Lara Bergen: Runaway Hit

“Good luck, Agent P!” Major Monogram called after him.

Perry’s rocket seat blasted through the asphalt (missing the manhole he’d been aiming for by a few inches, unfortunately) and shot into the sky above the street. Once in the air, Perry coolly pushed another lever, and a whirring helicopter propeller popped up above his chair.

Off he flew to defend justice by putting a stop to Doofenshmirtz’s activities… or non -activities… or whatever exactly it was he had to do.

As Agent P zoomed above the city, Candace quickly made her way down the street toward the movie set.

“There it is!” she gasped as she arrived, her eyes zeroing in on the producer’s silver trailer.

She ran up to the door. It was open, so she peered in.

“Um… excuse me? Ahem… Mr. Producer, sir?” she said.

A grumpy-looking man with a goatee looked over his shoulder as he spoke into his cell phone. “I can’t talk to you right now. My lead actress just quit!”

Candace stepped brightly into the trailer. “Well, sir,” she said, “this is your lucky day!”

She cleared her throat and adjusted her expression into an appropriately princess-like one.

“To think!” Candace said, putting her hand to her head.

“To dream !” She clutched her chest.

“Whether ’tis nobler to love…” She fell to her knees dramatically. “I know not.” She dropped her chin to her chest and bowed deeply.

The producer scratched his chin and lowered his phone slowly. “Hmm… that’s not bad… and you know your lines. Hmm…” He thought for a moment.

“I’ll do it for free!” Candace blurted out.

“You’re hired!” he said.

“Really?”

“You bet,” the producer told her. He picked up his phone again and quickly began to punch in numbers. “With the money I save,” he went on to himself, “I’ll be able to hire the hottest new directors in town!” He grinned as his call went through. “Hello.”

Candace, of course, was ecstatic. She’d actually landed the lead in the film version of her all-time favorite play! And not only that, she would be working with the best directors in town! At last, she would get the respect and attention a true artist like herself so richly deserved.

A short time later, Candace was in hair and makeup getting ready for her first scene. She wanted to pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming.

“Wow!” she exclaimed blissfully as people flitted around to get her ready for filming. “I could get used to this!”

The assistant grip appeared with a clipboard and an assortment of other people.

“Miss Candace, here’s your contract… and your bagel. This is Antoine, your dialogue coach; Mickey, your swimming stand-in; and your personal trainers, Olga and Chicago Jones.” He held up a little box with two brawny crickets in it.

The smaller one chirped in a high voice, “Drop and give me twenty!”

How… exclusive, thought Candace.

It was time to head to the set. When she got there, the producer was waiting.

“Candace, baby , let me introduce you to the directors of this film.” He motioned to a camera crane looming overhead and grinned as it lowered the two filmmakers toward them.

“Hi, Candace,” said one director. His voice sounded familiar…

Slowly, the two directors came into view.

“Phineas and Ferb?!” Candace cried. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re directing the movie,” said Phineas. “Our new agent arranged the whole thing.” He pointed over his shoulder to his faithful friend Isabella, who was busy on her cell phone.

“Look,” Candace could hear her saying, “my client gets three percent of the gross and a piece of the back end or he walks. Yeah. That’s right.” She frowned. “You mess with the bull, you get the horns, buddy. Hello?” She hung up and took another call. “Syd, baby ,” she said, smiling, “you got that third act of mine yet?”

“Wait, wait!” wailed Candace. This simply couldn’t be! Desperately, she grabbed the producer by the shoulders. “Don’t you think they’re a little young to be big-budget movie directors?” she asked him.

“With a hundred and seventy-six million hits,” he told her, “they could be in diapers, for all I care.” And with a wink to his new directors, he happily walked away.

Phineas nodded to Ferb. It was time for the moviemaking to begin!

Later that day, after a trip to wardrobe, Candace found herself in a long blue satin princess gown, high-heeled silver slippers… and a huge, green, toothy monster head. In fact, she looked a lot like the puppet Ferb had been playing with in their backyard that morning — only a lot bigger and a little more dressed up.

“Phineas,” she said, “I don’t remember any monsters in The Princess Sensibilities .”

“We just finished the rewrites this morning,” he explained.

He held up the script, and she looked at the cover — the title had been crossed out and changed completely.

“ The Curse of the Princess Monster ?” Candace hollered. “That is not what I signed up for! Besides, I can’t wear this !” she went on, yanking off the monster head. “No one will see my face!”

“Yes,” said the producer, walking up behind her, “but in the end the curse is lifted, and in your big dramatic scene, you will look stunning! This film could make you… a star !”

“Really?” Candace reconsidered. She could almost see the limousines, long red carpets, and flashing lights of paparazzi in her future. She could almost feel the wet cement as she left her handprints in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. She could see her name in lights and on the covers of all the magazines.

“A… a… star ?” She sighed.

That was all he had to say.

“Hey, ugly monster,” came a voice from outside the wardrobe trailer. “You’re needed on the set!”

“I’m coming!” she sang.

And after a few tries, Candace got her fat, scaly head through the doorway. She was ready to begin her movie-star career!