Barbara Angelis - The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

Rule #2: Treat him like a competent, reliable person.

Rule #3: Don’t speak to him in “Mommy-talk.”

Rule #4: Agree on what responsibilities are his in the relationship, and don’t take over even if he makes a mistake.

Rule #5: Make a list: “The ways I play Mommy …” Read it every day, and give him a copy so he can bust you when you fall off the wagon.

Hang in there, and remember—when you break the mothering habit, you will feel and act more like a woman, and he will feel and act more like a man.

My wife had a very tough childhood, lots of physical and verbal abuse and very little love. The result is that she has locked herself behind thick emotional walls, and no matter what I do, I can’t get through to her. I know she loves me, but she has a hard time showing it and is very withdrawn. Is it possible for someone like this to ever open up? What can I do to break through her walls?

I’m going to say something you may not want to hear: It’s not your job to break through to her. It’s not your job to rescue her. It’s her job to rescue herself.That doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of her healing process, but that can only happen if she decides she wants to break free from her emotional prison.

Perhaps, like many of us who have loved someone in emotional pain, and wanted desperately to save that person, you haven’t asked your wife the most important questions: Do you want to change? Do you want to open up emotionally? Are you willing to do whatever it takes, counseling, reading, seminars, to heal yourself of the emotional damage from your childhood?

Whether your marriage works or not lies in her answer to these questions. If she wants to heal herself, and is willing to take action to do so, then you have a chance. But if she won’t, or can’t start a journey of recovery, you will need to face a very heartbreaking but necessary fact—your wife may be emotionally incapable of having the kind of healthy relationship you want, at least right now, and perhaps for a long time to come. Some people truly are too wounded, too damaged to love fully and freely. And ironically, your pressuring your wife to open up and let you in may actually make her feel even worse about herself and more like a failure than if she were in a less demanding relationship, or even lived alone.

While you’re asking her the questions I mentioned, you need to ask yourself some too, because it’s no accident that you are in this kind of relationship and are acting as a rescuer. Rescueholics tend to become involved with partners they feel compelled to help, whom they feel sorry for . This almost always goes back to your own unfinished emotional business from childhood. Maybe there was someone you couldn’t rescue, but wanted to, like an abused mom, an alcoholic dad, an ailing sibling. Or maybe the person you wanted someone else to rescue was yourself, so you’re acting it out as an adult. Do some emotional work on your own issues, because you may “need” her to be messed up in order to run out your own patterns.

Someone once said that you can’t force a flower to open its petals before it’s time. Find the courage to ask your wife if she’s ready to work on loving you the way you need to be loved, and know that the truth will set you both free.

I’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and for the last ten, I’ve felt numb toward my partner. We’ve discussed divorce, but neither of us really wants to go out and start dating at this point in our lives. Is it possible for us to fall back in love again, or should we just accept the fact that our marriage is over?

Yes, it’s possible to fall back in love again, or more accurately, to break through the numbness you are both feeling and rediscover the love that is still there underneath. If you’re a couple (and I’d bet anything you are) who never worked on maintaining the intimacy in your relationship, avoided major confrontation, suppressed unpleasant emotions, and didn’t talk about your feelings, then of course you are feeling numb. You’ve spent years becoming experts at numbing yourselves to the little things, and now you’re wondering where the love went. It may still be there in hibernation, underneath all the other frozen emotions.

It sounds to me like you are both not only numb to one another, but numb period. You aren’t interested in dating or starting your love life over again, and I’ll bet you feel kind of tired and blasé about everything. This could be a major turning point in your life, a moment where you look at one another and say, “I’m tired of feeling this tired of everything …-I’m tired of feeling numb … I’m ready to make some changes.”

The first step is to break through that numbness by confronting some of the issues that are sure to be lurking beneath the surface. You won’t be able to do this on your own—you’ll need help, and I suggest you find a well-trained therapist or marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation for helping couples in trouble. If you don’t get the results you want, try someone else, read books, attend seminars, etc. You won’t be able to tell if your marriage can be saved until you try everything. Then, if you decide it’s over, you can do so knowing you made every attempt to resurrect the relationship.

Here’s something to give you some hope: I’ve personally worked with thousands of couples who believed they were on the verge of divorce, who, after giving their relationship the attention it needed, fell back in love again; every week I receive letters from couples I’ve never even met, but who share this same kind of success story with me. So it’s not just possible—it’s happening all the time, and I pray it can happen for you too.

I consider myself lucky to have a husband who is my best friend, and two healthy young daughters. So I feel even more guilty to admit that I’m jealous of my girls! The truth is, my husband gives them more attention and affection than he gives me. I always brag about what a great dad he is, but I need more physical and emotional closeness with him. I’ve tried to talk about this, but he ends up feeling criticized and pulls even farther away. Am I expecting too much?

Guess what? Millions of wives and mothers feel the same secret envy you do about how much love their husband shows the kids, so be assured that you’re not “bad,” “selfish,” or “weird”—you’re just not getting everything you need from your partner. (I hear this same complaint from men, too, by the way, about their wife showing the kids more affection.) So the first step is to stop making yourself wrong for longing to be the recipient of the tenderness and caring your husband showers on your daughters. Of course you’re jealous: the little girl inside of you is hungry for the intimacy you know your mate is capable of, since you see him share this with your girls. I know it feels awful to see your own daughters, whom you adore, as rivals, but that’s what’s happening.