-dweller”) and al-libās (“the bloomers”) and jathal and ḥāl (“burden”) and khuḍullah (“comfort, ease” or “a soft woman”) and shāʿah 614and ḥannah and rubuḍ and al-naʿl (“the sole”) (though I don’t approve of the last and it would be better if it were deleted). It’s strange that she is called “the bloomers” and “the quilt” but not “the underdrawers.”

2.14.89

A certain scholar has said that if God wishes to do something good on earth, he chooses a woman as the means to its accomplishment, and if the Devil wishes to do something evil, he also uses a woman for his ends. People differ over the interpretation of this statement. The Bag-men believe that the accession of women to the throne of England was an unalloyed blessing, 615while the Market-men believe it was an infernal evil; similar are the cases of the two queens of England 616and of Irene, wife of Leo IV, and Theodora, wife of Theophilus, 617and so on without number. Note here that it has not been the custom to make women popes, metropolitans, heads of armies, ships’ captains, or judges, out of fear of their intrepid and powerful natures. What would happen if men, who by nature worship women, were to vacate these high posts and they to assume them? If it be said that the Franks take them as queens and do well, I would respond that it has been decided among them that, if the head of state is a female, the management of the laws and all official work go to a male. This may be one of the most difficult issues relating to women, for the same analysis applies equally to women being popes or anything else. I may have gone on at too great a length here about women, overlooking the fact that there are to be found among them some who are too short to justify a long discussion. Now, then, it is time for me to divorce myself from them and return to the matter in hand, though I shall come back to them at some other point, God willing.