Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

Kiss your friend on both cheeks.

Move around the table kissing each person present on both cheeks. And remember: their right cheek first!

There is British time, American time, German time, Japanese time, and Brazilian time (among others). And then there is Carioca time.

Try to follow a tight schedule or set important deadlines while in Rio, and you will soon discover that you’re a candidate for an ulcer. Whether you’ve set up a business meeting, a dinner for four, a party for thirty, or simply a visit from the plumber to fix your kitchen sink, you will quickly realize that punctuality is not very high on the Carioca’s totem pole. In fact, unless being late would result in dire circumstances (such as a missed flight), the true Carioca will simply ignore any predetermined schedule and will arrive for a meeting or an engagement at his own convenience.

Show up on time for a Carioca cocktail or dinner party and you will find yourself talking to the wall or spending an hour or so making small talk with an embarrassed hostess. And in this case, you can be sure your hostess’ embarrassment was not caused by the tardiness of her other guests; she was simply not expecting your punctuality!

To avoid this sort of faux pas the next time you arrive on time for a Carioca «dinner-at-nine» party, instead of standing around alone examining the art in your host’s living room, simply slip out the back door, and go (why not?) to a movie. That will give you at least a two hour delay, sufficient time to get you back to the party for your new entrance at eleven o’clock, and right on time with the other guests. And don’t forget to pass by the nearest botecofor a few coxinhasor portions of batata frita(see Lesson 9, «Eating Out in Rio») after the movie to hold you over until dinner, which will be served punctually late.

Cariocas, by nature, tend to be extremely open, warm, and friendly. And to demonstrate their friendliness in social situations, you can be sure that they will never bid you farewell with a simple good-bye. It would be just too dry and not in keeping with their nature. If you want to come off like a real Carioca, always terminate your social encounters with one of the following:

• «A gente se vê.»:«See you.»

• «Te ligo.»:«I’ll call you.»

• «Aparece lá em casa.»:«Show up at my place any time.»

But remember! These phrases are NOT meant to be taken literally or seriously. In other words, you are in agreement:

• «We WON’T be seeing each other again soon.»

• «DON’T wait for my call.»

• «DON’T show up at my place.»

A real Carioca will use these phrases frequently and enthusiastically. But when they are directed at him, he will disregard them like a grain of sand on Ipanema beach. Therefore, follow up on any of the above phrases and you not only run the risk of feeling ridiculous, you stand a chance of losing your newly gained status as a local.

As in most cultures, the male Carioca has his little habits that, although perhaps frowned upon in other parts of the world, are practiced with great gusto on his own turf. While waiting for a bus, having a cafezinho, standing in line, or catching a few rays at the beach — wherever — the Carioca male will habitually affirm his manhood by performing a continuous testicular jiggling routine. Beyond any scientific reasoning, this act is inevitably followed by an urge to spit, which the Carioca male will proceed to do in the most convenient spot available.

Now that you are speaking like a true Carioca, it’s time you looked like one by dressing like one.

Dressing is an attitude, and nowhere will attitude influence attire as much as in Rio. Living in a casual city, a Carioca dresses for comfort, which is not to say that at any moment the importance of making a fashion statement is ignored. Whether it be a walk through the shopping center or down the streets of Ipanema, going to work, or simply going to the beach, a true Carioca is very aware of how he or she looks.

Ready to give up your Brooks Brothers suits, Coach bags, Ralph Lauren shirts, your Rolex watch, Burberry trench coat, and those Gucci shoes? How about your favorite rayons, polyesters, plaids, baggy shorts, and that bathing suit you bought last summer on the Islands? Good.

Your shopping list:The following are a few essential items you will want to pick up in Copacabana or at a local camelô(street vendor). Wear them with a flourish, and you will be well on the road to looking like a true Carioca.

• skin-tight, low-cut jerseys (5)

• plastic watch (1)

• tight shorts (2)

• form-fitting, mid-thigh skirts (3)

• tanga-size, lacy underwear (5)

• kangas(2)

• tangas(5)

• work-out attire (5)

• beach bag (1)

• costume jewelry (lots of it)

• surfer T-shirts (5)

• surfer shorts (3)

• sungas (2)

• jeans, one size too small

• pochete (1)

• Havaianas (1 pair)

• work-out attire (5)

• tennis shoes (1 pair)

• diver’s watch (1 imitation)

• dress shirt (1)

What to wear at the beach:The social area, the beach has a very specific dress code, and it is here the tourist’s wardrobe tends to be a dead giveaway. Arriving completely dressed, the gringo will proceed to remove layers of clothing, only to expose a colorful, oversized swimsuit, offset by translucent white skin. Please resist the temptation to do this. A few days at the local swimming pool can do wonders for that telltale glare. Ready to blend in with the locals? Try adhering to the following guidelines:

Wear as little as possible! The female Carioca arrives at the beach dressed in a Bali kangarolled around her waist in the form of a skirt, with a T-shirt on top. After carefully selecting a spot on the beach, she skillfully proceeds to engage in an undressing ritual which may take up to four minutes, finally revealing a tiny, skimpy little tanga— thus leaving very little to the imagination. If you are a true Carioca woman, the bottom portion of your tangashould resemble a triangular postage stamp affixed to your tailbone. Opting for the more conservative look — by exposing only ninety percent of your buttocks — is also acceptable. Tugging, pulling, and repositioning these four triangular strips of material is a favorite activity while wearing a Carioca tanga. Note that there are no prerequisites as to shape, weight, or age when wearing a tanga. Don’t be shy. All figures are entitled to bare all.

Made either of straw or plastic, the obligatory beach bag will contain an interesting variety of paraphernalia, all dispensable just in case some rato de praia(beach thief) comes along.

• tanning lotion

• sun glasses

• a couple of hair clips