Victor Lodato - Mathilda Savitch

“I want to go home,” she said. But retarded-like. She was practically crying.

I could feel the heat moving up my neck.

I turned to the old lady. She made a gesture like I should get up and do something.

“It’s a play,” I said.

I had no idea what the hell was happening, it was like I was dreaming.

The old lady put her mouth by my ear. “Audience participation,” she said.

Lucy was holding out her hand toward me.

“I don’t know the lines,” I said. My neck was really burning. Even my throat was on fire.

“Be a good sport,” the old lady said. And she pushed me a little.

I looked at Lucy and I shook my head. Everybody was staring at me. I could feel the cookie moving around in my stomach. Finally Lucy turned to someone else thank god, a man in a red shirt. He got up from his seat and climbed the stairs toward the stage. The old lady clicked her tongue at me. Fuck you, I said. Except I didn’t say it for real. I said it inside ha ha like her stupid laughter.

And I don’t even know what the man in the red shirt did for Lucy because I’d turned to look for Ma and Da again. But the next thing I knew the snow had stopped and Lucy was kissing the man’s cheek. Thank you, she said. Dank you. I watched the man go back to his seat, smiling and brushing the fake snow from his shoulders like he was some kind of hero. And when I looked back at the stage all the furniture was there again, I don’t know how they did it. And there was Lucy, safe and sound, smack in the middle of her living room. And then Joe and Judy entered like nothing had happened and the stupid chitchat started up again.

That’s when I threw up on Ma’s empty seat. I kept my head down in case it happened again. I felt a tap on my shoulder. But it wasn’t them. It was the old lady.

“Here,” she said. She was trying to pass me a hanky.

“Wipe the seat,” she said.

When I sat back up I didn’t watch any more of the play. I closed my eyes and counted. My face felt like it was melting. When it was finally over I ran down the aisle while everyone was clapping. I realized I still had the old lady’s hanky and I threw it on the ground. Ma and Da were by the back door and I wanted to grab onto them but I just stormed past them.

“Hey hey,” Da said, “slow down.”

I ran outside. It had turned cold and the wind was snapping some flags.

“They wouldn’t let us back in,” Da said.

I looked at Ma.

“You didn’t see it?” I said. It made me crazy that she might not have seen the snow or the screaming or how I got sick on her seat.

“We watched it from the back,” Da said.

“You can’t just disappear,” I said.

“What are you talking about?” Ma said.

Da asked me what was wrong.

“I don’t feel well,” I said.

Ma touched my forehead but it didn’t mean anything. She didn’t keep her hand there for more than a second.

“You don’t have a fever,” she said.

“How would you know?” I shouted.

Da coughed. “I’ll get the car,” he said.

I stared at Ma as hard as I could.

“I thought it was going to be about space,” I said.

Ma laughed. “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said.

My old feelings came back and I hated her stronger than ever.

“The acting was good,” Ma said.

“Drool school,” I said.

Ma was half-smiling but I could see how fake it was. Cynthia Callis would have done a much better job. Ma’s dress was flapping in the wind and I thought, just fly away if that’s what you want.

“What did you say?” Ma said.

“Nothing,” I said. I felt like the streetlights were punching me in the face.

“Here,” Ma said, and she put her sweater over my shoulders.

“I’m not cold,” I said. But I was freezing.

I could seehow scared Ma was that I might start screaming. The way I used to scream the first few months, when I woke up from the dreams. In some ways, I thought, I have Ma in the palm of my hand. I imagined breaking her in a million pieces. I wanted to put my fingers around her throat and make her start singing.

“Here comes your father,” she said.

Da came around with the car and I ran over to it. I lay down on the back seat and wrapped Ma’s sweater around my head, which meant, Keep Out, Private Property.

No one said anything the whole way home. Ma’s sweater had perfume on it, the kind I love that smells like powder, but tonight it just made me sicker. I thought I heard Ma and Da whispering at one point but when I poked my head out of the sweater I realized it was just the radio. Da had put it on real low. It was the voices of strangers.

I have to get out of here, I thought. I started crying but I swallowed it.

“What are you eating?” Ma said.

That’s when I stopped breathing. I made myself into a dead person.

But then I had to breathe again, I couldn’t help myself.

When we were pulling into the driveway I saw Da’s eyes in the mirror. I guess he saw me as well. We looked at each other for a second, and with the mirror between us it was almost like the truth was coming out.

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