Jeanette Winterson - Lighthousekeeping

For Deborah Warner

‘Remember you must die’

MURIEL SPARK

‘Remember you must live’

ALI SMITH

Cover Page

Title Page Lighthousekeeping Jeanette Winterson

Epigraph ‘Remember you must die’ MURIEL SPARK ‘Remember you must live’ ALI SMITH

TWO ATLANTICS TWO ATLANTICS

My mother called me Silver. I was born part precious metal part pirate.

A beginning, a middle and an end is the proper way to tell a story. But I have difficulty with that method.

KNOWN POINT IN THE DARKNESS

As an apprentice to lighthousekeeping my duties were as follows:

Cliff-perched, wind-cleft,

Tell me a story, Pew.

To make an end of it Dark had decided to marry.

TENANT OF THE SUN

The moon shone the night white.

The door was his body.

Tell me the story, Pew.

GREAT EXHIBITION

This way to the Cobra. Wonders of the East!

Pew – why didn’t my mother marry my father?

A stranger in his own life,

How were you born, Pew?

The mystery of Pew was a mercury of fact.

That day in the lighthouse

Eyes like a faraway ship, Pew was sleeping.

Tell me a story, Pew.

A PLACE BEFORE THE FLOOD

Dark was walking his dog along the cliff path

It was our last day as ourselves.

A place before the Flood.

Tell me a story, Silver.

NEW PLANET

This is not a love story, but love is in it. That is, love is just outside it, looking for a way to break in.

Dark was looking at the moon.

I sometimes think of myself, up at Am Parbh.

TALKING BIRD

Two facts about Silver: It reflects 95% of its own light. It is one of the few precious metals that can be safely eaten in small quantities.

The seahorse was in his pocket.

1859

Tell me a story, Silver.

SOME WOUNDS

Some wounds never heal.

The pot of Full Strength Samson was finished.

Tell me a story, Silver.

Love is an unarmed intruder.

Pew

THE HUT

This is a love story.

His heart was beating like light.

Tell me a story, Silver.

Part broken part whole, you begin again.

P.S.

About the author

From Innocence to Experience

LIFE AT A GLANCE

WRITING LIVES

Top Ten Books

About the book

Endless Possibilities

Read On

Have You Read?

Find Out More

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Praise

By the same author

Copyright

About the Publisher

I have no father. There’s nothing unusual about that, even children who do have fathers are often surprised to see them. My own father came out of the sea and went back that way. He was crew on a fishing boat that harboured with us one night when the waves were crashing like dark glass. His splintered hull shored him for long enough to drop anchor inside my mother.

Shoals of babies vied for life.

I won.

I lived in a house cut steep into the bank. The chairs had to be nailed to the floor, and we were never allowed to eat spaghetti. We ate food that stuck to the plate – shepherd’s pie, goulash, risotto, scrambled egg. We tried peas once – what a disaster – and sometimes we still find them, dusty and green in the corners of the room.

Some people are raised on a hill, others in the valley. Most of us are brought up on the flat. I came at life at an angle, and that’s how I’ve lived ever since.

At night my mother tucked me into a hammock slung cross-wise against the slope. In the gentle sway of the night, I dreamed of a place where I wouldn’t be fighting gravity with my own body weight. My mother and I had to rope us together like a pair of climbers, just to achieve our own front door. One slip, and we’d be on the railway line with the rabbits.

‘You’re not an outgoing type,’ she said to me, though this may have had much to do with the fact that going out was such a struggle. While other children were bid farewell with a casual, ‘Have you remembered your gloves?’ I got, ‘Did you do up all the buckles on your safety harness?’

Why didn’t we move house?

My mother was a single parent and she had conceived out of wedlock. There had been no lock on her door that night when my father came to call. So she was sent up the hill, away from the town, with the curious result that she looked down on it.

Salts. My home town. A sea-flung, rock-bitten, sand-edged shell of a town. Oh, and a lighthouse.

They say you can tell something of a person’s life by observing their body. This is certainly true of my dog. My dog has back legs shorter than his front legs, on account of always digging in at one end, and always scrambling up at the other. On ground level he walks with a kind of bounce that adds to his cheerfulness. He doesn’t know that other dogs’ legs are the same length all the way round. If he thinks at all, he thinks that every dog is like him, and so he suffers none of the morbid introspection of the human race, which notes every curve from the norm with fear or punishment.

‘You’re not like other children,’ said my mother. ‘And if you can’t survive in this world, you had better make a world of your own.’

The eccentricities she described as mine were really her own. She was the one who hated going out. She was the one who couldn’t live in the world she had been given. She longed for me to be free, and did everything she could to make sure it never happened.

We were strapped together like it or not. We were climbing partners.

And then she fell.

This is what happened.

The wind was strong enough to blow the fins off a fish. It was Shrove Tuesday, and we had been out to buy flour and eggs to make pancakes. At one time we kept our own hens, but the eggs rolled away, and we had the only hens in the world who had to hang on by their beaks while they tried to lay.

I was excited that day, because tossing pancakes was something you could do really well in our house – the steep slope under the oven turned the ritual of loosening and tossing into a kind of jazz. My mother danced while she cooked because she said it helped her to keep her balance.

Up she went, carrying the shopping, and pulling me behind her like an after-thought. Then some new thought must have clouded her mind, because she suddenly stopped and half-turned, and in that moment the wind blew like a shriek, and her own shriek was lost as she slipped.

In a minute she had dropped past me, and I was hanging on to one of our spiny shrubs – escallonia, I think it was, a salty shrub that could withstand the sea and the blast. I could feel its roots slowly lifting like a grave opening. I kicked the toes of my shoes into the sandy bank, but the ground wouldn’t give. We were both going to fall, falling away from the cliff face to a blacked-out world.

I couldn’t hang on any longer. My fingers were bleeding. Then, as I closed my eyes, ready to drop and drop, all the weight behind me seemed to lift. The bush stopped moving. I pulled myself up on it and scrambled behind it.

I looked down.

My mother had gone. The rope was idling against the rock. I pulled it towards me over my arm, shouting, ‘Mummy! Mummy!’

The rope came faster and faster, burning the top of my wrist as I coiled it next to me. Then the double buckle came. Then the harness. She had undone the harness to save me.

Ten years before I had pitched through space to find the channel of her body and come to earth. Now she had pitched through her own space, and I couldn’t follow her.