Sait Abasiyanik - A Useless Man

I stopped for a minute. Or what I mean to say is, I couldn’t go on. We both kept walking. First she seemed about to turn around and look at me. I couldn’t see her face. But I sensed she was smiling and that she had suddenly made the decision not to turn around. I slowed down a little. The rain was pelting down now. I started again:

“I just threw together what I was going to say. But now I can’t remember anything, and since you’re not turning around I’ll say whatever comes to mind. It’s like this: I love a girl. She looks like you, or maybe not. But that’s not the point. She doesn’t love me at all. But that’s not the point either. Who could I find to talk to in this rain? Who would listen? Everyone’s buried in their papers, or drinking rakı at a table with friends. Everyone has something to say. But who’ll sit and listen to me? And if someone did, I’d only feel ashamed the next day after having confessed everything. But I could tell you everything: how I love her and how she doesn’t love me. You’ll never see my face. We wouldn’t even recognize each other if we met again. You’re the most beautiful friend this rain could have given me. Now I’m not even thinking of my lover. Your friendship is enough. But don’t take this as a declaration of love! No! I’m just telling you how I feel. But then again, I don’t want you to think you aren’t worthy of someone’s love. You’re more beautiful than she is, more beautiful than the rain. Pretending to listen to me like this is true friendship and devotion.

“You know the kind of man who follows women around and tries to chat them up. It just doesn’t work — well, sometimes, perhaps. But not for me. I’m not a man like that. I’ve never done such a thing in my life. Maybe ten years from now, on another rainy day, I’ll have four or five glasses of beer, and I’ll make the same mistake.”

She slowed down, and seemed confused. I felt even more self-conscious.

“Sweet mademoiselle, you should forgive even a man who follows a woman around. He has something to say, or maybe, like me, he has nothing to say; he has followed a strange and beautiful creature only to say that he has nothing to say. That’s what I have to say, little mademoiselle!” And here I threw in a line right from Baudelaire, “ ‘The world is beautiful despite it all.’ Oh what beautiful rain! Oh what a beautiful lover! The pain of her not loving me smarts. But it smacks of something special. Drunkenness rattles you, makes you feel alive. What beautiful rain. Oh, it’s icy cold! And you’re so beautiful: this tender girl who listened to me in the rain. I love you as much as I love her. What a world!”

Then in Turkish:

“Damn, what a world!”

Suddenly she quickened her step, and, in front of an apartment building in Taksim, she raised her hand and waved without turning her head. And, slipping through the front door, she was gone.

I was as happy as a child shaking a tambourine for the first time.

For the past half an hour I’ve heard nothing but the buzz of a fly. Oh, but the dolphins are passing by. Oh! If nothing else, the dolphins are passing by …

I am there as I write these lines. But when was it? I should have explained this before, before painting the landscape …

It came to mind only after I had penned the first sentence. It was four in the afternoon — before me sit Yassı and Sivri. If I were a little younger, if a dear friend had turned to me and said, “Come on, let’s swim across,” I’d have jumped into the water without a second thought — the islands are that close. I’m sitting on a rock, tickled by the chill of the sea. I’m so close. Just a little stretch and I’d be touching the water with my foot. There is a thin and sparkling line traveling toward me from the shores of Yassı to a point just 300 meters ahead (more or less). The sun hangs directly over it. I watch it race toward its end point; I watch it slowly burning away in the open space.

I was about to choose the word “tract” for “open space.” But I could never figure out just where to use it. The poor word! Why should I blame you? It’s not your fault. My wretched poems are still in my mind:

The tract, ah the tract

I will look into the tract

The colored cataract in your eyes

Will you die for it? Kill for it?

Rocks are all around me. I spy a fledgling seagull — the young ones have dark feathers and dark beaks. He trundles past with purpose in his stride. He knows what’s for dinner, but still he’s as mournful as a civil servant coming home from work. A fly is swirling around me. What are flies doing on this part of the island? Can’t they find the way to that dirty butcher in the little village down the road from here? Only today he jacked up his price of his meat to one hundred seventy-five kuruş …

Beyond the bright line of light I told you about is a dark blue line. It can take you as far as the Bozburun Peninsula. My big toe is pointing right at it.

Once a painter — a friend of mine — gave us a short lesson, and while we were painting he said, “First you need to paint the landscape, and then you add the extra details.” But in a story — as we prepare to paint the landscape … ah, there goes a rowboat — it just doesn’t work. There are two people inside that boat. I can’t tell who they are. They’re speaking Greek. “Ah, that’s Sait,” one says. My dog is with me. What a pain! He never leaves me alone, follows me everywhere. He’s on a rock a little farther along. They must have realized it was me when they saw him.

The weather on Bozburun looks much the same, only a little heavier, a little darker. The hills rise slowly into the sky. Sometimes I can just dimly make out a bare strip of land, or maybe a little smoke or a field of vegetables. The sea is darker here, but I wouldn’t say it was windier because there’s no wind today, just a little nip in the air. The piece of land that stretches to the tip of the rock ahead of me turns a little darker, like the darkening air above it; with the sudden swiftness of lace it disappears. On the stretch of sea that meets the land, two white sailboats — one fading into the blackness, and the other a little closer — but now they slip behind the rocks and are gone. And now they are back. They’re tacking back and forth in ten-meter swerves off the rocks on the shore. Further along, another small hill. Two dark green pine trees with tiny emerald pine cones as fragile as little toys. To my left, a sliver of the moon. Lighting up the face of the moon in a way that makes me wonder if I’m still in this world. So bright that when I take off my glasses it almost snuffs me out. “Now what will happen if we add all this to our scene,” I wonder. On my right, I can see smoke over Sivriada two knots out — to use a captain’s lingo. I stand up to watch a ferryboat pass, because a rock has blocked the view. But what does this mean for us? For you it means nothing at all. For me, it’s the same.

Nothing’s beautiful without people. It’s people who bring beauty into a landscape. But as I sit inside this moment, this beautiful September day, with the moon in the sky and the sun shimmering in the distance, like a crystal garden … there’s no beauty. Just a void. It’s just a landscape, silent and badly painted …

No, I’m not talking about my love. With my love at my side, this would be a paradise even God could not create. But it would be beautiful with others, too. This place is teeming with people on Sunday. The wind ripples through the Greek girls’ dresses, sending them up in the air. You’ll see thin-faced children lifting their arms up and throwing themselves over into the sea. The sun burns my skin. The air tickles my chest. The water licks my legs. Hayırsız Islands, Bozburun Peninsula, smoke over the mountains, sailboats, and the moon, rocks, and those green pines playing on my eyes. They mean nothing, until I can people them. So I sit here, thinking about people — and especially you, my love. Without people, without you, there is no meaning. I’m in love, that’s why.