Lara Bergen: Runaway Hit

It was the start of another potentially boring summer day in the lives of Phineas and Ferb. As they ate their breakfast, a painfully bad Super American Pop Teen Idol Star contestant was croaking out a song on the kitchen TV. Phineas and Ferb listened as they dug into their second bowls of Sugar POWs and their mom, Linda, helped herself to her fourth cup of coffee. Phineas’s sister (and Ferb’s stepsister), Candace, was searching in the refrigerator.

“I… met my love in a—” the boy on the show belted out at the top of his lungs, sounding a lot like a human bagpipe, only worse.

As the boys watched, a big boxing glove shot out of nowhere and— BOOM! — whacked the contestant off the stage.

“Oh, boy!” cried the announcer. “Did that kid stink or what? Ha!” He laughed and shook his head, then grinned and pointed at the camera. “But maybe you’ve got what it takes to be…” as he spoke, the words flashed onto the screen: “… the next … Super… American… Pop… Teen… Idol… Star !! Auditions open today at the Googolplex Mall in beautiful downtown Danville!”

Candace immediately gave up her search for a raspberry yogurt and ran to the television. “Auditions! Today!” Her heart was pounding in her chest. Was it possible? Was her favorite show really having auditions at the local mall?

“Yes!” said the announcer cheerfully. “Today! At two o’clock sharp!”

“Yes!” Candace lifted the TV off the counter and planted a big wet kiss in the middle of the screen. “ Mwaahh! I’ve got to tell Stacy!” She dashed off to her room to call her best friend right away. After all, opportunities like this didn’t just up and land in a girl’s very own hometown every day!

Unfortunately, Candace forgot that she was still holding the television set. And it was still plugged into the wall…

“Oh!” she cried, as her arms flew back and — THONK! — her rear end hit the floor.

Phineas and Ferb glanced at Candace from their seats at the kitchen table to see what all the noise was about. Then they went back to eating their cereal.

“That pop-star stuff might be fun at first,” said Phineas between spoonfuls. “But then you’d be stuck in a dead-end job. Too bad you can’t just do it once and move on.”

“Well, what you’re talking about,” said Linda, taking another sip of coffee, “is a one-hit wonder.” She walked over to the counter and stood next to the TV.

“A one-hit wonder?” said Phineas, looking up. “What’s that?”

“Well…” Linda began. She put her finger to her chin as her eyes drifted dreamily to the ceiling. “… A musical act goes to the top of the charts with a catchy tune and meaningless lyrics.”

Then her smile was quickly replaced with a frown. “Then they throw a big diva tantrum,” Linda went on grimly, “lose their label, and fade to obscurity. Before you know it, their song ends up as elevator music. Years later, they have a reunion concert…” She sighed and seemed to drift further away. “And after that they never sing again… and no one remembers them.”

Linda’s eyes snapped back into focus. She smiled and touched her chest. “Ha! Not that I would know anything about that!”

Then, humming a little song, she walked out of the room.

If you say so, thought Phineas, exchanging a baffled look with Ferb. For a mom, she sure seemed to know a lot about it.

Phineas shrugged. As Linda was giving her description, he’d made a list of all the things needed in order to be a one-hit wonder. Now he read back over what he’d written down.

“A one-hit wonder…” he said. “Ferb!” he said excitedly. “I know what we’re gonna do today!”

But Ferb was always a beat ahead of his stepbrother. He’d already strapped on an electric guitar and was ready to go!

Later that morning, in Candace’s room, Stacy watched calmly as her best friend freaked out. This was the opportunity Candace had been waiting for her whole life! What better way to get out from under her unbearable brothers’ unbearable shadow once and for all? There was no question that she had as much talent as any other Super American Pop Teen Idol Star… if she did say so herself. Singing and acting were her thing. (Not Phineas and Ferb’s!) Now she finally had a way to get all the fame and fortune she so totally deserved.

But first she had to ace the auditions.

“Stacy,” Candace wailed as she thumbed through her CDs for the umpteenth time, “what am I going to sing ?”

“Hel- lo ?” said Stacy, whose mind was, as usual, on the most important matters at hand. “What are you going to wear ?”

Hmm, thought Candace. Good question.

Quickly, she moved to her closet.

“What do you think?” she asked, slipping into a long blue gown.

“Too much,” Stacy replied.

So Candace tried on a bathing suit.

“Too little,” Stacy said.

She tried on a pinafore.

“Ugh,” Stacy groaned. That was way too clean.

She changed into torn cords and a hippie T-shirt.

“Too dirty,” Stacy said, scrunching up her nose.

Stacy sat up and eagerly examined Candace’s next outfit. It was an ’80s pop-star getup, complete with white boots, pink leg warmers, miniskirt, and acid-washed jacket. “Hey!” she said, pointing. “Where’d you get that ?”

“In my mom’s closet. You like it?” Candace asked, turning from side to side.

Stacy reconsidered. “Nah,” she said, “Too retro.”

So Candace kept on trying — throwing on everything from a police uniform to a gorilla suit — until at last Stacy stopped her with a decisive “Perfect!”