Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

But he put the Occasion into my Hands, for he came no more to me for two Months; indeed I expected a Fit of Absence, for such I had had several times before, but not for above a Fortnight or three-Weeks at most: But after I had staid a Month, which was longer than ever he kept away yet, I took a new Method with him, for I was resolv’d now it shou’d be in my Power to continue, or not, as I thought fit; at the end of a Month therefore, I remov’d, and took Lodgings at Kensington Gravel-Pitts , [232] Kensington Gravel-Pitts : Despite its name, a pleasant and fashionable village on the direct road to Uxbridge and Oxford (now the Bayswater Road), at the north-west corner of Kensington Palace Gardens. The gravel pits, from which it took its name, were near by. and that Part next to the Road to Acton , and left no-body in my Lodgings but Amy and a Footman; with proper Instructions how to behave, when his Lordship being come to himself, shou’d think fit to come again, which I knew he wou’d.

About the end of two Months, he came in the Dusk of the Evening, as usual; the Footman answer’d him, and told him, his Lady was not at-home, but there was Mrs. Amy above; so he did not order her to be call’d down, but went up-Stairs into the Dining-Room, and Mrs. Amy came to him; he ask’d where I was? My Lord, said she , my Mistress has been remov’d a good-while, from hence, and lives at Kensington : Ay, Mrs. Amy! how come you to be here then? My Lord, said she , we are here till the Quarter-Day, [233] Quarter-Day : one of the four days which by ancient custom mark off the quarters of the year, on which tenancies of houses usually end and rents are due. because the Goods are not remov’d, and to give Answers, if any comes to ask for my Lady: Well, and what Answer are you to give to me? Indeed, my Lord, says Amy , I have no particular Answer to your Lordship, but to tell you, and every-body else, where my Lady lives, that they may not think she’s run away: No, Mrs. Amy, says he , I don’t think she’s run away, but indeed, I can’t go after her so far as that; Amy said nothing to that, but made a Curtsie, and said, she believ’d I wou’d be there again for a Week or two, in a little time: How little time, Mrs. Amy? says my Lord : She comes next Tuesday , says Amy : Very well, says my Lord , I’ll call and see her then; and so he went away.

Accordingly I came on the Tuesday , and staid a Fortnight, but he came not; so I went back to Kensington , and after that, I had very few of his Lordship’s Visits, which I was very glad of, and in a little time after was more glad of it, than I was at first, and upon a far better Account too.

For now I began not to be sick of his Lordship only, but really I began to be sick of the Vice; and as I had good Leisure now to divert and enjoy myself in the World, as much as it was possible for any Woman to do, that ever liv’d in it; so I found that my Judgment began to prevail upon me to fix my Delight upon nobler Objects that I had formerly done; and the very beginning of this brought some just Reflections upon me, relating to things past, and to the former Manner of my living; and tho’ there was not the least Hint in all this, from what may be call’d Religion or Conscience, and far from any-thing of Repentance, or any-thing that was a-kin to it, especially at first; yet the Sence of things, and the Knowledge I had of the World, and the vast Variety of Scenes that I had acted my Part in, began to work upon my Sences, and it came so very strong upon my Mind one Morning, when I had been lying awake some time in my Bed, as if somebody had ask’d me the Question, What was I a Whore for now ? It occurr’d naturally upon this Enquiry, that at first I yielded to the Importunity of my Circumstances, the Misery of which, the Devil dismally aggravated, to draw me to comply; for I confess, I had strong Natural Aversions to the Crime at first, partly owing to a virtuous Education, and partly to a Sence of Religion; but the Devil, and that greater Devil of Poverty, prevail’d; and the Person who laid Siege to me, did it in such an obliging, and I may almost say, irresistible Manner, all still manag’d by the Evil Spirit; for I must be allow’d to believe, that he has a Share in all such things, if not the whole Management of them: But, I say, it was carried on by that Person, in such an irresistible Manner, that, (as I said when I related the Fact) there was no withstanding it: These Circumstances, I say, the Devil manag’d, not only to bring me to comply, but he continued them as Arguments to fortifie my Mind against all Reflection, and to keep me in that horrid Course I had engag’d in, as if it were honest and lawful.

But not to dwell upon that now; this was a Pretence, and here was something to be said, tho’ I acknowledge, it ought not to have been sufficient to me at all; but, I say, to leave that, all this was out of Doors; the Devil himself cou’d not form one Argument, or put one Reason into my Head now , that cou’d serve for an Answer, no, not so much as a pretended Answer to this Question, Why I shou’d be a Whore now ?

It had for a-while been a little kind of Excuse to me, that I was engag’d with this wicked old Lord, and that I cou’d not, in Honour, forsake him; but how foolish and absurd did it look, to repeat the Word Honour on so vile an Occasion? As if a Woman shou’d prostitute her Honour in Point of Honour; horrid Inconsistency; Honour call’d upon me to detest the Crime and the Man too, and to have resisted all the Attacks which from the beginning had been made upon my Virtue; and Honour, had it been consulted, wou’d have preserv’d me honest from the Beginning.

For HONESTY and HONOUR, are the same. [234] For HONESTY and HONOUR, are the same : Defoe, The Character of the late Dr Samuel Annesley (1697), in A True Collection of the Writings of the Author of The True-Born English man (1703), p. 113.

This, however, shews us with what faint Excuses, and with what Trifles we pretend to satisfie ourselves, and suppress the Attempts of Conscience in the Pursuit of agreeable Crime, and in the possessing those Pleasures which we are loth to part with.

But this objection wou’d now serve no longer; for my Lord had, in some sort, broke his Engagements ( I won’t call it Honour again ) with me, and had so far slighted me, as fairly to justine my entire quitting of him now; and so, as the Objection was fully answer’d, the Question remain’d still unanswer’d, Why am I a Whore now ? Nor indeed, had I any-thing to say for myself, even to myself , I cou’d not without blushing, as wicked as I was, answer, that I lov’d it for the sake of the Vice, and that I delighted in being a Whore, as such ; I say, I cou’d not say this, even to myself, and all alone , nor indeed, wou’d it have been true; I was never able in Justice, and with Truth, to say I was so wicked as that; but as Necessity first debauch’d me, and Poverty made me a Whore at the Beginning; so excess of Avarice for getting Money, and excess of Vanity, continued me in the Crime, not being able to resist the Flatteries of Great Persons; being call’d the finest Woman in France ; being caress’d by a Prince; and afterwards I had Pride enough to expect, and Folly enough to believe, tho’ indeed, without ground, by a Great Monarch: These were my Baits, these the Chains by which the Devil held me bound; and by which I was indeed, too fast held for any Reasoning that I was then Mistress of, to deliver me from.

But this was all over now; Avarice cou’d have no Pretence; I was out of the reach of all that Fate could be suppos’d to do to reduce me; now I was so far from Poor, or the Danger of it, that I had fifty Thousand Pounds in my Pocket at least; nay, I had the Income of fifty Thousand Pounds; for I had 2500 l . a Year coming in, upon very good Land-Security, besides 3 or 4000 l . in Money, which I kept by me for ordinary Occasions, and besides Jewels and Plate, and Goods, which were worth near 5600 l . more; these put together, when I ruminated on it all in my Thoughts, as you may be sure I did often, added Weight still to the Question, as above, and it sounded continually in my Head, what’s next? What am I a Whore for now ?