Chloe Seager - Friendship Fails of Emma Nash

She has a big family. (Can I ask her about this? Compare to my tiny one?)

She recently went to Bali. (I’ve always wanted to go?)

She had a tooth out. (Ask if was painful?)

Hmm. I don’t know if I should use the tooth thing. That was six months ago and might give away that I’ve essentially been revising her life.

posted by EditingEmma 17.15

Something Awful Has Happened

No. No nonono nonononoooo. NOOOOOOOO.

Oh God.

NO.

How can my plan have gone awry already?!?! I only started this afternoon! And I haven’t even spoken to Anika yet!!!

I’d just completed my research. I was still on her Twitter, about three years back, when I had a sudden urge for a Jammy Dodger. As I was grasping for the Dodger, which was just out of reach, I slipped a little bit…and my other hand was still on the trackpad…

I accidentally clicked.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

For a moment, I thought, it will be OK. You just liked one of her old tweets. Standard. A bit embarrassing but I’ll just pretend it never happened, she’ll just pretend she never saw the notification and we’ll all move on. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in years to come when we’re bezzies.

But no. I didn’t just ‘like’ one of her tweets from the end of last year.

I RETWEETED IT.

Oh God. And it’s possibly one of the weirdest things I could have retweeted. It’s a photo of her ninety-year-old granddad, saying, ‘90 today, wow!! Happy Birthday, love you so much.’

Now Anika’s very old relative is just sitting there on my own profile. Baring his missing teeth in a grim smile, birthday hat tipped jauntily to one side, a glassy look in his eye, about to tuck into his little piece of cake.

I tried to delete it, but, of course , because the Gods of Sod’s Law love to taunt me…at that very moment my computer froze up.

‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!’ I screamed. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!!’

I waited for the computer to restart and raced back on, only to see that Anika had already been online. My heart sank. She’d already seen it.

What do I do now??!

posted by EditingEmma 17.18

He’s still there. It’s starting to feel distinctly creepy. Mum came in and said, ‘Why are you staring at a picture of an old man?’

His glassy eyes are boring into my soul.

posted by EditingEmma 17.25

Gave in and rang Steph again. I know she’s out with Andy today, but desperate times and all that.

‘STEPH,’ I said.

‘What’s up?’

‘I retweeted a picture of Anika Khatri’s grandfather.’

‘I…you what?!’

‘I retweeted a picture of her grandfather. Help! What do I do?’

I heard Andy’s voice in the background.

‘It’s Emma,’ Steph said. ‘She retweeted a picture of some girl’s grandfather.’

‘Oh great, let’s involve more people in this,’ I said.

‘Why?’ I heard him say.

‘Yeah, why?’ repeated Steph.

‘It was an accident, OBVIOUSLY.’

‘Why were you on Anika’s profile?’ Steph sounded baffled.

‘She’s number one on the New Friend List.’

‘Hang on, I’m just having a look…’

There was a silence.

‘Oh my GOD.’ Steph burst out laughing again. ‘You total WEIRDO.’

‘Steph, this is not helpful. Any advice on where to go from here would be much appreciated.’

I heard mumbling.

‘Andy says un-retweet immediately.’

‘What about you?’

She thought for a second. ‘I say…style it out.’

‘Style it out?’

‘Yeah. I mean, she’s already seen it. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you just act like it’s totally normal, she’ll think it’s totally normal.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. Ooh ooh, I know, you should retweet some more random stuff. Make her think you’re one of those people who just retweets EVERYTHING. You know, like Desperate Paul?’

‘You think that will work?’

‘Definitely.’

posted by EditingEmma 19.01

Right, I’ve just retweeted eleven other things on Anika’s account and I’ve been COMPLETELY indiscriminate. I’ve retweeted everything from old relatives to dance school stuff to how we should all be using Tesco bags for life.

Should I keep on going? 15.59

The more the better I think. S x 15.59

Feeling a bit calmer now. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I will have salvaged this potential relationship.

posted by EditingEmma 19.45

Emma’s New Friend, Part 1: Mission Failed

I don’t believe this!!!! Anika’s blocked me!! She BLOCKED me!!!

Rang Steph again.

‘Steph, she BLOCKED me!’

‘What?!’

‘She’s actually blocked me!’

‘How do you know?!’

‘It says to follow her, and I never unfollowed! That’s a textbook blocking!’

Steph started laughing again.

‘Steph! This is no laughing matter! Does she not know we’ve got a lifelong, rock-solid friendship ahead of us?!’

‘I guess not.’

‘I feel so deflated. I thought she was fun!’

‘Maybe you mistook loud for fun,’ Steph answered.

‘Or maybe I should never have followed your terrible advice,’ I scoffed.

‘Hey, you’re the one who RTed a picture of her granddad. I was trying to be supportive earlier but…there was really nowhere to go from there.’

She has zero regard for my humiliation. Oh my God, I don’t believe this. This is so embarrassing. Blocked by my new best friend. I thought this was going to be a breeze!

Evidence: Meeting new friends online is not necessarily easier than online dating.

Thursday, 6 November

posted by EditingEmma 11.09

New Friend Making: On Hiatus

I’ve decided that, today, maybe I should give ‘making a new friend’ a rest. Clearly I was unprepared for the potential threats that come with any kind of human interactions, not just the ones with kissing involved. I’m also trying not to bother Steph again today, because in ‘giving her space’ yesterday by not physically being with her, all I did was keep on ringing her instead.

Mum came into the kitchen.

‘Why have you got a face like a slapped arse?’ she asked.

‘I’m bored,’ I said. ‘Because I’m giving Steph space.’

I refrained from adding it was also because I got blocked for hounding some random girl at school with a well-intentioned but ultimately scary amount of notifications.

‘What about your other friends?’ asked Mum.

‘Faith’s on holiday.’ I shrugged.

‘Anyone else?’ she nudged. ‘Beginning with a G…?’

‘Gracie?’

Interesting…

‘I don’t know.’ I frowned.

Me and Gracie are definitely getting along better now, but still, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with her on my own…

‘If you’re really going to focus on your friendships,’ said Mum, all knowing , ‘wouldn’t that be the best place to start?’

I suppose I could message Gracie… In theory. Although, there are a lot of things one could do in theory. In theory I could climb a mountain. In theory I could watch something new, instead of starting Gilmore Girls yet again from the beginning. And we all know that’s never going to happen.

posted by EditingEmma 16.09

I Can Do This

Gave in when I started considering tidying my room as an actual possibility. Right… I can do this. I mean, last term I started conversations with boys I’d only ever seen around school. This term I plan on making friends with people I’ve never said a word to before (bar Anika Khatri, who we’ll put down as the inevitable ‘fist pancake’). Phoning Gracie, who I already speak to every day, should be a piece of cake… right?!