Charles Dickens - Sketches by Boz

“Mr. Overton!” exclaimed Mr. Alexander Trott, jumping up in a frenzy. “Look at this man, sir; consider the situation in which I have been placed for three hours past—the person you sent to guard me, sir, was a madman—a madman—a raging, ravaging, furious madman.”

“Bravo!” whispered Mr. Overton.

“Poor dear!” said the compassionate Mrs. Williamson, “mad people always thinks other people's mad.”

“Poor dear!” ejaculated Mr. Alexander Trott. “What the devil do you mean by poor dear! Are you the landlady of this house?”

“Yes, yes,” replied the stout old lady, “don't exert yourself, there's a dear! Consider your health, now; do.”

“Exert myself!” shouted Mr. Alexander Trott; “it's a mercy, ma'am, that I have any breath to exert myself with! I might have been assassinated three hours ago by that one-eyed monster with the oakum head. How dare you have a madman, ma'am—how dare you have a madman, to assault and terrify the visitors to your house?”

“I'll never have another,” said Mrs. Williamson, casting a look of reproach at the mayor.

“Capital, capital,” whispered Overton again, as he enveloped Mr. Alexander Trott in a thick travelling-cloak.

“Capital, sir!” exclaimed Trott, aloud; “it's horrible. The very recollection makes me shudder. I'd rather fight four duels in three hours, if I survived the first three, than I'd sit for that time face to face with a madman.”

“Keep it up, my lord, as you go down-stairs,” whispered Overton, “your bill is paid, and your portmanteau in the chaise.” And then he added aloud, “Now, waiters, the gentleman's ready.”

At this signal, the waiters crowded round Mr. Alexander Trott. One took one arm; another, the other; a third, walked before with a candle; the fourth, behind with another candle; the boots and Mrs. Williamson brought up the rear; and down-stairs they went: Mr. Alexander Trott expressing alternately at the very top of his voice either his feigned reluctance to go, or his unfeigned indignation at being shut up with a madman.

Mr. Overton was waiting at the chaise-door, the boys were ready mounted, and a few ostlers and stable nondescripts were standing round to witness the departure of “the mad gentleman.” Mr. Alexander Trott's foot was on the step, when he observed (which the dim light had prevented his doing before) a figure seated in the chaise, closely muffled up in a cloak like his own.

“Who's that?” he inquired of Overton, in a whisper.

“Hush, hush,” replied the mayor: “the other party of course.”

“The other party!” exclaimed Trott, with an effort to retreat.

“Yes, yes; you'll soon find that out, before you go far, I should think—but make a noise, you'll excite suspicion if you whisper to me so much.”

“I won't go in this chaise!” shouted Mr. Alexander Trott, all his original fears recurring with tenfold violence. “I shall be assassinated—I shall be—”

“Bravo, bravo,” whispered Overton. “I'll push you in.”

“But I won't go,” exclaimed Mr. Trott. “Help here, help! They're carrying me away against my will. This is a plot to murder me.”

“Poor dear!” said Mrs. Williamson again.

“Now, boys, put “em along,” cried the mayor, pushing Trott in and slamming the door. “Off with you, as quick as you can, and stop for nothing till you come to the next stage—all right!”

“Horses are paid, Tom,” screamed Mrs. Williamson; and away went the chaise, at the rate of fourteen miles an hour, with Mr. Alexander Trott and Miss Julia Manners carefully shut up in the inside.

Mr. Alexander Trott remained coiled up in one corner of the chaise, and his mysterious companion in the other, for the first two or three miles; Mr. Trott edging more and more into his corner, as he felt his companion gradually edging more and more from hers; and vainly endeavouring in the darkness to catch a glimpse of the furious face of the supposed Horace Hunter.

“We may speak now,” said his fellow-traveller, at length; “the post-boys can neither see nor hear us.”

“That's not Hunter's voice!”—thought Alexander, astonished.

“Dear Lord Peter!” said Miss Julia, most winningly: putting her arm on Mr. Trott's shoulder. “Dear Lord Peter. Not a word?”

“Why, it's a woman!” exclaimed Mr. Trott, in a low tone of excessive wonder.

“Ah! Whose voice is that?” said Julia; “'tis not Lord Peter's.”

“No,—it's mine,” replied Mr. Trott.

“Yours!” ejaculated Miss Julia Manners; “a strange man! Gracious heaven! How came you here!”

“Whoever you are, you might have known that I came against my will, ma'am,” replied Alexander, “for I made noise enough when I got in.”

“Do you come from Lord Peter?” inquired Miss Manners.

“Confound Lord Peter,” replied Trott pettishly. “I don't know any Lord Peter. I never heard of him before to-night, when I've been Lord Peter'd by one and Lord Peter'd by another, till I verily believe I'm mad, or dreaming—”

“Whither are we going?” inquired the lady tragically.

“How should I know, ma'am?” replied Trott with singular coolness; for the events of the evening had completely hardened him.

“Stop stop!” cried the lady, letting down the front glasses of the chaise.

“Stay, my dear ma'am!” said Mr. Trott, pulling the glasses up again with one hand, and gently squeezing Miss Julia's waist with the other. “There is some mistake here; give me till the end of this stage to explain my share of it. We must go so far; you cannot be set down here alone, at this hour of the night.”

The lady consented; the mistake was mutually explained. Mr. Trott was a young man, had highly promising whiskers, an undeniable tailor, and an insinuating address—he wanted nothing but valour, and who wants that with three thousand a-year? The lady had this, and more; she wanted a young husband, and the only course open to Mr. Trott to retrieve his disgrace was a rich wife. So, they came to the conclusion that it would be a pity to have all this trouble and expense for nothing; and that as they were so far on the road already, they had better go to Gretna Green, and marry each other; and they did so. And the very next preceding entry in the Blacksmith's book, was an entry of the marriage of Emily Brown with Horace Hunter. Mr. Hunter took his wife home, and begged pardon, and WAS pardoned; and Mr. Trott took HIS wife home, begged pardon too, and was pardoned also. And Lord Peter, who had been detained beyond his time by drinking champagne and riding a steeple-chase, went back to the Honourable Augustus Flair's, and drank more champagne, and rode another steeple-chase, and was thrown and killed. And Horace Hunter took great credit to himself for practising on the cowardice of Alexander Trott; and all these circumstances were discovered in time, and carefully noted down; and if you ever stop a week at the Winglebury Arms, they will give you just this account of The Great Winglebury Duel.

Most extensive were the preparations at Rose Villa, Clapham Rise, in the occupation of Mr. Gattleton (a stock-broker in especially comfortable circumstances), and great was the anxiety of Mr. Gattleton's interesting family, as the day fixed for the representation of the Private Play which had been “many months in preparation,” approached. The whole family was infected with the mania for Private Theatricals; the house, usually so clean and tidy, was, to use Mr. Gattleton's expressive description, “regularly turned out o” windows;” the large dining-room, dismantled of its furniture, and ornaments, presented a strange jumble of flats, flies, wings, lamps, bridges, clouds, thunder and lightning, festoons and flowers, daggers and foil, and various other messes in theatrical slang included under the comprehensive name of “properties.” The bedrooms were crowded with scenery, the kitchen was occupied by carpenters. Rehearsals took place every other night in the drawing-room, and every sofa in the house was more or less damaged by the perseverance and spirit with which Mr. Sempronius Gattleton, and Miss Lucina, rehearsed the smothering scene in “Othello”—it having been determined that that tragedy should form the first portion of the evening's entertainments.