F. Anstey - The Brass Bottle - A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts

[ Who has returned to window. ] They've gone off altogether, sir. I can't see nothink now but a cloud of dust.

[ Sinks into chair on right of table with his head buried in his hands. ] The fools! The confounded fools!

[ Comes to table and looks for Horace in vain. ] Sir! Sir! [ Sees him over the bales, &c. ] Sir! Where are you going to 'ave your dinner-party now ?

[ Forlornly. ] Oh, I don't know – I don't know! Don't worry me now, Mrs. Rapkin! Go away! Can't you see I want to think – I want to think !

[ As she goes towards door at back. ] Well, I must say and I do say that if this 'ad to 'appen, it couldn't have come more ill-convenient! [ She goes out.

[ As he returns the diamond to the sack. ] Oh! damn it all!

My son!

[ Recoiling on sacks. ] I'm not dreaming now ! I'm awake! And yet – all that story of yours about your being shut up in a brass bottle? I did dream that – eh?

Nay, it is even as I told thee.

And it was you who sent me all these things?

A few trifling gifts by no means suited to thy dignity! Thou owest me no thanks.

I – I'd rather not owe you anything . I mean – I can't possibly accept any presents from you.

Nay, they are freely thine.

I don't want to be ungracious, but I must decline to be under any obligation whatever to a – well, to a perfect stranger like yourself.

Hast thou not placed me under the heaviest of obligations by delivering me from a bottle of brass? To escape out of a bottle is pleasant!

So I should imagine. But, you see, I'd no notion what I was doing or – well, it's done now , and if you really wish to show your gratitude for a very trifling service, I'll tell you how you can do it. [ In a tone of earnest entreaty. ] Take back all these gifts of yours, and let me alone!

[ Beaming. ] Truly I am amazed by thy modesty and magnanimity!

I'm not magnanimous – I'm devilish annoyed! [ Exasperated. ] Hang it all! Can't you understand that all these things are no earthly use to me ? You might just as well have sent me so many white elephants!

As thou pleasest! To send thee elephants – yea, even in abundance – will be no difficult undertaking.

[ Aghast. ] Good Lord! Don't you go wasting white elephants on me ! You take everything so literally! All I meant was that if these things were white elephants, instead of what they are, I couldn't be more embarrassed! Now do you see?

[ Coming down to right. ] Thou seemest to me to be despising riches beyond all price.

Exactly! Because they are beyond all price! Look at those sacks – bulging, simply bulging with diamonds and rubies and emeralds as big as ostrich eggs! Well, I can't wear 'em. They'd be too dressy! I can't sell 'em – no one could afford to buy a single one of 'em! And how am I to account for having them at all?

Thou canst surely say that they are presents to thee from Fakrash-el-Aamash, a Jinnee of the Green Jinn, in return for thy kindness in releasing him from a bottle of brass.

Oh, can I? I fancy I see myself giving that explanation! [ More mildly. ] No, Fakrash, – you meant well – but the kindest thing you can do is to remove all this at once —

This is a thing that cannot be. For to bestow gifts and receive them back disgraceth the giver.

Not when the gifts are only in the way. [ He nearly trips over a sack. ] Just look at this room!

Verily it is but a miserable apartment for a person of thy distinction!

It's quite good enough for me when it isn't lumbered up like this. I'm expecting friends to dinner this evening, and how the deuce am I to entertain them comfortably unless you make it possible for me?

[ Benevolently. ] Have no uneasiness. I will see that thou art enabled to entertain thy guests as is fitting.

Good! [ At window. ] Then you'll send for that caravan of yours?

I hear and obey.

[ Encouraging them. ] That's right! All those are to go. Put your back into it! [ To some slaves who are throwing down bales from the balcony. ] Do be careful! You nearly bowled a camel over that time! [ The last slave has gone out with a sack from which an immense blue jewel has rolled ; Horace picks it up and calls after him. ] Hi! You've dropped a little sapphire thing! [ The Head Slave takes the sapphire from him and salaams. ] Sure you've got the lot? All right! Good day! [ The Head Slave makes a final salaam and goes out, the door closing after him mysteriously ; Horace approaches Fakrash.] It's awfully nice of you not to be offended , old fellow, and I'm just as much obliged as if I'd kept the things, you know.

It is no matter. Thou shalt receive other rewards more to thy liking.

[ Alarmed. ] No, no! I assure you I don't want anything . I can get along quite well by myself. Because – of course, you wouldn't know it, but – [ with pride ] – I've got a client now!

[ Calmly. ] I know it. Was he not my first gift unto thee?

[ Staggered. ] Your first – ? No, no – don't you go taking credit for that ! He assured me himself that he came of his own accord!

He knew no better. Nevertheless it was I that procured him for thee.

How?

[ Airily. ] In the easiest manner possible. Having remarked him upon a bridge, I transported him instantly to thy dwelling, impressing him without his knowledge with thy names and thy marvellous abilities.