Chloe Seager - Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

Right?!

Ughhh. Why am I so nervous?! This is ridiculous. I CAN DO THIS.

posted by EditingEmma 16.15

I Can’t Do This

When Gracie picked up the phone she sounded really, really baffled.

‘ Emma? ’ she asked as if recalling a distant memory, like when the old woman at the end of Titanic is looking at her belongings from the wreckage.

‘Yes, hello.’

Then I heard her dad say ‘Who is it?’ in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ she said.

‘Emma?’ he replied.

‘Emma,’ she said again.

‘Yes, for God’s sake, it’s me, EMMA,’ I shouted. ‘It’s not like Willie Thomas is calling you.’

(Willie Thomas is a boy who stands really close to girls at school so he can loom over their breasts. He also mouth breathes.)

‘Ew, why would he?’

‘Well, that’s exactly my point.’

‘You rang to tell me that you’re not Willie Thomas?’

‘I… Forget it. What are you doing?’

‘Nothing much,’ she said. ‘ Why? ’

‘No reason. God! Why are you so suspicious?’

‘… I’m playing a board game with my dad,’ she said.

‘Cool. Can I come over?’

‘You want to play a board game? With my dad?’

‘Yes.’

‘ Why? ’

‘FOR GOD’S SAKE. I’M NOT WILLIE THOMAS.’

We got there eventually, but that was painful . We’ve arranged to hang out later… Oh God. What if it’s awful?! What if we have absolutely nothing to say to each other without Steph and Faith?! I must keep reminding myself… it can’t be any worse than some of the awful dates I went on last term. Right?!

RIGHT?!

posted by EditingEmma 17.45

Lingering on Gracie’s Front Path

I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas.

posted by EditingEmma 19.31

I Might As Well Be Willie Thomas

Well, that was uncomfortable.

I got there at five thirty and I’m home at seven thirty. That should tell you something about how awkward that was.

When I finally knocked on the door (after lingering on the path for a good fifteen minutes), Gracie opened it and looked a little bit surprised to see me.

‘Hi?’ she said, questioningly.

‘Hi,’ I said.

But she didn’t let me in.

‘We did say I was coming over, right?’ I asked.

‘Oh, yeah, right,’ she said, and finally moved aside.

I took off my shoes and we both stood for a while.

You could have heard a pin drop.

‘So, um, how are you?’ I asked.

‘Oh, good,’ she said. ‘You?’

‘Yes, good. I’m good.’ I gave a forced smile.

Silence.

‘So, um, this is the living room…’ she said.

I was about to point out that I’d been here A MILLION times before, but I didn’t, because then I’d actually have to come up with something else to talk about. So I just nodded.

‘Nice,’ I said.

And before I knew it, I was being taken on a tour of her house.

A TOUR OF HER HOUSE. A house that I basically GREW UP IN.

Eventually, we stopped in the kitchen.

‘So, this is the kitchen,’ she said.

Yes, I threw up in that vase , I thought.

‘Would you like a biscuit?’ she asked, holding out the tin.

‘Oh, no thanks, but thank you for offering,’ I said.

… No thanks?!

Thank you for offering?!

WHO AM I?!?!

I SO wanted the biscuit…but I was in this weird polite mode. As soon as I’d said no, I regretted it.

‘Shall we, um, play a board game?’ Gracie asked. I was still staring wistfully at the biscuit tin.

‘Er, yes, that sounds delightful,’ I said.

Delightful?

Then we went into the living room to play board games (which I let her win, obviously, because I value my life). It was all very…cordial. Almost stiff. Sort of like we were well-behaved Victorian children.

I guess nothing really bad happened, but it just never felt natural. I kept checking the clock and it wasn’t moving. Except it was moving, because I could hear it ticking. There were the kind of awkward silences you can actually hear and we had to keep reviving the conversation with small-talk CPR. The whole time I was thinking about the biscuit.

Eventually, her dad caught me raiding the biscuit tin with a crazed look in my eye. I gave some excuse about having to leave and quickly got out of the house.

Now I’m walking home in disgrace, pulling crumbs out of my hair.

Evidence: Friend dates can be just as awkward as romantic dates.

Seriously, I was nervous about this…but I really did think friend-dating would be easier!!! I mean, I know for a fact that Gracie’s not going to lunge at my face when I’m least expecting it, or attempt to cuddle me when I’m trying to consume snacks. The threat of teeth bumping has been removed. I don’t have to worry about whether my hands are sweaty or whether I’ve eaten garlic. And still , with all of that stuff gone, I can barely have a coherent conversation?! With someone I’ve known and hung out with nearly every day for five years?!

How is that even possible?!?!

Ugh, one failed attempt to make a new friend and one failed endeavour to hang out with an old one. This whole ‘spread the platonic love’ thing is NOT going as planned. Now I feel lonelier than ever.

Friday, 7 November

posted by EditingEmma 17.07

Faith got back from holiday yesterday, so we’re all going out to see some fireworks.

‘Do you know if Claudia’s coming?’ I asked Steph.

‘I asked Faith, she said it’s too soon.’

‘Eugh, WHAT.’

‘They have only been on two dates…’

‘But…but…I want to her meet her!’

‘I think your eagerness is only making it less likely.’

‘What?! I can be cool!’

‘Yeah, the twelve hundred pictures I have of you photobombing me and Andy really prove that.’

‘Point taken.’

‘Andy’s coming anyway, and a couple of his mates.’

‘Does that mean Meathead Babs?’ I asked, with trepidation.

‘Unfortunately, yes,’ she answered.

posted by EditingEmma 20.18

At the Display

Having so much fun watching the fireworks. At least I would be, if it wasn’t for Meathead Babs’ loud guffawing.

‘ What is so funny about fireworks?!’ I whispered to Steph.

‘I have no idea,’ she said.

posted by EditingEmma 20.27

Mystery solved. Just heard Babs say on the phone, ‘No really, mate, they looked exactly like your jizz, that time we ate all that food colouring at Gav’s.’

posted by EditingEmma 23.37

A Breakthrough Moment

Back home now, and I think I might have actually had a breakthrough moment with Gracie!!

All evening, I thought I saw her looking a bit uncomfortable at times. My first clue was when Steph and Andy were in front of us, using a filter where Steph’s head looked GIGANTIC and Andy had four noses, and Gracie smiled but didn’t laugh. I mean, if someone isn’t laughing at face-contorting Snapchats, there must be something wrong.

Then I noticed she kept staring at her phone, not really getting involved in conversation. I was wondering what was up, and then I remembered it was probably the first time she’d been out with Steph and Andy together. I know she said she was fine with it, but it’s probably going to take some getting used to… I mean, if I’m feeling weird about this, it must be ten times weirder for Gracie.

THEN came the breakthrough moment. Faith was smiling goofily at her phone, at what I’m assuming were messages from Claudia. Meathead Babs was busy pretending to lick his hot dog in an erotic manner. Steph and Andy were taking a selfie. Just as I was about to jump into the perfect Emma-sized gap between their heads, I noticed Gracie looking a bit lost and small.