F. Anstey - The Brass Bottle - A Farcical Fantastic Play in Four Acts

[ With dignity. ] Certainly not! It was – ah – entirely my own idea. But why do you ask? [ Huffily. ] Is an introduction necessary?

[ Relieved. ] No, no – not in the least! I – I merely asked. I shall be very pleased to undertake the commission. Could you give me some idea of the amount you thought of spending on the house?

Well, I don't think I could go to more than – say, sixty thousand pounds.

[ Half rising in his surprise. ] Sixty thousand! [ He recollects himself and sits down in assumed calm. ] Oh, not more than that ? I see .

For the house itself. But there'll be the out-buildings – and the decorations. Altogether, I sha'n't complain so long as the total doesn't exceed a hundred thousand. I take it that, for that sum, Mr. Ventimore, you could give me a country-house that I shall have no cause – ah – to feel ashamed of.

I can safely promise that . And now – when could I run down and have a look at the site, and go into the matter thoroughly?

We must fix a day later. I'm rather in a hurry now; and besides, I must consult the wife. Perhaps you could give me an appointment here?

These are only my private rooms. I shall be at my office in Great College Street to-morrow, if you could look in then. [ Giving him card. ] Here's the address.

Good! [ He rises and moves towards window, while Horace rings bell by fireplace. ] I'll look in on my way from Waterloo to the City. [ He perceives that he is walking out on to a balcony, and turns. ] How the devil did I come in? I'll be with you at eleven sharp.

[He goes towards the bedroom door on the right.

[ At door to landing. ] This way, Mr. Wackerbath.

[ Vaguely. ] I thought I came that way. [ As he goes up. ] I can see already that you're the very man for me. [ At door to landing. ] Now I must be off, or I shall miss my train to Lipsfield. [ As Horace offers to see him downstairs. ] Don't trouble – I can find my way down. Eleven sharp to-morrow. Good evening.

[ As he passes out Horace touches his back, as though half suspecting him to be another illusion . Mr. Wackerbath turns and shakes hands effusively, then goes out, and Horace closes door.

[ To himself. ] He's no dream, anyhow! [ With exultation. ] A client! A real client of my own! At last!

[ Enters from landing. ] Did you ring for me, sir? – or was it only to let the gentleman out?

[ She comes down.

Oh, there is something I had to tell you. We shall be five at dinner, not four. You can manage all right, eh?

[ Comfortably. ] Lor, yes, sir. That won't make no difference!

[ In front of table. ] By the way, Mrs. Rapkin, you haven't let your ground-floor yet, have you? To – to an Asiatic gentleman?

Me , sir? Let to a Asiatic! No, – nor wouldn't! Why, there was Rapkin's own sister-in-law let her droring-room floor to one. And – [ darkly ] – reason she 'ad to repent of it – for all his gold spectacles.

[ Relieved. ] Ah, I thought you hadn't. [ Sits on table. ] Well, about the waiting to-night? I suppose I can depend on Rapkin for that, eh? Where is he?

Well, sir, not to deceive you, he ain't back yet from his Public – Libery as he calls it.

Oh, that's what he calls it, eh?

Whatever he's took, sir, you may rely on him to 'and the dishes without 'aving no accidents.

[A noise is heard from the street below, which gradually resolves itself into an Oriental chant.

What's going on outside? [ He goes to window, looks out, and then starts back uneasily. ] I say. It's – it's devilish odd – but there seems to me to be a whole caravan of camels down there!

[ Crossing to window. ] Camuels, sir?

Well, you look and see what you make of them!

[ Looking down over balcony. ] Lor! They do look like camuels, sir – or somethink o' that. I expect they belong to the 'Ippodrome, or else a circus.

[ Relieved. ] I say, what a sensible woman you are! Of course! I never thought of that !

[ Still looking out, while the chant finishes with a few shouts, as though a halt were called. ] They seem to be stopping outside the 'ouse. Them camuels have folded up, and all the niggers as is with them is a kneelin' down with their noses on the kerbstone!

[ Uncomfortably. ] They're only resting . Come away and don't take any notice. They'll move on presently.

[ Still at window. ] But they're unpackin' the camuels now! And – well, if they ain't bringing everythink in 'ere !

[She retreats to behind the table.

Great Scott!

[He comes down to left of stage.

They wouldn't be more things as you've been buying at that auction, sir, would they?

[The chant is heard now inside the house.

No, no. It's a mistake! It must be a mistake!

Then I'd better go and tell them —

[ She moves towards door to landing, but before she reaches it, it flies open mysteriously. A moment afterwards a tall, fierce Oriental in turban and robes appears in doorway and salaams. Mrs. Rapkin recoils with a cry . Then a train of black slaves enter, carrying large sacks, bales, and chests, which they deposit on the table and floor, till the room is completely blocked; their chief stands down on right, with his back to the audience, and directs them by gestures.

Look here! I say, – you fellows! You've come to the wrong house!

[The slaves pay no attention to him.

'Ere! my good men , what are you comin' in ' ere for, bringing all your dust into my apartments?

[ Standing paralysed; to himself. ] We can't both be dreaming!

[ Trying to remonstrate with slaves. ] This rubbish don't belong 'ere ! I can't 'ave the 'ole place littered up with it! You needn't act so ridic'lous if you are niggers! [ To Horace.] It ain't no use my talking to 'em, sir. They're not like Christians – they're deaf and dumb, seemingly! You try!

[ Going to the Head Slave, who salaams as he approaches. ] Can you understand if I ask a question? [ The Head Slave salaams again. ] Well, I – I know it seems a silly thing to ask – but – but you don't happen to be sent here by – by anybody with a name something like Fakrash? [ The Head Slave implies by a gesture that this is so. ] You have !.. Well, look here. I don't want 'em. I decline to take 'em in. You have all these things put on the camels again, and clear out! Do you see what I mean? [ By this time the other slaves have gone; the Head Slave signifies in pantomime that the things are Horace's, salaams, and goes out, the door closing behind him mysteriously. ] I don't believe that idiot understands now ! They've gone off to fetch more !

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