Barbara Angelis - Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

Warning: This is not a “men are jerks” book! It isn’t about blaming men, or making them wrong for how they behave

INSTEAD, IT’S A COLLECTION OF VALUABLE INFORMATION THAT I’VE SHARED WITH THOUSANDS OF WOMEN, INFORMATION THAT HAS HELPED THEM UNDERSTAND WHY MEN ARE THE WAY THEY ARE, AND TAUGHT THEM NEW WAYS TO RELATE TO MEN.

Have you ever wondered why men prefer to drive around lost for hours rather than stop and ask for directions?

Have you ever suspected that the men who try to control you are secretly afraid of the power you have over them?

Have you ever wondered why men have such a hard time letting you get really close to them?

Have you ever wondered why men get so upset when they are trying to concentrate on something and you try to get them to pay attention to you?

Have you ever asked yourself why a man will insist he isn’t worried or upset when you absolutely know he is?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you aren’t alone. Every woman knows the frustration of looking at the man she loves and feeling like she cannot understand why he is the way he is. The first thing you need to know is:

Men aren’t the way they are because they want to drive women crazy; they’ve been trained to be that way for thousands of years. And that training makes it very difficult for men to be intimate

Here, then, is some background information. Let’s look at:

1 Why I Call Men “The Solitary Hunter” and “The Displaced Warrior”

2 Why Men Have Always Dominated Women

3 How Men Are Trained to Be Unfit for Love

4 How TV Teaches Us Stereotyped Sex Roles

The time is thousands of years ago. The earth is an often violent, changing planet complete with volcanos, ice storms, floods, and harsh extremes of climate. Wild animals roam freely, far outnumbering the still-meager population of human beings, who live in small groupings whenever they can find shelter. The world is a primitive place, where survival of the fittest is the only reality.

Huddled inside a cave on a hillside, a family eats their one meal of the day – the last few scraps of meat from a wild deer killed by the male two days before. The meat is all that is left from that hunt. The male has tried unsuccessfully to find more food, but hunting is difficult in this weather. It’s been snowing for a week, and most of the animals have left and gone south to warmer valleys. But as he watches his woman and their two small children greedily lick every morsel from their fingers, he knows what he must do – he must go out and hunt, and he must not come back until he has killed. If he fails, he and his family will die, and will be eaten themselves by the wolves he hears howling every night.

Suddenly, the male leaps toward the entrance to the cave, his body poised for attack – he thinks he hears a suspicious sound. Perhaps it is another, more powerful male, hoping to kill him and take his woman and the cave for his own. Or perhaps it is a wolf or a lion, ready to attack and satisfy its hunger. Or perhaps it is just the wind; he cannot be sure. He is never sure. That is why he will not sit with his back toward the cave opening, but always faces it so he can see an approaching threat. That is why, even when he sleeps, he does not rest totally – part of him is always listening for sounds of danger.

He squats near the fire again. His heart is pounding in his chest. He is afraid; he is always afraid. But as he looks at his woman and his children, he knows he must never show them his fear. Without his courage, they would lose all hope. Without him, they are as good as dead. No, he must be strong. He must remember who he is. He is a man. He is a hunter.

The life of a man in modern society seems to bear no resemblance to the life lived by this primitive ancestor. And yet, up until not very long ago, man was still hunting and killing the food for his family; he had to be ready to defend them physically in times of war.

Twentieth-century man doesn’t need to hunt or fight. The skills for which he has been trained and bred for centuries are no longer necessary. There are no battles; there is no enemy; there is no challenge. He is the “displaced warrior.”

Is it any wonder, then, that women voice the following complaints about the men in their lives?

“He always seems so defensive – no matter what I say, he seems ready for a fight.”

“He has such a hard time opening up and showing me his feelings – it’s as if he always has to look so strong.”

“I wish my husband would reach out to other men for friendship, but he can’t seem to get close to men.”

“Bob takes his work so seriously that it drives me crazy. I try to get him to lighten up about it, but he acts like it’s a matter of life and death whether he gets a report done today or tomorrow.”

“My boyfriend gets so angry when he feels he’s being criticized or mistreated or challenged by someone – he interprets any kind of disagreement as an attack, and he attacks back with sarcasm and by acting like a bully.”

“When my husband is upset about something, he just bottles it up inside. He becomes cold and distant, and it takes me days of nagging before he’ll admit what’s bothering him.”

I’m sure you can see the remnants of the hunter-warrior mentality in the attitudes and behavior of these twentieth-century men. They are still being affected by forces within themselves that they may be totally unaware of. One theory is that human beings have a “genetic memory,” some kind of consciousness passed down through the centuries that links an accountant living a quiet life in the suburbs with every relative he’s ever had, all the way back to his primitive relatives of thousands of years ago.

It’s as if men “remember” those primitive impulses to defend, to never show weakness, to always stay in control, and unconsciously act these out in their everyday lives

Several years ago I had an experience that absolutely convinced me that genetic memory must exist. At the time I was in a relationship with a man who was a teacher and a writer. Every time we’d go out for dinner, I’d notice something strange. We’d enter the restaurant, the waiter would show us to our table, and I would sit down in whatever chair the waiter held out for me. If my chair had its back to most of the restaurant, my partner would take the other chair. But if my chair was the one that offered a better view of the entire restaurant, my partner would look very uncomfortable and ask if we could switch seats. The first few times this occurred I didn’t mind, and changed seats with him. But one night I was in kind of a stubborn mood, and when he asked if he could sit in the chair against the wall that looked out over the whole restaurant, I said, “No, I want this chair. You always get the nice views, and can watch everybody. This time I want to sit here.”

My partner reluctantly agreed, and sat down in the chair opposite me with his back to the restaurant. We ordered our meal and I began talking about my day, and other light topics of conversation, when I noticed how uncomfortable he looked. He was literally squirming in his seat. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I just don’t like sitting here, I can’t relax,” he replied.

“I don’t understand – what’s so terrible about sitting in that chair?”

“I can’t see anything,” he explained, “and I feel funny having my back to the room like this – it makes me nervous.”

For the next half hour we analyzed the funny feeling my partner had about sitting with his back toward the room, and what we discovered surprised us both. Although this man had never thought about it before, he always made a point of sitting so he could see whatever room he was in, whether in a restaurant or at a party. Although his rational mind knew there was no actual threat of danger in these situations, he still did not feel safe with his back turned – it went against something very deep inside him to even think about sitting that way. It was as if he could hear a voice in his head warning, Watch out! Stay alert!