Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

It is true, this was, as I say, seldom out of my Thoughts, but yet it made no Impressions upon me of that Kind which might be expected from a Reflection of so important a Nature, and which had so much of Substance and Seriousness in it.

But however, it was not without some little Consequences, even at that time, and which gave a little Turn to my Way of Living at first, as you shall hear in its Place.

But one particular thing interven’d besides this, which gave me some Uneasiness at this time, and made way for other things that follow’d: I have mention’d in several little Digressions, the Concern I had upon me for my Children, and in what Manner I had directed that Affair; I must go on a little with that Part, in order to bring the subsequent Parts of my Story together.

My Boy, the only Son I had left, that I had a legal Right to call Son, was, as I have said , rescued from the unhappy Circumstances of being Apprentice to a Mechanick, [235] Mechanick : a manual labourer. and was brought-up upon a new foot; but tho’ this was infinitely to his Advantage, yet it put him back near three Years in his coming into the World, for he had been near a Year at the Drudgery he was first put to, and it took up two Year more to form him for what he had Hopes given him he shou’d hereafter be, so that he was full 19 Years old, or rather 20 Years, before he came to be put-out [236] put-out : apprenticed. as I intended; at the end of which time, I put him to a very flourishing Italian Merchant, and he again sent him to Messina , in the Island of Sicily ; and a little before the Juncture I am now speaking of, I had Letters from him, that is to say, Mrs. Amy had Letters from him, intimating, that he was out of his Time, [237] was out of his Time : had served his apprenticeship. and that he had an Opportunity to be taken into an English House there, on very good Terms, if his Support from hence might answer what he was bid to hope for; and so begg’d, that what wou’d be done for him, might be so order’d, that he might have it for his present Advancement, referring for the Particulars to his Master, the Merchant in London , who he had been put Apprentice to here; who, to cut the Story short, gave such a satisfactory Account of it, and of my Young-Man, to my steddy and faithful Counsellor, Sir Robert Clayton , that I made no Scruple to pay 4000 I . which was 1000 l . more than he demanded, or rather propos’d, that he might have Encouragement to enter into the World better than he expected.

His Master remitted the Money very faithfully to him, and finding by Sir Robert Clayton , that the young Gentleman, for so he call’d him, was well supported, wrote such Letters on his Account, as gave him a Credit at Messina , equal in Value to the Money itself.

I cou’d not digest it very well, that I shou’d all this while conceal myself thus from my own Child, and make all this Favour due, in his Opinion, to a Stranger; and yet I cou’d not find in my Heart to let my Son know what a Mother he had, and what a Life she liv’d; when at the same time that he must think himself infinitely oblig’d to me, he must be oblig’d, if he was a Man of Virtue, to hate his Mother, and abhor the Way of Living, by which all the Bounty he enjoy’d, was rais’d.

This is the Reason of mentioning this Part of my Son’s Story, which is otherwise no ways concern’d in my History, but as it put me upon thinking how to put an End to that wicked Course I was in, that my own Child, when he shou’d afterwards come to England in a good Figure, and with the Appearance of a Merchant, shou’d not be asham’d to own me.

But there was another Difficulty, which lay heavier upon me a great-deal, and that was, my Daughter; who, as before, I had reliev’d by the Hands of another Instrument, which Amy had procur’d: The Girl, as I have mention’d, was directed to put herself into a good Garb, take Lodgings, and entertain a Maid to wait upon her, and to give herself some Breeding, that is to say, to learn to Dance, and fit herself to appear as a Gentlewoman; being made to hope, that she shou’d, sometime or other, find that she shou’d be put into a Condition to support her Character, and to make herself amends for all her former Troubles; she was only charg’d not to be drawn into Matrimony, till she was secur’d of a Fortune that might assist to dispose of herself suitable not to what she then was, but what she was to be.

The Girl was too sensible of her Circumstances, not to give all possible Satisfaction of that Kind, and indeed, she was Mistress of too much Understanding, not to see how much she shou’d be oblig’d to that Part, for her own Interest.

It was not long after this, but being well equipp’d, and in every-thing well set-out, as she was directed, she came, as I have related above, and paid a Visit to Mrs. Amy , and to tell her of her good Fortune: Amy pretended to be much surpriz’d at the Alteration, and overjoy’d for her sake, and began to treat her very well, entertain’d her handsomely, and when she wou’d have gone away, pretended to ask my Leave, and sent my Coach home with her; and in short, learning from her where she lodg’d, which was in the City, Amy promis’d to return her Visit, and did so; and in a word, Amy and SUSAN, (for she was my own Name) began an intimate Acquaintance together.

There was an inexpressible Difficulty in the poor Girl’s way, or else I shou’d not have been able to have forborn discovering myself to her, and this was, her having been a Servant in my particular Family; and I cou’d by no means think of ever letting the Children know what a kind of Creature they ow’d their Being to, or given them an Occasion to upbraid their Mother with her scandalous Life, much less to justine the like Practice from my Example.

Thus it was with me; and thus, no doubt, considering Parents always find it, that their own Children are a Restraint to them in their worst Courses, when the Sence of a Superiour Power has not the same Influence: But of that hereafter .

There happen’d however, one good Circumstance in the Case of this poor Girl, which brought about a Discovery sooner than otherwise it wou’d have been; and it was thus: After she and Amy had been intimate for some time, and had exchang’d several Visits, the Girl now grown a Woman, talking to Amy of the gay things that us’d to fall-out when she was Servant in my Family, spoke of it with a kind of Concern, that she cou’d not see [me] her Lady; and at last she adds, ’twas very strange : Madam, says she to Amy, but tho’ I liv’d near two Years in the House, I never saw my Mistress in my Life, except it was that publick Night when she danc’d in the fine Turkish Habit, and then she was so disguis’d, that I knew nothing of her afterwards.

Amy was glad to hear this; but as she was a cunning Girl from the beginning, she was not to be Bit, and so she laid no Stress upon that, at first, but gave me an Account of it; and, I must confess, it gave me a secret Joy, to think that I was not known to her; and that, by virtue of that only Accident, I might, when other Circumstances made room for it, discover myself to her, and let her know she had a Mother in a Condition fit to be own’d.

It was a dreadful Restraint to me before, and this gave me some very sad Reflections, and made way for the great Question I have mention’d above; and by how much the Circumstance was bitter to me, by so much the more agreeable it was, to understand that the Girl had never seen me, and consequently, did not know me again, if she was to be told who I was.