Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

Since you’ll obviously have to carry some cash, the Carioca thing to do is to keep it in two wads in your pocket: one for you and one you for the thieves. Remember! Assault time is NO time for heroics! However, in the event you do happen to suffer one of these inconveniences, just remember to keep your wits about you and remain cool. Besides, it’s a great topic for conversation later over a few choppsor caipirinhasback at your favorite boteco. (Refer to Lesson 9, «Eating Out in Rio.»)

While looking for a taxi or waiting for a bus, there is a good chance that a narrow, top-heavy vehicle spewing exhaust fumes, with someone perilously hanging out the passenger window, will pull up. This is a van[vuhhn]. Although frowned upon by authorities, traveling by van is an excellent bargain for those days when sitting alone in traffic is not what you have in mind. And who knows? Due to its tight quarters, along with a guarda, you might find yourself squeezed next to that special gataor gatão. (Refer to Lesson 16, «Carioca Romance.»)

Cariocas on wheels tend to come within a hair of altering their existence, especially when the wheels they are negotiating through Rio’s traffic belong to a motorcycle. Therefore, anyone with suicidal tendencies should try their hand at a motorcycle on the streets of this beautiful city. If you fit this description, it is recommended you look for a dirt bike, or any other similar kind of machine, due to the varying degrees of (or lack of) pavement you might encounter. Remember that you will be sharing the road with taxis, buses, and cars, so make sure you are familiar with this entire lesson in order to know what you’re getting into!

The helmet is very popular among Rio bikers, although its use on the head is not. The helmet is often seen attached to the rear seat of the bike — sometimes hanging to the left, sometimes to the right — or is carried on the arm of the rider. Contrary to bikers in other parts of the world who don protective leather gear, the Carioca biker will wear anything from sungasand tangasto business suits and party gowns.

The best thing about a motorcycle in Rio is its utility in rush hour traffic. By squeezing through the sea of motionless cars, or simply riding on the sidewalk, if you ride a motorcycle you are guaranteed to get you to your destination well before any automobile driver.

In order to appreciate Rio’s natural magnificence and splendor, it is best to leave the wheels aside. Put on those shorts and Havaianas, roll up a few wads of bills and put them in your pocket, and enjoy the city on foot. However, sidewalks are often cracked or broken due to motorists who insist on parking on them, holes are common varying in size and depth, and dog mines are not unusual So a moment of distraction may result in an injury or a curb stop. Just remember to watch your Step at all times (often making sightseeing a bit hard on the neck), and then languish in the glory of Rio.

• buses

• dog mines

• broken bottles

• automobile parts

• motorcycles

• construction sites

• wood with rusty nails

• uncovered pot holes

• sleeping beggars

• Macumbas

• bicycles

• camelôs

• parked cars

• UFOs (Unidentified Falling Objects)

Unless in search of a real adventure, a true Carioca will never walk the streets wearing or earning anything of value. It just isn’t common sense to do so anywhere in the world, unless, of course, your home town is Mountain Iron, Minnesota! But in the event some pivete(young street thief) should take a liking to your imitation diver’s watch, simply smile and pass it over. The camelôyou just tripped over should have another one just like it.

Pedestrian X-ings:You may have figured out by now that only animals have less priority than pedestrians when crossing a street in Rio. Remember! The Carioca motorist will make it a personal challenge to see just how close he can get to a pedestrian. If you want to cross a street like a real local, ignore all pedestrian overpasses and crosswalks when reaching a busy street. Just run for your life! And unless you want to be history, it’s not advisable to attempt the «thumbs-up technique» when crossing a busy Rio street. You might end up facedown!

Unfortunately, Rio is not known for its exemplary street signs, and even the truest of Cariocas will admit to occasionally getting lost. If you should find yourself in such a situation, do not become alarmed. Just stop the person closest to you and ask for directions.

Whether it be from your car window, at a bus stop, or on the sidewalk, Cariocas will always stop whatever they are doing to assist you. And you can be sure they will do so in an extremely accommodating and friendly fashion. A hand to the chin, a turn of the head in both directions, and a short pause will precede a lengthy series of intricate instructions on how to reach your destination, often accompanied by several options.

In the rare event that a Carioca is not familiar with the place you are looking for, he will take it upon himself to direct your question to the person standing closest to him, who will consequently ask another person. Soon a small crowd will form, at which time it is best to walk or drive away to try your luck elsewhere to avoid the ensuing chaos.

In order to find out if you would be safe behind the wheel in Rio, try taking the following multiple choice test.

Boa sorte!(Good luck!)

1. Before putting the key in the ignition, you should

• buckle up.

• check your gas gauge.

• turn on the radio.

• do none of the above.

2. If you reach a yellow light and the guy in front of you goes for it, you should

• prepare to stop.

• accelerate and go for it.

• note the car’s license number and make a citizen’s arrest.

3. How many car lengths should you maintain from the car in front of you for optimum safety?

• Five.

• Three.

• Half.

• None of the above.

4. When driving, you should never take your eyes off the road unless

• you see an incredible gata or gatão walking along the beach.

• you are looking for a parking space.

• you see the pivete that took your watch last week.

• None of the above.

• All of the above.

5. If a car has cut you off, you should

• ignore it and let him go.

• cuss him out.

• catch up to him and tailgate as you blink your high beams.

6. Besides the horn, what is the most important part of your car?

• The rearview mirror.

• The door knob.

• The back seat.

• None of the above.

7. Before obtaining a driver’s license, you should

• go to a driving school.

• take out life insurance.

• make out your will.

• do all of the above.

8. When stuck in heavy traffic, you should

• call your wife on your cellular phone to tell her you’ll be late.