Даниэль Дефо - Roxana

When she recover’d more fully, she ask’d me where she was? I told her, she was in the Ship yet, but God knows how long it might be; Why, Madam, says she , is not the Storm over? No, no , says I, Amy; why, Madam , says she, it was calm just now , (meaning when she was in the swooning Fit, occasion’d by her Fall); Calm Amy, says I, ’tis far from calm; it may be it will be calm by-and-by, when we all [are] drown’d, and gone to HEAVEN

HEAVEN! Madam, says she , what makes you talk so? HEAVEN! I go to HEAVEN! No, no , If I am drown’d, I am damn’d! Don’t you know what a wicked Creature I have been ? I have been a Whore to two Men, and have liv’d a wretched abominable Life of Vice and Wickedness for fourteen Years; O Madam, you know it , and GOD knows it; and now I am to die; to be drown’d ; O ! what will become of me? I am undone for Ever! ay, Madam, for Ever! to all Eternity! O I am lost! I am lost! If I am drown’d, I am lost for Ever!

All these, you will easily suppose, must be so many Stabs into the very Soul of one in my own Case; it immediately occur’d to me, Poor Amy! what art thou, that I am not ? what hast thou been, that I have not been? Nay, I am guilty of my own Sin, and thine too: Then it came to my Remembrance, that I had not only been the same with Amy , but that I had been the Devil’s Instrument, to make her wicked; that I had stripp’d her, and prostituted her to the very Man that I had been Naught [148] Naught : naughty, wicked. with myself; that she had but follow’d me; I had been her wicked Example; and I had led her into all; and that as we had sinn’d together, now we were likely to sink together.

All this repeated itself to my Thoughts at that very Moment; and every one of Amy’s Cries sounded thus in my Ears: I am the wicked Cause of it all; I have been thy Ruin, Amy ; I have brought thee to this, and now thou art to suffer for the Sin I have entic’d thee to; and if thou art lost for ever, what must I be ? what must be my Portion?

It is true, this Difference was between us, that I said all these things within myself, and sigh’d, and mourn’d inwardly; but Amy , as her Temper was more violent, spoke aloud, and cry’d, and call’d out aloud, like one in an Agony.

I had but small Encouragement to give her, and indeed, cou’d say but very little; but I got her to compose herself a little, and not let any of the People of the Ship understand what she meant, or what she said; but even in her greatest Composure, she continued to express herself with the utmost Dread and Terror, on account of the wicked Life she had liv’d; and crying out, she shou’d be damn’d, and the like; which was very terrible to me, who knew what Condition I was in myself.

Upon these serious Considerations, I was very Penitent too, for my former Sins; and cry’d out, tho’ softly , two or three times, Lord have Mercy upon me ; to this, I added abundance of Resolutions, of what a Life I wou’d live, if it should please God but to spare my Life but this one time; how I would live a single and a virtuous Life, and spend a great deal of what I had thus wickedly got, in Acts of Charity, and doing Good.

Under these dreadful Apprehensions, I look’d back on the Life I had led, with the utmost Contempt and Abhorrence; I blush’d, and wonder’d at myself, how I cou’d act thus; how I cou’d divest myself of Modesty and Honour, and prostitute myself for Gain; and I thought, if ever it shou’d please God to spare me this one time from Death, it wou’d not be possible that I should be the same Creature again.

Amy went farther; she pray’d, she resolv’d, she vow’d to lead a new Life, if God wou’d spare her but this time: It now began to be Day-light, for the Storm held all Nightlong, and it was some Comfort to see the Light of another Day, which indeed, none of us expected; but the Sea went Mountains high, and the Noise of the Water was as frightful to us, as the Sight of the Waves; nor was any Land to be seen; nor did the Seamen know whereabout they were; at last, to our great Joy, they made Land, which was in England , and on the Coast of Suffolk ; and the Ship being in the utmost Distress, they ran for the Shore, at all Hazards, and with great Difficulty, got into Harwich , where they were safe, as to the Danger of Death; but the Ship was so full of Water, and so much damag’d, that if they had not laid her on Shore the same Day, she wou’d have sunk before Night, according to the Opinion of the Seamen, and of the Workmen on Shore too, who were hir’d to assist them in stopping their Leaks.

Amy was reviv’d as soon as she heard they had espy’d Land, and went out upon the Deck, but she soon came in again to me, O Madam ; says she, there’s the Land indeed, to be seen, it looks like a Ridge of Clouds, and may be all a Cloud, for ought I know, but if it be Land, ’tis a great Way off; and the Sea is in such a Combustion, we shall all perish before we can reach it; ’tis the dreadfulltst Sight, to look at the Waves, that ever was seen ; why, they are as high as Mountains; we shall certainly be all swallow’d up, for-all the Land is so near .

I had conceiv’d some Hope, that if they saw Land, we should be deliver’d; and I told her, she did not understand things of that Nature; that she might be sure, if they saw Land, they would go directly towards it, and wou’d make into some Harbour; but it was, as Amy said, a frightful Distance to it: The Land look’d like Clouds, and the Sea went as high as Mountains, so that no Hope appear’d in the seeing the Land; but we were in fear of foundring, before we cou’d reach it; this made Amy so desponding still; but as the Wind, which blew from the East , or that Way, drove us furiously towards the Land; so when, about half an Hour after, I stept to the Steerage-Door, and look’d-out, I saw the Land much nearer than Amy represented it; so I went in, and encourag’d Amy again, and indeed, was encourag’d myself.

In about an Hour, or something more, we see, to our infinite Satisfaction, the open Harbour of Harwich , and the Vessel standing directly towards it, and in a few Minutes more, the Ship was in smooth Water, to our inexpressible Comfort; and thus I had, tho’ against my Will, and contrary to my true Interest, what I wish’d for, to be driven away to England , tho’ it was by a Storm.

Nor did this Incident do either Amy or me much Service; for the Danger being over, the Fears of Death vanish’d with it; ay, and our Fear of what was beyond Death also; our Sence of the Life we had liv’d, went off, and with our return to Life, our wicked Taste of Life return’d, and we were both the same as before, if not worse: So certain is it, that the Repentance which is brought about by the meer Apprehensions of Death, wears off as those Apprehensions wear off; and Death-bed Repentance, or Storm-Repentence, which is much the same, is seldom true.

However, I do not tell you, that this was all at once, neither; the Fright we had at Sea lasted a little while afterwards, at least, the Impression was not quite blown off, as soon as the Storm; expecially poor Amy , as soon as she set her Foot on Shore, she fell flat upon the Ground, and kiss’d it, and gave God thanks for her Deliverance from the Sea; and turning to me when she got up, I hope, Madam, says she , you will never go upon the Sea again.

I know not what ail’d me, not I; but Amy was much more penitent at Sea, and much more sensible of her Deliverance when she Landed, and was safe, than I was; I was in a kind of Stupidity, [149] Stupidity : stupor, depression. I know not well what to call it; I had a Mind full of Horrour in the time of the Storm, and saw Death before me, as plainly as Amy , but my Thoughts got no Vent, as Amy’s did; I had a silent sullen kind of Grief, which cou’d not break out either in Words or Tears, and which was, therefore, much the worse to bear.