Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

A touch of Bauhaus:No need for those nasty interior decorating bills either. Designed for efficiency, the Carioca apartment will require very little furniture — a few pillows on the floor and a fan should do fine for the living room, while a bed and chair (to stack your clothes on) in the bedrooms should do the trick. The curtain rod in the shower works beautifully for those items still lingering on in your wardrobe that might need hanging.

If by chance you are an entomologist, you will be delighted with the variety of species your apartment will be furnished with. Then again, if you’re not, don’t panic. It’s nothing an old shoe can’t take care of.

The first Step you should take after renting an apartment is to develop a relationship with the porteiro[poh ‘tay rroo] (doorman), without a doubt the most important person in the building. Porteirosare not Cariocas; they come from the Northeast of Brazil. If not in the garage washing cars, in one of the apartments having a cafezinhowith a maid, or at the entrance reading someone else’s newspaper, a porteirocan usually be found in his living quarters with his wife and three children watching television. Greet him by saying the following:

«Е aí, mermão? Beleza?»:

«So hey, buddy? Everything cool?»

That way you will be guaranteed having your newspaper delivered by noon, your car «washed» daily, and your mail deposited on your doorstep at least twice a week. Also, because he is the only person who knows everyone in the building, your porteirowill be indispensable for:

• telling you if that gataupstairs has a boyfriend

• telling you if that gatãodownstairs has a girlfriend

• letting you know that your galeracame by while you were out

• doing very minor fix-ups in your apartment

• bringing the groceries up (especially if the electricity is off or the elevator is being serviced)

• letting the people on the floor above you know that you don’t appreciate their son’s drum playing at two a.m.

• finding empregadas[eyn prreh ‘gah dush] (maids) and faxineiras[fah shee ‘nay rrush] (cleaning women)

• keeping your car clean, and

• supplying you with the best tips for the Jogo do Bicho.

Note: Since the salary your porteiroreceives doesn’t include the above duties, when pursuing him for any services besides sitting by the entrance to your building, a tip will be required. Simply wad up a few small bills, put them in his hand while patting him on the back and say:

« Aí. Valeu! Tomaí pra cervejinha.»:

«Hey. Thanks! Here’s a little something for a beer.»

In order to free yourself for those more important items on your agenda, such as going to the beach, it is imperative that you hire an empregada. For a small tip, the porteirois sure to come up with a relative who will be available to begin work on Monday morning at seven o’clock sharp.

How to deal with your maid: When she arrives at eleven o’clock, your first Step will be to sit her down and firmly let her know exactly what you expect her to do.

It is important to keep in mind that maids will usually only do what you tell them. For example, if you request a turkey for Christmas dinner, don’t be surprised if that is all you find when you and your guests sit down at the dinner table. Also, since maids often come from small towns in the interior of Brazil or the Northeast, conveniences you might take for granted are completely foreign to them. To make my point, there is the case of one patroa[pah ‘trrow ah] (female boss) who, upon noticing there was no toilet tissue in the bathroom, asked her maid to please change it. When she went to use the facilities awhile later, the patroafound her maid carefully rolling tissue from the new roll to the empty one, sheet by sheet. The maid, of course, was not aware that the tissue holder was detachable from the wall!

Therefore, when dealing with your new maid, the following guidelines will help you get off on the right foot:

Demand a color television set for the kitchen.

Refuse to serve dinner after 8:30 p.m. since it would interfere with the novela das oito.

Break your favorite cafezinhocup and not tell you about it.

Ask for two nights a week off to dance at the forro(hick disco).

Use two kilos of sugar and one kilo of salt a week.

Leave all the lamps unplugged after cleaning behind the furniture.

Wax your antique dining room table with the floor waxer.

Go to the doctor once a week and only get back in time for dinner. Wear your clothes and drink your booze while you are away.

Get more telephone calls than you do.

Wash windows or wax floors; you will have to hire a faxineirafor that.

Arrive in time for breakfast on Monday morning.

Serve dinner on Fridays.

Work during Carnival.

Remember to give you your telephone messages.

Cook anything except for rice and beans until you teach her.

Answer the phone or the front door during her novela.

Speak on the phone for less than fifteen minutes at a time.

Calculating your maid’s salary:Depending on her experience, you can pay anything from one minimum wage on up. It’s a good idea to check with the porteirofirst to see how much others in your building are paving so as not to inflate the market. If you pay too much, the other maids in the building will demand raises — resulting in your getting dirty looks from your neighbors in the elevator. If you pay too little, your neighbors won’t hesitate to steal her away.

Once you are in agreement concerning her salary, you can simply calculate the amount to pay her each month by checking the newspaper for the current minimum wage. Then remember to watch the evening news on a daily basis just in case the government concedes some sort of bonus.

Aside from the monthly salary, social security payments, and her bus fare, you will also be expected to fork out for:

• doctor and dental expenses when the municipal hospital lines are too long, or the doctors are on strike,

• presents for her children at Christmas time,

• extra for a down payment on her mother’s television, and

• an advance for her to buy her Carnival parade costume.

By the time she has been with you for a year, remember to give her a month’s vacation, which means you will pay her one month’s salary plus a bonus of one-third so she can have some extra cash to visit her six children in the Northeast. And don’t forget to pay her a thirteenth month salary by the time the end of the year rolls by.

Firing your maid:If your maid has burned too many beans, sky-rocketed your phone bill, and fought with one too many faxineiras, it is probably time to send her packing. In this event, you will need to calculate how much to pay her to send her happily on her way.