Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

My Thoughts had for so long time been kept as it were, waking, that almost every-thing gave me the Allarm, and this especially, so that I was very uneasie; but I cou’d not bring Matters to bear, to make my coming to London so clear to my Husband as I wou’d have done; for he lik’d the Place, and had a-mind, he said , to stay a little longer, if it was not against my Inclination; so I wrote my Friend the QUAKER, Word, That I cou’d not come to Town yet ?; and that besides, I cou’d not think of being there under Spies, and afraid to look out-of-Doors; and so, in short , I put off going for near a Fortnight more.

At the end of that Time she wrote again, in which she told me , That she had not lately seen the Impertinent Visitor , which had been so troublesome; but that she had seen my Trusty Agent, Amy , who told her, She had cry’d for six Weeks, without Intermission; that Amy had given her an Account how troublesome the Creature had been; and to what Straits and Perplexities I was driven, by her hunting after, and following me from Place to Place: Upon which, Amy had said, That notwithstanding I was angry with her, and had us’d her so hardly, for saying something about her of the same kind; yet there was an absolute Necessity of securing her, and removing her out-of-the-way; and that, in short , without asking my Leave, or any-body’s Leave, she wou’d take Care she shou’d trouble her Mistress (meaning me) no more; and that after Amy had said so, she had indeed, never heard any-more of the Girl; so that she suppos’d Amy had manag’d it so well, as to put an End to it.

The innocent well-meaning Creature, my QUAKER, who was all Kindness, and Goodness, in herself, and particularly to me , saw nothing in this, but she thought Amy had found some Way to perswade her to be quiet and easie, and to give over teizing and following me, and rejoic’d in it, for my sake; as she thought nothing of any Evil herself, so she suspected none in any-body else, and was exceeding glad of having such good News to write to me: But my Thoughts of it run otherwise.

I was struck as with a Blast from Heaven, at the reading her Letter; I fell into a Fit of trembling, from Head to Foot; and I ran raving about the Room like a Mad-Woman; I had nobody to speak a Word to, to give Vent to my Passion; nor did I speak a Word for a good-while, till after it had almost overcome me: I threw myself on the Bed, and cry’d out, Lord be merciful to me, she has murther’d my Child ; and with that, a Flood of Tears burst out, and I cry’d vehemently for above an Hour.

My Husband was very happily gone out a-hunting, so that I had the Opportunity of being alone, and to give my Passions some Vent, by which I a little recover’d myself: But after my Crying was over, then I fell in a new Rage at Amy ; I call’d her a thousand Devils, and Monsters, and hard-hearted Tygers; I reproach’d her with her knowing that I abhorr’d it, and had let her know it sufficiently, in that I had, as it were , kick’d her out of Doors, after so many Years Friendship and Service, only for naming it to me.

Well, after some time my Spouse came in from his Sport, and I put on the best Looks I cou’d to deceive him; but he did not take so little Notice of me, as not to see I had been crying, and that something troubled me; and he press’d me to tell him; I seem’d to bring it out with Reluctance, but told him , My Backwardness was, more because I was asham’d that such a Trifle shou’d have any Effect upon me, than for any Weight that was in it: So I told him , I had been vexing myself about my Woman Amy’s not coming again; that she might have known me better, than not to believe I shou’d have been Friends with her again, and the like ; and that, in short , I had lost the best Servant by my Rashness, that ever Woman had.

Well, well, says he , if that be all your Grief, I hope you will soon shake it off; I’ll warrant you, in a little-while we shall hear of Mrs Amy again; and so it went off for that time: But it did not go off with me; for I was uneasie, and terrified to the last Degree, and wanted to get some farther Account of the thing: So I went away to my sure and certain Comforter, the QUAKER, and there I had the whole Story of it; and the good innocent QUAKER gave me Joy of my being rid of such an unsufferable Tormentor.

Rid of her! Ay, says I , if I was rid of her fairly and honourably; but I don’t know what Amy may have done; sure she ha’n’t made her away: O fie! says my QUAKER, how can’st thou entertain such a Notion? No, no , made her away! Amy didn’t talk like that; I dare say, thou may’st be easie in that, Amy has nothing of that in her Head, I dare say, says she ; and so threw it, as it were , out of my Thoughts.

But it wou’d not do; it run in my Head continually, Night and Day I cou’d think of nothing else; and it fix’d such a Horrour of the Fact upon my Spirits, and such a Destestation of Amy , who I look’d upon as the Murtherer, that, as for her , I believe, if I cou’d have seen her, I shou’d certainly have sent her to Newgate , or to a worse Place, upon Suspicion; indeed , I think I cou’d have kill’d her with my own Hands.

As for the poor Girl herself, she was ever before my Eyes; I saw her by-Night, and by-Day; she haunted my Imagination, if she did not haunt the House; my Fancy show’d her me in a hundred Shapes and Postures; sleeping or waking, she was with me: Sometimes I thought I saw her with her Throat cut; sometimes with her Head cut, and her Brains knock’d-out; other-times hang’d up upon a Beam; another time drown’d in the Great Pond at Camberwell : [377] the Great Pond at Camberwell : now disappeared. As late as 1820, however, there was a pond on the south-east corner of Camberwell Green. And all these Appearances were terrifying to the last Degree; and that which was still worse, I cou’d really hear nothing of her: I sent to the Captain’s Wife in Redriff, and she answer’d me , She was gone to her Relations in Spittle-Fields ; I sent thither, and they said , she was there about three Weeks ago; but that she went out in a Coach with the Gentlewoman that us’d to be so kind to her, but whither she was gone, they knew not; for she had not been there since. I sent back the Messenger for a Description of the Woman she went out with; and they describ’d her so perfectly, that I knew it to be Amy , and none but Amy .

I sent word again , That Mrs Amy , who she went out with, left her in two or three Hours; and that they shou’d search for her, for I had reason to fear she was Murther’d: This frighted them all intollerably; they beliv’d Amy had carry’d her to pay her a Sum of Money, and that somebody had watch’d her after her having receiv’d it, and had Robb’d and Murther’d her.

I believ’d nothing of that Part; but I believ’d as it was, That whatever was done, Amy had done it; and that, in short, Amy had made her away; and I believ’d it the more, because Amy came no more near me, but confirm’d her Guilt by her Absence.

Upon the whole, I mourn’d thus for her, for above a Month; but finding Amy still come not near me, and that I must put my Affairs in a Posture that I might go to Holland , I open’d all my Affairs to my dear trusty Friend, the QUAKER, and plac’d her, in Matters of Trust, in the room of Amy , and with a heavy, bleeding Heart for my poor Girl, I embark’d with my Spouse, and all our Equipage and Goods, on-board another Holland’s-Trader , not a Packet-Boat, and went over to Holland ; where I arriv’d as I have said.