Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

• a hat

• lip balm

• a wooden comb

• pen and paper

• pocket cash

• the newspaper

Having the appropriate physique or not, Carioca men, young and old, wear Speedo-type bathing suits. Surfer shorts are also acceptable and worn by the surfer crowd, but note that they should be well-fitted and hang at least five finger lengths below the navel. Wearing draw-string shorts in bright colors, you are sure to stand out like a neon sign. An old T-shirt and Havaianasare all you need to arrive at the beach in. Money for cervas and buses can be rolled into the lining of your shorts. Carioca men do not sit on towels. They shake themselves dry after swimming and always sit directly on the sand. Towels are for women, children, and wimps.

Ten months out of the year Rio is hot. And for a couple of those months we’re talking about the «fry-an-egg-on- the-sidewalk» type of hot. Obviously, since the Carioca would much rather be at the beach than at the office, he’ll do his best to ignore this aspect of his life. But for those unavoidable hours when going to the office is on his schedule, the true Carioca will skillfully select the coolest and most comfortable items in his «professional» wardrobe for the trek downtown and back.

It isn’t uncommon for the more creative and spirited executive to keep a parallel work wardrobe at the office. That way, by commuting on his motorcycle or in his air-conditioned car wearing shorts or jeans, tennis shoes, and a T-shirt, he simply arrives early at the office where the transformation to executive takes place behind his desk. By doing this, he avoids the danger of starting the day looking like he has gone a few rounds with the current heavyweight champ. This is the true spirit of a Carioca — comfort above all.

In terms of dress codes, you will soon find that anything goes in this marvelously casual city. When lunch is on the agenda, perhaps the only rule that might be imposed by a Carioca eating establishment (save those restaurants that offer the finest in dining) is no bare feet or chests. Why? Who knows. But it’s OK, ladies. No need to drag a shirt along to the beach. That itty-bitty tangatop will be enthusiastically welcomed!

If by chance you associate a night at the symphony with jewels and cummerbunds, go for it. Pull that tux out of moth balls and those rings out of the safe. Just don’t be surprised if the fellow seated next to you at the symphony hall has opted for the casual look and is comfortably attired in shorts and chinelos.

Since a large portion of time is spent at the beach, the true Carioca takes great care in getting into and keeping in shape. Therefore, at least two hours a day are spent at the local gym malhando[mah’lyan doo] (working out). Seeing as the gym is also a social gathering place, correct attire is a must.

When choosing your Carioca work-out attire, you should start by picking out colors that glow in the dark, preferably pinks, greens, yellows, and turquoises. The better shape you are in, the more you should glow.

To show off those sculptured pecs, the guys will wear tank tops and surfer shorts (no baggy activewear here). For the ladies, an infinite variety of combinations, such as halter tops and colorful, knee-length tights (wedged between the buttocks)— either in a shiny Lycra, or possibly even a see-through lace — will do. Be sure to have at least five variations in your wardrobe, one for each day of the week.

Just as it is at the beach, there is no discrimination as to shape; all figures and sizes are invited to indulge in the latest work-out fashions. So if even the thought of ten sit-ups tires you out, just find the nearest gym, look sexy, and you will fit right in.

Looking good? Great. The next Step is to put some grana [’grruh nuh] (cash) in your purse or pocket.

Until not too long ago, one of the more complicated aspects of everyday life in Rio was, without a doubt, the local currency. And for good reason. Due to an accumulated three-decade inflation rate of one quadrillion percent (that’s right, folks), Brazilian currency changed from the cruzeiro to the cruzado, to the cruzado novo, back to the cruzeiro, to the cruzeiro real, to the URV (a clever stopgap pseudo-currency), and on to the real [hay ’yowl], while dropping a bunch of zeros along the way and adding an array of new bills and coins. If you are mildly confused as to the value of Brazilian bills and coins, you had best pull them all out, lay them on a table, and begin studying. Needless to say, a true Carioca never makes mistakes when dealing with money.

Although Brazil’s currency is currently the real, just to complicate matters you will come across two versions of the ten real bill that differ in color, texture, and artistic motif. Both are in circulation and worth exactly the same thing. As to coins, you will come across two versions for each value that differ in color, size, and artistic motif. Both are also in circulation and worth exactly the same thing!

Are you thoroughly confused with all this? That’s OK. Just read on.

Due to the lingering taste of galloping inflation and Brazil’s hefty interest rates, Rio is populated by approximately ten million economists. If you want to keep the value of your funds in check like a true Carioca, it’s very simple. Just peruse the newspaper on a daily basis for the current dollar and euro exchange rates. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to keep an eye on the current TR, TRD, TBF, CDB, DI, CD-DI, TBC/TBAN, IGP-M, IGP-DI, FIF, IPC-DI, INPC, IPCA-FIPE, IRF-M, TJLP, CPI, etc.

Other «currencies»:Now that you are confident about the value of your bills and coins, it is necessary to understand how to use them. Memorize the following words and phrases, put them to use, and you, too, will be dealing with money like a real Carioca:

cheque voador[‘sheh kee voh ah ‘doh]: a flying check that never lands (also known as cheque-borracha);

cheque-bumerangue[‘sheh kee boo meh ‘rrayn gee]: a check that is intentionally filled out incorrectly and thus keeps coming back to you;

cheque especial[‘sheh key shpeh see ‘yahl]: a line of credit that covers cheques voadoresand cheques-bumerangues.

Imagine, for example, that you are in a local store and you find a pair of shoes that you can’t live without. When you inquire as to the price, it will, of course, be quoted in reais[hay ‘eyesh]. At this point, the Carioca will place his right index finger on his right cheek, roll his eyes, and ponder the issue at hand. By paving with three predated checks, he will get clobbered with a healthy interest on his cheque especial. If paid by credit card in six easy installments, it will cost a percentage more, but depending on the day the card payment is due, the Carioca might save a substantial percentage off the interest he is already paving on his cheque especial. There is always the option of making a dozen installment payments, in which case, hedging his bet on a decrease in interest rates, he just might come out ahead. So how much did those shoes cost after all?