Fletcher Flora - Lysistrata

“Do you concede that you are a thief?”

“Being a woman, I would consider the concessions a fair exchange.”

“In that case, I must be fair and admit that you are pretty. But that we are amicable, and since I deprived you of your wine by preventing your stealing it, I might be prevailed upon to share a bowl with you. What do you think of that?”

“I think it is exceedingly generous, which I am happy to admit in our new amiable relationship, and I accept on one condition.”

“What condition?”

“Well, I am inclined to relax excessively under the influence of wine, and you must promise to behave properly for both of us.”

“I’m not sure that I can make such a promise in good faith, for I have the same inclination that you have. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, however. I promise to repent for both of us afterward, if necessary, which will relieve you of any discomfort in the matter whatever.”

“You are truly being amiable,” she said, “and I accept the condition as being satisfactory.”

Lysistrata was worried and depressed. Standing quietly near the base of the colossal statue of Athene Promachos, she held the elbow of her right arm in the cup of her left hand. With the thumb and index finger of her right hand she alternately pinched and released her lower lip in a gesture that indicated intense concentration. As she stared at the ground a few feet ahead of her, her brows were drawn down in an expression of absolute ferocity. Nausica, approaching her, was aware at once that something was amiss, but she could not for the life of her imagine what it was.

“Lysistrata,” she said, “it is apparent that you are disturbed about something. You are looking absolutely fierce.”

“It’s true that I’m disturbed — and angry,” said Lysistrata, looking up and discontinuing the abuse of her lip. “As a matter of fact, something has developed that is a far greater threat to our success than any other threat to date, and I am frank to say that I am uncertain as to the proper measures to take against it.”

“In that case, perhaps you had better confide in me. It may be that I can resolve the matter with my stick.”

“I don’t think so. I confess that I’ve been tempted to whack a few backsides myself, but I doubt that it would be effective in the present difficulty. Have you detected growing evidence of dissatisfaction among the women?”

“Well, I’ve heard considerable grumbling, if that’s what you mean, but this is natural under the best of circumstances and can only be expected among women with less fortitude than you and I possess.”

“It’s a fact that you and I are exceptional. That has been proven. However, the nature of this enterprise precludes our being able to conclude it satisfactorily alone, and we are imperiled by weaklings.”

“I declare, Lysistrata, I do wish you would simply say outright what it is that disturbs you.”

“Defection, that’s what. The women are all in a passion for the very thing they are sworn to withhold. They are absolutely shameless in their behavior, Nausica, and I am astonished that you haven’t noticed it.”

“As I have told you, I have rather worn out my enthusiasm for this form of entertainment, except now and then on special occasions, and that is why I may be somewhat deficient in recognizing the symptoms of those who have not.”

“I assure you that there is no limit to their duplicity, and they exercise incredible craftiness in devising ways to take unauthorized leave. Not an hour ago I intercepted one trying to slip out the postern gate by the Cave of Pan. And yesterday, if you will believe it, one actually tried to lower herself from the wall by means of a rope. They are absolutely frantic, that’s the truth, and I am compelled to confess that I am not entirely unsympathetic, being myself somewhat disturbed in the same way, but it is necessary to be exceptionally strong at this critical period.”

“I agree. It is certainly a bad sign for our cause if these passionate geese are prepared to jeopardize everything for the sake of accommodation.”

“We must be all the more vigilant, Nausica, that’s what. Besides, there is a brighter interpretation to this, if you will only take the trouble to see it.”

“Well, I’m perfectly willing to take the trouble, so far as that goes, but I am still unable to see anything bright in this development.”

“Stop to consider, Nausica. If the women are so frantic, what do you suppose is the condition of the men?”

“Why, frantic, of course! That’s perfectly logical, Lysistrata. You are quite clever to see it so clearly.”

“As leader, it is my duty to see affairs clearly. It can be taken as established that our men have, by this time, been driven to desperation. It is well-known that one always feels that he must have at once at any price whatever he is denied. Any philosopher will tell you that. So now it is simply a matter of seeing who can restrain themselves the longer, Nausica, the men or the women. Our business has reached its crisis.”

“You are right. I can see that this is so, now that you have pointed it out, and I am thankful that you have done so, for I shall be doubly alert for signs of desertion. I promise you, Lysistrata, if I catch even one of these silly women trying to slip through a gate or scale a wall in an attempt to run off to bed, I shall use my stick upon her behind so roughly that she will be forced to maintain an upright position, even if she escapes me.”

“Exercise reasonable control. We must not be too severe. This is a kind of weakness that I can understand, even though you can’t. However, it is certain that we must prevent any general defection, and if we must abuse a few behinds to accomplish it, that is what we’ll do. I tell you, though, Nausica, it is impossible not to admire the ingenuity of these women. They can in an instant devise the most elaborate lies to justify temporary leave to go home, and you shall see at once that this is true, for here come two of them now. See the expressions on their faces? Did you ever in your life before see such perfect innocence mixed with such honest distress? They have their stories fixed in advance, that’s plain, the dissembling little sluts, and it will require all my mental discipline, which is considerable, to render a judgment based on the simple truth that they are monstrous liars and cannot be trusted for a moment.”

The two women approached, stopped a few paces away and stood waiting. For a minute or two, in order to discomfit them and perhaps deter them in their palpable scheme to deceive, Lysistrata ignored their presence completely. Then, turning suddenly, she looked at them directly with a ferocious scowl, but she was forced to admit that it did not seem particularly effective.

“Well,” she said, “you have obviously come to speak with me, although you stand there like bumpkins and say nothing at all. I advise you to speak up quickly, for you can see that I am in conference with Nausica, who is second in command here, and I am not inclined at this time to concede more than a few minutes to you at most.”

It was her feeling that a brusque voice and the scowl might serve to convince the two women in advance that it would be dangerous to trifle with the truth, but it was evident immediately that they were not to be denied, being motivated by something a great deal more compelling than any dread of Lysistrata or Nausica or both. One of the pair, a young woman who was, in fact, hardly more than a girl, took another step forward and began to speak boldly.

“To tell the truth,” she said, “I have just remembered something that makes it necessary for me to go home.”

“Really? That’s very interesting, I must say, and you have no idea how much I appreciate your consideration in coming to tell me instead of attempting, like others I could mention, to clamber over a wall or slip through a gate. What is it that compels you to go home in such a rush?”