Priscilla Goslin - How to Be a Carioca

Staying in:If it’s the end of the month and the Carioca is feeling the pinch on his wallet, staying in and watching the tube with his date is always an option. But if you plan to stay in like a Carioca, it is essential you get informed by tuning into the eight o’clock news before putting that movie into the DVD player. The daily news topics will include:

• the CPI[ceh peh ’ее] (government corruption scandal) of the day

• the price increases of the day

• the new coach for the national soccer team

• the current Formula One news

• the leader of the current soccer championship, and

• the weather, which will be sunny and clear to partially cloudy; subject to rain (but maybe not).

Don’t put in that DVD yet! Following the news comes the backbone of national television, the novela das oito. The stars of these prime time soap operas are national idols, and a true Carioca will go to great lengths not to miss a single episode. Imagine a soap opera starring Brad Pitt and Madonna, and you might get the picture.

Consequently, every night of the week between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m., with the exception of Sundays, a real Carioca will never:

• schedule a date

• make a phone call

• eat dinner

• entertain

• go to the local store for milk

• stop off at the gas station

• drop in on someone

• feed the family pet

Note: The only exception to this rule is when the hour-long show, affectionately referred to as Quem Rouba Mais(Who Steals More), is aired simultaneously on every television station directly following the eight o’clock news. For months prior to elections, this enlightening program is generously sponsored by the various national political parties: namely the PCB, PC do B, PDT, PFL, PHS, PL, PMDB, PRTB, PSB, PSC, PSDB, PSDC, PSL, PT, PT do B, PTB, PTN, PV, etc.

NOW is the time for that DVD. And remember, before saying good night to your date, be sure to make the appropriate body contact with ALL of her relatives who have been sitting in front the tube with you.

Being a Carioca is a state of mind that knows no age boundaries. Therefore, if you are a parent, it is important that your offspring follow in your footsteps down the road to becoming a true Carioca.

The following phrases are the heart of the Carioca child’s vocabulary, all of which may be directed at the nursemaid, maid, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, or any other able being who happens to be in the vicinity.

As a matter of fact, some Carioca children will even continue to successfully use these phrases well into adulthood:

«Eu quero»[ayoo ’keeeeeeeeeeeeeh rroo]: «I want.» (As in «Eu quero um sorvete.»: «I want an ice cream.»)

«Me da»[meeeeeee ’daaaaaaaaaahh]: «Give me.»

«Num quero»[noom ’keeeeeeeh rroo]: «I don’t want.» (As in «Num quero legumes.»: «I don’t want any vegetables.»)

«Num fui eu»[noom foy ’ayoo]: «It wasn’t me.»

For maximum effectiveness when using any one of these phrases, your Carioca child should:

• repeat it at least five times,

• shout it in the loudest voice possible,

• never interrupt whatever it is he or she is doing when using it, and

• direct the phrase to everyone and anyone (preferably family members and maids).

Since Carioca children are NOT very fond of variety when it comes to food, they are very easy to feed. To avoid any problems, though, while at home or at a restaurant, only nourish your Carioca child with the following:

• bife[’bee fee]: a thin steak

• batata frita[bah tah tah ’frree tah]: french fries

• arroz e feijão[ah ’hoiz ее fey ’jown]: rice and beans

• macarrão[mah kah ’hown]: noodles

Obs.: It is imperative that you never place anything else, especially if it’s green, on or near your Carioca child’s plate. And unless your child is drinking a soft drink, be sure to put at least three heaping tablespoons of sugar in the glass before serving it-and that includes milk.

Naturally, as a Carioca parent you will expect a lot from your offspring. You will expect your child to study hard, get good grades, have nice friends, come home early, and not get involved with people of dubious character. But a few things you should never expect your Carioca child to do are:

• work as a cashier or in the kitchen at McDonald’s during summer vacation,

• do volunteer work at a child care center after school,

• work serving tables to earn money to buy a car, or

• do any housework.

In return, your child will want:

• a mesada(allowance),

• a trip to Disney World,

• a car when he or she turns sixteen, and

• presents on Children’s Day (October 12).

Demand lunch.

Go to the beach.

Have lessons in English or French at the local language school.

Take Judo lessons at a nearby academy.

Have ballet lessons in Copacabana.

Swim laps with the local athletic club’s swimming team.

Play futebol de botao(button soccer) with the other pirralhos(noisy, irritating little ones) in his apartment building’s game room. Watch dubbed Japanese adventure programs or the afternoon novela(soap opera) reruns on television.

Stay after school for cheer leading or sports team practice.

Have a part-time job at the local ice cream parlor.

Earn allowance money by raking the leaves in the back yard. Baby-sit the neighbor’s kids to save enough for new clothes.

Go home to clean up his or her room.

Help out Mom by washing or drying dishes.

Do any laundry.

Wash or wax the car.

Study.

If you have the urge to gamble while in Rio, you are in luck. Although the government outlawed casinos in the early fifties, many gambling options — legal and not so legal — are available, and the true Carioca will earmark a healthy portion of his monthly paycheck to try his luck at all of them.

Jogo do Bicho(Animal Game): Other than traffic violations, the Jogo do Bichonumbers racket is probably the most tolerated illegal activity in Rio. On just about every street corner in Rio you will come across a group of people milling around an individual sitting on a crate behind a small wooden desk, selling what appear to be little pieces of paper with numbers on them. These numbers correspond to animals — there are some twenty-one animals to choose from. To bet just choose the animal that appeared in your dreams the night before. Once a day the winning number will be announced over the radio, and if you are the lucky winner, you might receive about twenty-to-one on your initial investment.