Liz Fraser - The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide

10. Insomnia

There’s a lot going on in your mind, and as the baby starts to move about and get more cumbersome, sleeping becomes very tricky. So unfair, given how much you need to stock up on the stuff—where’s the evolutionary advantage of insomnia then, Darwin?

11. Uncomfortable bump

Now that you are finally getting BIG, you will notice knock-on effects such as back pain, aching tummy muscles (if you still have any), and trouble getting comfortable, especially at night. This is a good time to start sleeping with a pillow between your legs, because it makes the bump pull down less, and if you can pretend that it’s Johnny Depp and not a pillow at all, then you won’t mind all the insomnia. Sorted.

12. Cravings

I hate to burst a somewhat amusing and traditional bubble, but cravings are a hugely over-emphasised part of early pregnancy. Gherkins with cream, charcoal and raw onions are all the stuff of hearsay and fantasy, because the truth is a whole lot less exciting. Sorry.

Here are some cravings I can vouch for, as related to me by several Mummy friends: fresh fruit smoothies, sweet and sour Chinese food, iceberg lettuce, roll-mop herrings, vinegar (my mum used to drink it, which may explain a few thing about me…), strawberries (one lady could smell them from 800 metres away!), strong curry, ice-cream and black olives.

I never craved anything, apart from a flatter stomach, but I did go off things I had previously adored: Marmite made me retch, hot chocolate (which I had previously guzzled in pints) suddenly smelled like rotten cider, and I couldn’t eat lettuce at all. Disaster! I had no problem with coffee, which is supposed to make all pregnant women feel sick, and even alcohol never lost its appeal. Here’s hoping you experience some wacky cravings to tell your children and Yummy Mummy friends about. It’s kind of expected…

13. Skin

Despite what your partner may try to tell you, the skin is the biggest organ in the human body. (Worth remembering for times when a severe put-down is required—any time he tries to have sex with you when you are in a bad mood for example. ) It’s really no surprise, then, that an event as physically demanding as pregnancy will have some effect on your skin. You may even get more skin problems after the birth than during the pregnancy itself.

In my case, the biggest skin problem was hyper-pigmentation.

Hyper-what?

Pigmentation. What started as sweet-looking freckles around my nose and dotted across my forehead (very Milly Molly Mandy; very cute), grew into patches of darker skin all over the place. Suddenly, this stopped being cute and started to be unsightly.

Early attempts to cover this up with foundation were successful, but as the months progressed the dark patches became so noticeable in the middle of my face that no amount of slap and powder would hide them properly, and they began to make me miserable. The final straw came when my peach-skinned three-year-old asked, in that levelling way only three-year-olds can get away with: ‘Mummy, what are those horrid brown marks on your face? Did the baby make them?’ Grrrr.

Time for some science. Ahem!

Skin discolouration, or pigmentation, is the result of increased local melanin production. Melanin is the skin pigment which protects us from the effects of strong sunlight (you knew that), but often, due to environmental or internal influences (I’d say pregnancy is probably a fairly hefty internal influence), the skin produces more melanin than it needs. During pregnancy, our good old friends oestrogen and progesterone are thought to cause greater stimulation of the pigment, resulting in hyper-pigmented skin spots. (You didn’t know that !)

Luckily for you, cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies have been quick to cash in on the increasing awareness of this problem, and the number of ‘skin-lightening’ and ‘blanching’ products, which aim (and claim) to remove, or at least lessen, pigmented areas, is rising.

These either stop the melanin being produced or act as superexfoliators, penetrating the skin, removing the old cells and increasing the production of new, unpigmented ones.

I peeled, masked and creamed religiously for six months after the birth, and I am pleased to report a dramatic improvement. Whether this would have happened anyway, I’ll never know, but just doing something about it felt better than sitting the ugliness out.

Before you rush out to fill your rather lovely Anya Hindmarch tote with acids and peels, here is some life-changing advice from one of the UK’s best dermatologists: photocopy it and stick it to your bathroom mirror.

A good sunscreen is a woman’s most important weapon against skin pigmentation. You should wear it every day, even in winter or on overcast days, and you should apply two coats half an hour before you go out. There’s no point treating your pigmentation marks unless you also use a sunscreen of at least factor sixty every day. Finally, always wear a hat and try to stay in the shade.

You heard the man! I never leave the house without at least one coat of factor sixty all over my face these days, my hat collection has almost outgrown my bedroom, and the same is now true of sunglasses, but can a girl ever own too many?

Some skin lightening products you might like to try:

Dermalogica: Skin Brightening System.

Elizabeth Arden: Visible Whitening Pure Intensive Capsules.

Lancome: Blanc Expert range, and Absolute Radiance Anti-Dark Spot Concentrate.

Guinot: Lightening Serum, Lightening Mask,and Lightening Creamreduce melanin synthesis and lighten the skin.

And some excellent cover-up products to hide the damage:

Stila: Illuminating Liquid Foundation, and Face Concealer, which blends brilliantly, allowing you to wear it on its own.

Jo Malone Finishing Fluid.Smells divine, goes on like cream, and leaves even my skin looking remarkably even-toned. This is fabulous stuff.

Bobbi Brown: Foundation Stickgives very good coverage, and it’s a great pop-in-your-handbag product.

14. Alien

Somewhere around the fourth month you will be convinced you have turned into Sigourney Weaver. Not because you suddenly grow six inches taller, develop dramatic cheekbones and achieve a perfect smile, but because a creature will start moving around inside you.

This is one of the weirdest, best and worst things about pregnancy: weirdest because—well, how weird can it get? There’s a human being moving inside you! The best because it connects you so strongly with your baby, and worst because it can get very uncomfortable and sore if there’s a mini David Beckham in there.

The first time you feel your baby move seems more like trapped air bubbles jiggling about in your tummy than a foot or hand doing anything interesting, and you may not notice anything for quite a while. As these sensations grow into more noticeable jiggles, you might wonder what you’ve been eating recently, until finally, one day when you’re least expecting it, you will feel a kick!

This is a fantastic moment, and the only shame is that your partner can’t share what you feel. This is the moment you finally believe you are pregnant.

As the weeks go by, these movements will get very strong, and towards the end there can be all kinds of bones, limbs, digits and other unidentifiable body parts jutting out under your ribcage, out of your tummy button or near your pelvis. I used to love all of this, but I know lots of mums who found it far too peculiar. I would spend hours in the bath talking to my internal gymnast, massaging a protruding bottom, or tickling a cheeky foot. It sounds crazy, but it sure beats depressing yourself about how big your legs are getting near the top!