Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

• Spend four hours at their favorite botecodrinking caipirinhasand eating a feijoada.

• Spend four hours at their favorite churrascaria drinking choppsand eating a rodízio.

• Meet the galeraat the botequimfor a few choppswhile discussing the weather.

• Go to the movies. (See Lesson 19, «Famous Carioca Lines.»)

Are you wondering how far you’ve traveled down the road to becoming a true Carioca? Fique numa boa!(Stay cool!) Take the following true or false quiz and test your Cariocaness:

T or F 1. Traffic in Rio flows like a dream.

T or F 2. Maracanã is a pasta dish.

T or F 3. The statue of Christ is on Sugar Loaf Mountain.

T or F 4. Cariocas never stay at the beach after five p.m.

T or F 5. Cariocas always park their cars right in front of where they’re planning to go.

T or F 6. A Carioca policeman is always polite and helpful.

T or F 7. When riding on a city bus you should always hang on for dear life.

T or F 8. If you’re not a local, expect a rip-off when taking a taxi.

T or F 9. Drivers in Rio are very respectful of the law and other drivers on the road.

T or F 10. There is always a place to park your car in Rio.

T or F 11. Your car is safe when there is a flanelinhaaround.

T or F 12. Someone will be leaning or sitting on your car when you return to it.

T or F 13. Your car may not be there when you return.

T or F 14. Cariocas only drink three beers.

T or F 15. Bathing suits in Rio are meant for swimming.

T or F 16. The beach is closed at night.

T or F 17. Batucadarhythms are made by drum playing only.

T or F 18. Cariocas love people from Sao Paulo.

T or F 19. A true Carioca will return home by two a.m.

T or F 20. If you’re under eighteen, drinking at bars will be very difficult.

T or F 21. Motels in Rio are meant for tired travelers.

T or F 22. Policemen in Rio are always on the up-and-up.

T or F 23. Politicians in Brazil are always on the up-and-up.

T or F 24. Soccer is a Carioca sport.

T or F 25. Surfing is a Carioca sport.

T or F 26. Hang gliding is a Carioca sport.

T or F 27. Scheming is a Carioca sport.

T or F 28. Appreciating women’s bundasis a Carioca sport.

T or F 29. A true Carioca does not need a tan.

T or F 30. The drivers triple parked in the drawing below will receive multas, and their cars will be towed away.

1. F.Nightmare is more like it.

2. F.Maybe after the fourth caipirinha.

3. F.You must have flunked geography if you missed this one.

4. F.Maybe, if it’s raining.

5. T.A parking space will be invented if there isn’t one.

6. T.As long as you are greasing his palm.

7. T.And also to your purse.

8. T.The heavier the accent, the more expensive the ride.

9. F.If you answered T,you’re in for a surprise.

10. F.Maybe after two a.m.

11. F.Your car is never safe in Rio.

12. T.If not trying to open it up.

13. T.Always carry extra money for a bus.

14. F.Only before the fourth one.

15. F.Not since the 1970s.

16. F.The beach is yours twenty-four hours a day!

17. F.A batucadais the use of anything available as a

percussion instrument.

18. F. Cariocas love to make fun of them.

19. F.Eight a.m. is more like it (in time for work).

20. F.Anybody who can reach the counter will be served.

21. F.Motels are for SEX!! If you are tired, you should go home.

22. T.And it snows in Rio.

23. F.And it snows in Brasilia.

24. T.Very much so.

25. T.Very much so.

26. T.Very much so.

27. T.Very much so, there is always some scheme going on.

28. T.Very much so, probably the most popular of all sports in Rio.

29. F.Yeah, right…

30. F.Yeah, right…

Aí, beleza mermão!(Hey, cool buddy!) It’s time to sell the farm and move to the big city. You are definitely a true Carioca at heart.

You are headed on the right track. Try eating a few more day-old coxinhas de galinhaat the boteco, and your score will improve, viu?

Aí! Qualé, seu gringo?(Hey! What’s up, you gringo?) Pull those polyesters back out of your closet, strap on your camera, and take a taxi to Corcovado. You are indeed a tourist, pal.

If the thought of going back to your six-digit corporate position and those payments on your house in the burbs is making you a «bit» tense, your next Step is obvious. Go ahead. Put your finger on that dial and tell your boss that you are staying in paradise, saying «Tchau»to your high- pressured job, and are kissing that tenth floor office (with a window) good-bye. It’s time you lived like a true Carioca. The following initial Steps should help you get settled in the Cidade Maravilhosa:

Your first Step towards living like a Carioca will be to rent a two-bedroom apartment. (You don’t want all those friends and family members who will be coming for extended visits to sleep on the floor, do you?) Be sure it has an ocean view and a veranda — so that you can appreciate the sites — and is situated no less than four blocks from the beach in the Zona Sul.

Living in a Carioca apartment you will be sharing your elevator with the other twelve apartments on your floor. Considered a bonus, sharing an elevator will offer you those optimum opportunities to meet your neighbors. Who knows? You could get in the elevator and find that special someone who, by chance, is taking his or her pet out for a walk. (Refer back to Lesson 16, «Carioca Romance.») Which reminds me, it is always wise to measure the elevator before signing that contract. You don’t want to have the unpleasant surprise of finding that, when it comes time to walk your pet, you have to use the stairs. Of course, unless you want to scrimp on aerobics classes and prefer running up several flights of stairs when the electricity is cut off, it is always a good idea to consider a lower floor when choosing your apartment.