Celeste Barber - Challenge Accepted! - 253 Steps to Becoming an Anti-It Girl

Copyright Copyright Dedication Pilot The One Where I Thought I Would Flip Inside Out The One Where I Discovered Ritalin, My Childhood (Not So) Imaginary Friend The One About My Dad The One Where I Danced a Lot The One With the Gross Man The One About My Fake Brother, Michael The One Where I Was Bullied at School, I Think Dear Wine The One About Falling in Love With Comedy The One About Surviving Drama School The One With the Other Gross Man The One About Sparky The One About Thomas The One With #hothusband Dear LGBTQI Community The One Where My Heart Was Cut Open The One About My Breasts The One About My Mum The One About Jo and How I Got in Trouble at Yoga The One Where I Discovered Being Famous on Instagram is Like Being Rich in Monopoly The One Where I Went to America Dear Hangover The One When Harry Met Celeste The One Where I Became an #accidental(role)model The One About Loving Our Bodies #bopo The One With the Totally Authentic 100% Genuine 28-Day Guide to Being Hangry The One Where I Explain Why I Don’t Hate Hot People The One No One Cares About The One Where I Became an Anti-influencer The Last One Part 1 The Last One Part 2 Dear Parents Endnotes About the Publisher

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Australia by HarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty Limited 2018

First published in the UK by HarperCollins Publishers 2018

FIRST EDITION

Text © Celeste Barber 2018

Cover design by Mark Campbell © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2018

Cover photograph © Corrie Bond, Vivien’s Creative

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Celeste Barber asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

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Source ISBN: 9780008327255

Ebook Edition © September 2018 ISBN: 9780008327262

Version 2018-09-13

Dedication Dedication Pilot The One Where I Thought I Would Flip Inside Out The One Where I Discovered Ritalin, My Childhood (Not So) Imaginary Friend The One About My Dad The One Where I Danced a Lot The One With the Gross Man The One About My Fake Brother, Michael The One Where I Was Bullied at School, I Think Dear Wine The One About Falling in Love With Comedy The One About Surviving Drama School The One With the Other Gross Man The One About Sparky The One About Thomas The One With #hothusband Dear LGBTQI Community The One Where My Heart Was Cut Open The One About My Breasts The One About My Mum The One About Jo and How I Got in Trouble at Yoga The One Where I Discovered Being Famous on Instagram is Like Being Rich in Monopoly The One Where I Went to America Dear Hangover The One When Harry Met Celeste The One Where I Became an #accidental(role)model The One About Loving Our Bodies #bopo The One With the Totally Authentic 100% Genuine 28-Day Guide to Being Hangry The One Where I Explain Why I Don’t Hate Hot People The One No One Cares About The One Where I Became an Anti-influencer The Last One Part 1 The Last One Part 2 Dear Parents Endnotes About the Publisher

For JoJo, Mark and Nic.

Come back now, please, I’ve got so much to tell you.

YASS, CONTENTS!

@ritaora

The One With All the Content

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Pilot

The One Where I Thought I Would Flip Inside Out

The One Where I Discovered Ritalin, My Childhood (Not So) Imaginary Friend

The One About My Dad

The One Where I Danced a Lot

The One With the Gross Man

The One About My Fake Brother, Michael

The One Where I Was Bullied at School, I Think

Dear Wine

The One About Falling in Love With Comedy

The One About Surviving Drama School

The One With the Other Gross Man

The One About Sparky

The One About Thomas

The One With #hothusband

Dear LGBTQI Community

The One Where My Heart Was Cut Open

The One About My Breasts

The One About My Mum

The One About Jo and How I Got in Trouble at Yoga

The One Where I Discovered Being Famous on Instagram is Like Being Rich in Monopoly

The One Where I Went to America

Dear Hangover

The One When Harry Met Celeste

The One Where I Became an #accidental(role)model

The One About Loving Our Bodies #bopo

The One With the Totally Authentic 100% Genuine 28-Day Guide to Being Hangry

The One Where I Explain Why I Don’t Hate Hot People

The One No One Cares About

The One Where I Became an Anti-influencer

The Last One Part 1

The Last One Part 2

Dear Parents

Endnotes

About the Publisher

Pilot

WELL HELLO, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE SAUCEPOTS. Thank you for buying my book (or thank you for acting excited when it was given to you by your sister-in-law, who probably bought it last minute while running through the airport trying not to miss family Christmas).

I bet you’re thinking, ‘She’s just like me!’ – except when you saw the cover and probably realised that I’ve completely got my head up my own arse. And I know for sure that my primary school tutor – let’s just call her Mrs Fleet – is thinking, ‘Oh my God, if this chick can get a book deal, then anything is possible.’ And you’re right, Mrs Fleet, anything is possible, even though you treated me like I was illiterate when we all knew I was dyslexic with ADD.

This book is a massive deal for me, not only because the profits will help keep my grey hair under control, but because y’all have been super-kind and supportive of me and my stuff, and buying this book is a part of that. (No, you shut up; you’re getting emotional in the intro.)

The closest I ever got to writing a book was at primary school, when most recesses and lunchtimes were spent writing lines: ‘I will not talk back to the teacher. I will not talk back to the teacher.’ And I filled up those pages pretty quickly. So I’m hoping this will be pretty similar.

I love writing. Even though I’m no wordsmith – I spell and read words phonetically, and autocorrect can’t fix or find replacements for 98 per cent of what I write – I’ve always enjoyed expressing myself with a pen and paper. That was until I started writing this book, and now I’m so fucking stressed that I want to go and scream into a pillow. But how good is the cover, right?!

Now, for those of you thinking, ‘Oh God, I just spent actual money on a book by a girl who is only good at taking inappropriate unflattering photos of herself’ – never fear! I’m going to tackle a lot of big issues in this book, from how rich Bill Gates really is to why laser hair removal is more effective on dark hair than on fair hair. *