Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

However, the next time she came to visit Amy , I was resolv’d to put it to a Tryal, and to come into the Room, and let her see me, and to see by that, whether she knew me or no; but Amy put me by, lest indeed, as there was reason enough to question, I shou’d not be able to contain, or forbear discovering myself to her; so it went off for that time.

But both these Circumstances, and that is the reason of mentioning them, brought me to consider of the Life I liv’d, and to resolve to put myself into some Figure of Life, in which I might not be scandalous to my own Family, and be afraid to make myself known to my own Children, who were my own Flesh and Blood.

There was another Daughter I had, which, with all our Enquiries we cou’d not hear-of, high nor low, for several Years after the first: But I return to my own Story.

Being now in part remov’d from my old Station, I seem’d to be in a fair Way of retiring from my old Acquaintances, and consequently from the vile abominable Trade I had driven so long; so that the Door seem’d to be, as it were, particularly open’d to my Reformation, if I had any-mind to it in earnest; but for all that, some of my old Friends, as I had us’d to call them, enquir’d me out, and came to visit me at Kensington , and that more frequently than I wish’d they would do; but it being once known where I was, there was no avoiding it, unless I wou’d have downright refus’d and affronted them; and I was not yet in Earnest enough with my Resolutions, to go that length.

The best of it was, my old lewd Favourite, who I now heartily hated, entirely dropp’d me; he came once to visit me, but I caus’d Amy to deny me, and say I was gone out; she did it so oddly too, that when his Lordship went away, he said coldly to her, Well, well, Mrs. Amy , I find your Mistress does not desire to be seen; tell her I won’t trouble her any-more , repeating the Words any-more two or three times over, just at his going away.

I reflected a little on it at first, as unkind to him, having had so many considerable Presents from him; but, as I have said , I was sick of him, and that on some Accounts, which, if I cou’d suffer myself to publish them, wou’d fully justifie my Conduct; but that Part of the Story will not bear telling; so I must leave it, and proceed.

I had begun a little, as I have said above , to reflect upon my Manner of Living, and to think of putting a new Face upon it; and nothing mov’d me to it more, than the Consideration of my having three Children, who were now grown up; and yet, that while I was in that Station of Life, I cou’d not converse with them, or make myself known to them; and this gave me a great-deal of Uneasiness; at last I enter’d into Talk on this Part of it, with my Woman, Amy .

We liv’d at Kensington, as I have said , and though I had done with my old wicked L—, as above, yet I was frequently visited, as I said , by some others, so that, in a word, I began to be known in the Town, not by my Name only, but by my Character too, which was worse.

It was one Morning when Amy was in-Bed with me, and I had some of my dullest Thoughts about me, that Amy hearing me sigh pretty often, ask’d me if I was not well? Yes, Amy , I am well enough, says I , but my Mind is oppress’d with heavy Thoughts, and has been so a good-while; and then I told her how it griev’d me that I cou’d not make myself known to my own Children, or form any Acquaintances in the World: Why so? says Amy ; Why prethee, Amy, says I , what will my Children say to themselves, and to one another, when they find their Mother, however rich she may be, is at best but a Whore, a common Whore? And as for Acquaintance, prethee Amy , what sober Lady, or what Family of any Character will visit or be acquainted with a Whore?

Why, all that’s true, Madam, says Amy ; but how can it be remedy’d now? ’Tis true Amy, said I , the thing cannot be remedy’d now, but the Scandal of it, I fancy, may be thrown off.

Truly, says Amy I do not see how, unless you will go Abroad again, and live in some other Nation, where nobody has known us, or seen us, so that they cannot say they ever saw us before.

That very Thought of Amy put what follows into my Head; and I return’d, Why Amy, says I , is it not possible for me to shift my Being, from this Part of the Town, and go and live in another Part of the City, or another Part of the Country, and be as entirely conceal’d as if I had never been known?

Yes, says Amy , I believe it might; but then you must put off all your Equipages, and Servants, Coaches, and Horses; change your Liveries, nay, your own Cloaths, and if it was possible, your very Face.

Well, says I , and that’s the way Amy , and that I’ll do, and that forthwith; for I am not able to live in this Manner any longer: Amy came into this with a kind of Pleasure particular to herself, that is to say, with an Eagerness not to be resisted; for Amy was apt to be precipitant in her Motions, and was for doing it immediately: Well, says I, Amy , as soon as you will, but what Course must we take to do it? we cannot put off Servants, and Coach and Horses, and every-thing; leave off House-keeping, and transform ourselves into a new Shape, all in a Moment; Servants must have Warning, and the Goods must be sold off, and a thousand things, and this began to perplex us, and in particular, took us up two or three Days Consideration.

At last, Amy , who was a clever Manager in such Cases, came to me with a Scheme, as she call’d it; I have found it out, Madam, says she ; I have found a Scheme how you shall, if you have a-mind to it, begin, and finish a perfect entire Change of your Figure and Circumstances, in one Day; and shall be as much unknown, Madam, in twenty-four Hours, as you wou’d be in so many Years.

Come Amy, says I , let us hear it, for you please me mightily with the Thoughts of it: Why then, says Amy , let me go into the City this Afternoon, and I’ll enquire out some honest, plain, sober Family, where I will take Lodgings for you, as for a Country-Gentlewoman that desires to be in London for about half a Year, and to Board yourself and a Kinswoman, that is half a Servant, half a Companion, meaning myself; and so agree with them by the Month.

To this Lodging (if I hit upon one to your Mind) you may go to-Morrow Morning, in a Hackney-Coach, with no-body but me, and leave such Cloaths and Linnen as you think fit; but to be sure, the plainest you have, and then you are remov’d at once, you need never so much as set your Foot in this House again, (meaning where we then were) or see any-body belonging to it; in the mean time I’ll let the Servants know, that you are going over to Holland upon extraordinary Business, and will leave off your Equipages, and so I’ll give them Warning, or, if they will accept of it, give them a Month’s Wages; then I’ll sell off your Furniture as well as I can; as to your Coach, it is but having it new-painted, and the Lining chang’d, and getting new Harness and Hammer-Cloths, [238] Hammer-Cloths : the cloth coverings of the driver’s seat. and you may keep it still, or dispose of it, as you think fit; and only take care to let this Lodging be in some remote Part of the Town, and you may be as perfectly unknown, as if you had never been in England in your Life.

This was Amy’s Scheme; and it pleas’d me so well, that I resolv’d not only to let her go, but was resolv’d to go with her myself; but Amy put me off of that, because, she said , she shou’d have Occasion to hurry up-and-down so long, that if I was with her, it wou’d rather hinder than farther her; so I wav’d it.