Barbara Angelis - The 100 Most Asked Questions About Love, Sex and Relationships

Of course, both partners need to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. And it’s essential to share a vision and understanding of the purpose of your relationship, so that when stuff comes up, and it will, you remember what you’re doing there in the first place. Here are three understandings I suggest couples adopt:

1. We have been brought together for the purpose of helping each other grow, and will be each other’s teacher.

2. Our relationship is a precious gift—it will take us through whatever we need to learn to become more conscious, loving human beings.

3. The challenges and difficulties we experience will always illuminate our most needed lessons.

My boyfriend of two years is a flirt! He’s always staring at other women when we are together, especially certain body parts, and sometimes he even comes on to women right in front of me. When I complain about his behavior, he insists he’s just being “friendly,” and “joking around,” and accuses me of being “insecure” and “jealous.” What do you think?

What I think doesn’t count—it’s what you think and feel that matters, and you already know what that is. You think he’s acting like an insensitive jerk, and he is! You don’t need me to validate your opinion, but since you asked, I’ll add a little something! What your boyfriend is doing is totally disrespectful. I call it “leaking sexual energy.” He may not be doing anything physical, but on the astral plane, he’s lusting after, undressing, and probably doing much more to other women, and right in front of you no less. His saying it’s just “friendly” behavior is like someone whose dog is humping your leg telling you the animal is just being friendly. You know it’s much more—you can feel it in your gut.

As for his accusations that you are “insecure” and “jealous,” those are buzz words men (and women) often use to control their partner, invalidate their feelings, and make them feel something is wrong with them. Don’t fall for it, and don’t let him minimize what he’s doing to you. This is a problem that needs facing.

See, there’s a difference between “noticing” that another human being is attractive as she walks by, and enjoying the contribution her beauty adds to the world, and, on the other hand, having a wild, ten-second sexual orgy with her in your imagination. The first is acknowledging attractiveness; the second is indulging in it and, temporarily, forgetting that your sexual commitment is to your partner. And you know when your lover is doing the second, because it feels like he disappeared for ten seconds—and he did.

Now, let me take his side for a moment, because the fact is that unfortunately our society trains and even supports men to behave in this disrespectful manner toward women. It’s the old eye-winking, back-slapping boys’ club that gives men points for “scoring,” and looks the other way on cheating, flirting, etc. So it’s possible that your sweetheart is a really nice, but misguided, member of the male race who just doesn’t realize how his behavior is hurting you. Then again, it’s possible that he’s not a nice guy and couldn’t care less about your feelings. That’s a distinction only you can make.

Try sharing this information with your boyfriend without blaming him, coming from a more neutral place. See if it helps him understand how hurtful his behavior is to you, and let him know you respect yourself too much to stay in the relationship if the flirting continues.

My husband and I have been married for ten years, and have three small children, but I feel like I have four kids—including him. I find myself treating him like a child because he acts like one. He’s always misplacing things, forgetting appointments, and leaving his stuff all over the house. I hate feeling this way, and I know it turns him off, because our sex life is practically nonexistent. How can I stop acting like his mother?

Boy, am I glad you asked. Mothering our men is one of the biggest mistakes women make in relationships. The more we treat them like little boys, the more they act like it. They end up resenting us and, eventually, rebelling against us just like they did against Mom at some point. And what’s worse, mothering your mate is the quickest and deadliest way to kill the passion in your love life. After all—no man wants to sleep with his mother, so if you’re acting like her, it’s going to be just about impossible to turn him on, unless he has a strange fetish for nagging and scolding.

Now, as a woman, I know how natural it is to mother someone you love. We’re trained to do it from the time we are children ourselves. After all, your first and most predominant experience of love was probably associated with your mother, who carried you inside her for nine months, fed you, bathed you, burped you and powdered your behind. Once you realized you, too, were a female, it was just a mental hop, skip, and jump to treating people you love with a “mothering, nurturing” attitude. There’s only one problem—it drives men crazy, reminds them of you know who, and makes them want to leave home all over again.

There are six “Mommy-No-No’s” that we do as women:

1. We act overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves(choosing his clothes, picking up after him, finding his keys).

2. We play verbal guessing games with men to try and pull information out of them.(“You’re hungry … how about some cereal? No? What about pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, what if I make you some nice soup?”)

3. We assume men will be absentminded or forgetful and remind them of information they should remember by themselves.(“Don’t forget it’s trash night…” “Don’t forget to pick up milk …”)

4. We scold men as if they were children.(“How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the kitchen lights?”)

5. We take charge of activities that we assume they can’t do right.(Planning trips, taking the kids out to buy clothing.)

6. We correct and direct them when they don’t ask for our help.(Correcting their memory, offering the “right way”, to cook something.)

I know what you’re thinking… “But he always forgets where he put his keys” … “But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done …” Believe me, I’ve been there. All I can say is that you have much more to lose by behaving motherly than you do by waiting for him to find the keys once in a while. So here are my rules for you to follow if you want to transform yourself from a mother back into a lover:

Rule #1: Stop doing things for your mate that he can do for himself.