F. Gerson - 21 Steps To Happiness

“That won’t be a problem, Miss Green.”

Just like that. I follow Roxanne into first class. “These flights are such a drag,” she whispers as they serve us two champagne flutes and a tray of canapés to make it just about tolerable. “We’ll keep each other company and you can tell me all about your big job at Muriel B!” Another laugh escapes her perfectly shaped mouth.

Oh, God!

“And remember to tell Muriel—you only fly losers and sales reps in business.” She’s about to give me back my boarding pass but takes a better look at it. “Blanchett?” she reads.

I can practically hear the bell of recognition in her head.

“You wouldn’t happen to know—”

“Yep,” I interrupt. “She’s my mother.”

You should see the look on Roxanne’s face. I thought for a second she was choking on one of the lovely canapés she threw in her mouth. “You’re Jodie Blanchett’s daughter. But, darling, it’s…IMPOSSIBLE!”

I gulp my champagne. I’m Jodie-freaking-Blanchett’s daughter. That’s just the way it is.

Jodie Blanchett, the designer behind the revival of denim chic.

Jodie Blanchett, the guru of anorexia clothing.

Jodie Blanchett, the worst mother on the entire planet and the one person responsible for putting me on this plane.

“I know Jodie very well and…she never mentioned any daughter!”

Typical Jodie. She always introduces me as family, never uses the actual word daughter. “I grew up with Dad,” I say to clarify the obvious un-Jodieness about me.

“Whose your dad? I must know him!”

“Bill Blanchett.”

“Bill Blanchett? Never heard of him.”

“Dad is a…” I’m about to say simple guy, but that’s such a bad way to sum up Dad. He is all that Jodie’s not. Caring, loving, there for me. Their marriage lasted less than a week. Jodie once told me she loved the sound of Jodie Blanchett. I’m just the by-product of her quest for a flashy name. “Dad worked in a club she used to go to,” I explain. “Like centuries ago.”

“Well, your mother was a real trouper, wasn’t she. Party party party!” Roxanne points a toothpick at me. “She was my absolute idol back in the eighties! Very liberated! Do you know I was one of the very first people to buy her paper clothes?”

The paper collection put Jodie on the map. Then came the perfume and the cosmetics line. The rest is history.

“I used to hang out a lot with her. We were very good friends. You know, back in the days….” Roxanne laughs again and the sound is quickly becoming annoying. “I don’t see her at all anymore. It’s like she…disappeared.”

“She lives a very secluded life,” I say.

It’s actually a miracle she came out of her lair to drive me to the airport.

I mean, she didn’t drive me, of course. Her chauffeur did.

“Muriel is all you’re not,” Jodie had told me during the ride while helping herself to a mineral water from the limo minibar. “She’s been an item since she was a child. She’s eccentric. Charming. She’s a social animal. She knows everybody and everybody knows her. And she also speaks many languages,” she concluded to answer her cell phone.

I opened the old copy of Learn French in 10 Days she offered me and looked through the first pages while she was having an angry cell-phone conversation about importing fur from Kazakhstan.

Day 1 was fairly easy and all about finding a bus stop. Day 2 was a real challenge as it encompassed buying bread in a French bakery.

Je voudrais une baguette de pain s’il vous plaît. How was that going to help in Paris? I was positive that buying bread wasn’t part of my job description. I couldn’t fall back on Day 1 either because I was also darn sure Muriel Boutonnière was not going to ask me directions to the next bus stop.

L’arrêt de bus se trouve à coté de la mairie.

Please.

How could anyone ever manage two languages in one head anyway?

Jodie disconnected her cell phone. “Did William give you some spending money?”

Jodie’s the only person in the world who calls Dad William. Everyone else calls him Bill.

“I have my credit card.”

“I mean real money,” she said and took an envelope from her handbag.

I opened it. It contained a large wad of Euros. Jodie is like the mob, she only believes in cash.

“I can’t take that,” I protested.

She laughed. “Why?”

“It’s too much money.”

“Don’t be so common!” She put her shades on, protecting herself from my commonness. “You’re Jodie Blanchett’s daughter. People will expect you to pay for everything. And you will! I don’t want you to seem cheap, it would reflect poorly on me.” She tapped on the driver’s shoulder as we approached the terminal. “To the Minute-Drop!”

I tried not to make a face, but she looked at me and sighed. “I can’t go inside the terminal. Not at this time of day. There are all…those people.”

I sat there beside Jodie, uncomfortable as usual, trying to think of something to say or to do that would impress her. Or at least get her attention. But she was already back on her cell phone, this time yelling at her PA and complaining about how U.S. Customs is ruining the fashion industry.

“Thank you, Jodie,” I said when I got out of the limousine.

She put her cell phone on the side for a second.

“Thank you?”

“For arranging all this,” I said, pointing at the terminal.

And for giving me the chance to show you I can be the kind of girl you’d actually claim as your daughter.

She looked annoyed. She doesn’t like thank-yous or goodbyes. It’s her excuse to run away from people pronto and without ceremony. “Please, Lynn. Don’t turn it into another mess,” she said and they immediately drove away.

I want this!

I’ve always wanted this!

To be given a chance!

I look at myself in the mirror. There is such a difference between the person I want to be and this gross image I see. I’m a small chunky girl just out of college trying to look like a fashion guru about to tackle Paris.

I’m nothing like Jodie. Nothing at all.

I know that’s exactly what they expect in Paris. That’s what they paid for. Jodie II: a younger, kinkier, sexier, thinner version of the genius mother.

And all they’re going to get is me.

Untalented!

Inexperienced!

Unqualified!

I sit on the toilet. I hide my face in my hands and refocus.

I am Lynn Blanchett.

That’s Blanchett with two t’s, dammit!

I AM fab! I AM glam! I AM…going to be sick!

Focus focus. FOCUS!

Knock, knock.

“Yes?”

“We’re about to take off, miss. You should go back to your seat.”

I walk through the first-class cabin. Look at those people. I don’t belong here. I’d be better off with the sales reps in Business.

Roxanne looks particularly excited when I get back into my seat. She drops her magazine and whispers in my ear. “Don’t look back. Hubert Barclay is coming our way.”

Hubert who?

“He’s been trying to date me forever. Seriously! A womanizer like him. You must know Hubert?”

“Well…”

“He is so low. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was hunting in your age group. He’s such a disgusting man.”

I throw a quick glance in the aisle to see who she’s talking about but all I see is a very handsome man walking toward us. Late thirties. Tall. Athletic. Elegant. It can’t be the one she’s talking about, because…

“Oh, Roxanne! Tsk, tsk! Going to Paris and not telling me, again.”

Wait a minute! What’s so disgusting about him?

“So sorry, Hubert. Lynn and I are having a girls-only pleasure trip. You know Lynn? Jodie Blanchett’s daughter?”