Celeste Barber - Challenge Accepted!

Copyright

HarperCollins Publishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Australia by HarperCollins Publishers Australia Pty Limited 2018

First published in the UK by HarperCollins Publishers 2018

FIRST EDITION

Text © Celeste Barber 2018

Cover design by Mark Campbell © HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2018

Cover photograph © Corrie Bond, Vivien’s Creative

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

Celeste Barber asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Find out about HarperCollins and the environment at www.harpercollins.co.uk/green

Source ISBN: 9780008327255

Ebook Edition © March 2020 ISBN: 9780008327262

Version 2020-01-28

Dedication

For JoJo, Mark and Nic.

Come back now, please, I’ve got so much to tell you.

YASS, CONTENTS!

@ritaora

The One With All the Content

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Pilot

The One Where I Thought I Would Flip Inside Out

The One Where I Discovered Ritalin, My Childhood (Not So) Imaginary Friend

The One About My Dad

The One Where I Danced a Lot

The One With the Gross Man

The One About My Fake Brother, Michael

The One Where I Was Bullied at School, I Think

Dear Wine

The One About Falling in Love With Comedy

The One About Surviving Drama School

The One With the Other Gross Man

The One About Sparky

The One About Thomas

The One With #hothusband

Dear LGBTQI Community

The One Where My Heart Was Cut Open

The One About My Breasts

The One About My Mum

The One About Jo and How I Got in Trouble at Yoga

The One Where I Discovered Being Famous on Instagram is Like Being Rich in Monopoly

The One Where I Went to America

Dear Hangover

The One When Harry Met Celeste

The One Where I Became an #accidental(role)model

The One About Loving Our Bodies #bopo

The One With the Totally Authentic 100% Genuine 28-Day Guide to Being Hangry

The One Where I Explain Why I Don’t Hate Hot People

The One No One Cares About

The One Where I Became an Anti-influencer

The Last One Part 1

The Last One Part 2

Dear Parents

Endnotes

About the Publisher

Pilot

WELL HELLO, YOU CHEEKY LITTLE SAUCEPOTS. Thank you for buying my book (or thank you for acting excited when it was given to you by your sister-in-law, who probably bought it last minute while running through the airport trying not to miss family Christmas).

I bet you’re thinking, ‘She’s just like me!’ – except when you saw the cover and probably realised that I’ve completely got my head up my own arse. And I know for sure that my primary school tutor – let’s just call her Mrs Fleet – is thinking, ‘Oh my God, if this chick can get a book deal, then anything is possible.’ And you’re right, Mrs Fleet, anything is possible, even though you treated me like I was illiterate when we all knew I was dyslexic with ADD.

This book is a massive deal for me, not only because the profits will help keep my grey hair under control, but because y’all have been super-kind and supportive of me and my stuff, and buying this book is a part of that. (No, you shut up; you’re getting emotional in the intro.)

The closest I ever got to writing a book was at primary school, when most recesses and lunchtimes were spent writing lines: ‘I will not talk back to the teacher. I will not talk back to the teacher.’ And I filled up those pages pretty quickly. So I’m hoping this will be pretty similar.

I love writing. Even though I’m no wordsmith – I spell and read words phonetically, and autocorrect can’t fix or find replacements for 98 per cent of what I write – I’ve always enjoyed expressing myself with a pen and paper. That was until I started writing this book, and now I’m so fucking stressed that I want to go and scream into a pillow. But how good is the cover, right?!

Now, for those of you thinking, ‘Oh God, I just spent actual money on a book by a girl who is only good at taking inappropriate unflattering photos of herself’ – never fear! I’m going to tackle a lot of big issues in this book, from how rich Bill Gates really is to why laser hair removal is more effective on dark hair than on fair hair. *

Here are five reasons why buying this book was a good idea:

1. You went into a bookshop to get it, yay! Everyone wants to fuck someone who pretends to be smart. Or if you got it online, you can just click straight back over to Pornhub *after purchasing it and get your fix there – whatever blows your hair back.

2. If you hate it, you can totally regift it to a middle-aged woman named Beverly – they seem to think I’m pretty cool.

3. By purchasing this book, you have helped me buy school shoes for my kids. They say thank you for that.

4. People will think you’re a feminist, and everyone loves a feminist. Just ask Germaine Greer.

5. If Brandi Glanville (google her, she’ll love it) can write a New York Times bestseller, then so can I.

What a magical experience.

@ciara

@bondsaus

The One Where I Thought I Would Flip Inside Out

I’ve never really known how people start books, especially memoirs. And especially not one by someone who is 36, which is kind of weird considering I haven’t even started my second and chosen career as the new and slightly less busty Michelle Visage. So I thought I’d just jump straight in with one of my favourite stories. Here it is, the story about the day I met my first son and how my once-neat vagina became one big hole.

* * *

DOES ANYONE REALLY PLAN PREGNANCIES? I mean seriously? In my experience, they have been a bloody big surprise, and not the delivery-guy-turned-up-with-something-you-forgot-you-bought-online-weeks-earlier kind of surprise, but more of a ‘sorry we are out of bacon today’ kind of surprise at your local café. It’s unnerving at the beginning, but you know it’s the best thing for you in the long run.

I have four kids. I have two boys of my very own who came tearing out of me, and I inherited two girls as a package deal with my husband, Api. Sahra was two and Kyah was four when I first met them. I have been a stepmother since the age of 21.