Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

So if you are visiting Rio, but don’t want to stick out like a pair of wing-tipped, lace-up shoes in a room full of rubber sandals, read How to Be a Carioca. Just a week or two of study and people will think you’ve lived in Rio all your life — and so will you. Soon you, too, will be feeling the joys of being a true Carioca. And remember, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate — « Aparece lá em casa.»

In attempting to create a comprehensive guidebook about the Carioca, those delightfully creative inhabitants of Rio de Janeiro, I think the author (with my generous input) has been quite successful. Believe me, if anyone can teach you how to be a local in Rio, she’s got a clear shot at it. And since I am a legitimate Carioca from birth, you’ve got to give me credit for being an authority on the subject.

Of course, the art of being a Carioca incorporates millions of cultural peculiarities, well beyond those mentioned in this book. With enough ideas and material to fill a twelve volume encyclopedia, we came to the conclusion, being the good Cariocas we are, that it would simply be too much work. Therefore, we decided to do an abbreviated version and focus on giving you, the gringo, the opportunity to fully acquaint yourself with the positive energy that, thanks to the Carioca, radiates from this outrageously charming city.

Paris, London, San Francisco, Rome, Buenos Aires, Tokyo, Madrid, New York, Rio de Janeiro? Rio? Yes, Rio.

GREAT choice!

Being the seasoned traveler you are, you know there is more to a city than its sites. Namely, there are the people. And being the adventurous traveler you are, whether on vacation or business, you’ll want to avoid making a spectacle out of yourself by acting like a tourist; you’ll want to act like one of the locals. Therefore, when in Rio you’ll want to be a Carioca!

Now there are Cariocas, and then there are Cariocas, but a true Carioca is a person who:

• lives in the city of Rio de Janeiro, preferably on or near the beach (or else aspires to),

• professes to being between 15 and 39 years old, and

• makes it a habit of going to the beach before, after, or instead of work.

Note: All sexes, social classes, and ethnic groups are welcome.

Of course, you may be wondering if being a Carioca is for you. If so, find out by considering your willingness to do the following:

• Substitute your pale, tense, competitive expression for a tanned look of confident serenity and complacency;

• Trade in your plaid shirts, polyester shorts, and tasseled loafers for a Pizzaria Guanabara T-shirt, surfer shorts, and a pair of rubber sandals, preferably blue;

• Exchange your gold, initialed money clip for a rubber band;

• Drop your third-generation, six-figure corporate name. (Dudu [Doo ’doo] and Bete [’Beh tche] are more appropriate names than Edward and Elizabeth for someone who haggles with the local beer vendor on the beach.)

If you eagerly answered «yes» to the above and are ready to open your heart to the city of Rio, you are already on the road to becoming a true Carioca.

Flying into Rio you will be landing at one of the world’s most efficient airports. And it is at the airport where you will have your first opportunity to practice being a Carioca. Memorize the following essential words and phrases. They will help you get through those first scary hours at the airport. Note: Phonetic spelling has been used liberally throughout this book in order to guide the novice Carioca towards correct pronunciation.

«E aí, mermão, beleza?»[ее ah ’ее merh ’mown beh ’leh zah]: «So what’s up, buddy? Everything cool?»

«O negócio é o seguinte…»[oh nay ’gaw seeyoo eh oh say ’geen tche]: «The story is the following…»

«Num dá pra dá um jeitinho?»[noon ’dah prrah ’dah oon jay ’tchee nyoo]: «Isn’t there a way around this?»

uma estupidamente gelada[oo mah eh ’shtoo pee dah mayn tche jeh ’lah dah]: an extremely cold beer.

At the airport:Upon arrival, disembark and proceed as follows:

1. Wait in the immigration line, get stamped in, and descend to the baggage claim area, which you will find empty.

2. Take a left or right (depending which airline you arrived on) and you will see a crowd rushing into the Duty Free Shop, the mecca for arriving Carioca travelers.

3. Follow the crowd, grab a shopping cart, and force your way through the crowd, filling your cart with the following:

• 4 bottles of perfume or eau de cologne

• 1 case of imported Scotch or vodka

• 5 tubes of Crest toothpaste

• 1 package of Hershey Bars

(Of course, you probably won’t need these items. But being a true Carioca you will always buy anything, as long as it is imported.)

4. Proceed to the checkout counter and wait in line.

5. After paying for your items, return to the baggage claim area and wait for your luggage.

6. Proceed with your cart, which contains your newly purchased items and hopefully your luggage, to the customs line.

7. Wait in the customs line. Once you are at the front of the line you will see a large black button. If upon pressing this button you get:

A. lucky (a green light), proceed directly to the airport terminal, making your way through the sea of noisy awaiting relatives;

B. unlucky (a red light, followed by a honking sound), turn left into the customs inspection line, and wait for an agent to inspect your luggage. In the unfortunate event the customs agent finds an item he wishes you to pay duty on, simply proceed in the following manner:

Step 1.Create a friendly atmosphere by smiling before shaking the agent’s hand when you meet him.

Step 2.Give him a thumbs-up and say:

«E aí mermão, beleza?»

Step 3.Pull out your previously prepared bogus receipt, pat him on the back and smile, saying:

«Aí, o negócio é o seguinte…»

(Your explanation should be dramatic, taking no less than four minutes.)

Step 4.Inquire as to the recent soccer scores and suggest discussing the issue at hand over uma estupidamente gelada.

Step 5.If you still haven’t received the desired response, put on an innocent face and say:

«Num dá pra dá um jeitinho?»

(You may not get out of paying the duty charges, but it’s always worth a try.)

The «jeitinho»:The Carioca will always try to find some way around a problem. This attitude is second nature to a Carioca and is referred to as the jeitinho(the Brazilian knack of getting around anything).