Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

I had Terror upon me for my wicked Life past, and firmly believe’d I was going to the Bottom, launching into Death, where I was to give an Account of all my past Actions; and in this State, and on that Account, I look’d back upon my Wickedness with Abhorrence, as I have said above; but I had no Sence of Repentance, from the true Motive of Repentance; I saw nothing of the Corruption of Nature, the Sin of my Life, as an Offence against God; as a thing odious to the Holiness of his Being; as abusing his Mercy, and despising his Goodness; in short, I had no thorow effectual Repentance; no Sight of my Sins in their proper Shape; no View of a Redeemer, or Hope in him: I had only such a Repentance as a Criminal has at the Place of Execution, who is sorry, not that he has committed the Crime, as it is a Crime, but sorry that he is to be Hang’d for it .

It is true, Amy’s Repentence wore off too, as well as mine, but not so soon; however, we were both very grave for a time.

As soon as we could get a Boat from the Town, we went on Shore, and immediately went to a Publick-House in the Town of Harwich ; where we were to consider seriously, what was to be done, and whether we should go up to London , or stay till the Ship was refitted, which, they said, would be Fortnight, and then go for Holland , as we intended, and as Business requir’d.

Reason directed that I shou’d go to Holland , for there I had all my Money to receive, and there I had Persons of good Reputation and Character, to apply to, having Letters to them from the honest Dutch Merchant at Paris , and they might, perhaps, give me a Recommendation again, to Merchants in London , and so I should get Aquaintance with some People of Figure, which was what I lov’d; whereas now I knew not one Creature in the whole City of London , or any-where else, that I cou’d go and make myself known to: Upon these Considerations, I resolv’d to go to Holland , whatever came on it.

But Amy cry’d and trembled, and was ready to fall into Fits, when I did but mention going upon the Sea again, and begg’d of me, not to go, or if I wou’d go, that I wou’d leave her behind, tho’ I was to send her a-begging; the People in the Inn laugh’d at her, and jested with her; ask’d her, if she had any Sins to confess, that she was asham’d shou’d be heard of? and that she was troubled with an evil Conscience; told her, if she came to Sea, and to be in a Storm, if she had lain with her Master, she wou’d certainly tell her Mistress of it; and that it was a common thing, for poor Maids to confess all the Young-Men they had lain with; that there was one poor Girl that went over with her Mistress, whose Husband was a —r, in —, in the City of London , who confess’d, in the Terror of a Storm, that she had lain with her Master, and all the Apprentices so often, and in such and such Places, and made the poor Mistress, when she return’d to London , fly at her Husband, and make such a Stir, as was indeed, the Ruin of the whole Family: Amy cou’d bear all that well enough; for tho’ she had indeed, lain with her Master, it was with her Mistress’s Knowledge and Consent, and which was worse, was her Mistress’s own doing; I record it to the Reproach of my own Vice , and to expose the Excesses of such Wickedness, as they deserve to be expos’d.

I thought Amy’s Fear would have been over by that time the Ship would be gotten ready, but I found the Girl was rather worse and worse; and when I came to the Point, that we must go on Board, or lose the Passage, Amy was so terrified, that she fell into Fits, so the Ship went away without us.

But my going being absolutely necessary, as above, I was oblig’d to go in the Packet-Boat some time after, and leave Amy behind, at Harwich , but with Directions to go to London , and stay there, to receive Letters and Orders from me what to do: Now I was become, from a Lady of Pleasure, a Woman of Business, and of great Business too, I assure you.

I got me a Servant at Harwich , to go over with me, who had been at Rotterdam , knew the Place, and spoke the Language, which was a great Help to me, and away I went; I had a very quick Passage, and pleasant Weather, and coming to Rotterdam , soon found out the Merchant to whom I was recommended, who receiv’d me with extraordinary Respect; and first he acknowledg’d the accepted Bill for 4000 Pistoles, which he afterwards paid punctually; other Bills that I had also payable at Amsterdam , he procur’d to be receiv’d for me; and whereas one of the Bills for a Thousand two Hundred Crowns, [150] 4000 Pistoles…a Thousand two Hundred Crowns : £3,400… £276. was protested [151] protested : see note 42. at Amsterdam , he paid it me himself, for the Honour of the Endorser, as he called it, which was my Friend, the Merchant at Paris .

There I enter’d into a Negociation, by his Means, for my Jewels, and he brought me several Jewellers, to look on them, and particularly, one to Value them, and to tell me what every Particular was worth: This was a Man who had great Skill in Jewels, but did not Trade at that time; and he was desir’d by the Gentleman that I was with, to see that I might not be impos’d upon.

All this Work took me up near half a Year, and by managing my Business thus myself, and having large Sums to do with, I became as expert in it, as any She-Merchant of them all; I had Credit in the Bank for a large Sum of Money, and Bills and Notes for much more.

After I had been here about three Months, my Maid Amy writes me word, that she had receiv’d a Letter from her Friend, as she call’d him, that, by the way , was the Prince’s Gentleman, that had been Amy’s extraordinary Friend indeed; for Amy own’d to me, he had lain with her a hundred times; that is to say, as often as he pleas’d; and perhaps, in the eight Year which that Affair lasted, it might be a great deal oftner: This was what she call’d her Friend, who she corresponded with upon this particular Subject; and among other things, sent her this particular News, that my extraordinary Friend, my real Husband, who rode in the Gensd’arms , was dead; that he was kill’d in a Rencounter, as they call it, or accidental Scuffle among the Troopers; and so the Jade congratulated me upon my being now a real Free-Woman; and now, Madam, says she, at the End of her Letter , you have nothing to do but to come hither, and set up a Coach, and a good Equipage; and if Beauty and a good Fortune won’t make you a Dutchess, nothing will; but I had not fix’d my Measures yet ; I had no Inclination to be a Wife again, I had had such bad Luck with my first Husband, I hated the Thoughts of it; I found, that a Wife is treated with Indifference, a Mistress with a strong Passion; a Wife is look’d upon, as but an Upper-Servant, [152] an Upper-Servant : an unmarried woman enjoyed essentially the same legal rights as a man, but upon marriage she lost those rights, including control over any money she might bring to the marriage. Defoe complains of the treatment of women by their husbands in Conjugal Lewdness (1727): ‘I don’t take the State of Matrimony to be designed as that of Apprentices who are bound to the Family, and that the Wife is to be us’d only as the upper Servant in the House’ (p. 26). a Mistress is a Sovereign; a Wife must give up all she has; have every Reserve she makes for herself, be thought hard of, and be upbraided with her very Pin-Money ; [153] Pin-Money : An amount of money, often stipulated in the marriage contract, given regularly by a husband to his wife for her private expenses. In The Spectator , No. 295 (7 February 1712), Addison complains that pin-money is a recent innovation that should not be allowed to spread. whereas a Mistress makes the Saying true, that what the Man has , is hers, and what she has , is her own; the Wife bears a thousand Insults, and is forc’d to sit still and bear it, or part and be undone; a Mistress insulted, helps herself immediately, and takes another.