Vicky Beeching - Undivided - Coming Out, Becoming Whole, and Living Free From Shame

William Collins

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

WilliamCollinsBooks.com

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by William Collins

First published in the United States by HarperOne in 2018

Copyright © Victoria Beeching

Victoria Beeching asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Designed by Yvonne Chan

Front cover Design by Matthias Roberts

Photos by Nicholas Dawkes

“Above All Else” here by Vicky Beeching, copyright © 2001 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire) (PRS) admin. in North America by Music Services.

“Undivided Heart” here and here by Vicky Beeching, copyright © 2010 Thankyou Music (PRS) (adm. worldwide at CapitalCMGPublishing.comexcluding Europe which is adm. by Integrity Music, part of the David C. Cook family. Songs@integritymusic.com) / Integrity Worship Music (ASCAP) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from New Revised Standard Version Bible. Copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Source ISBN: 9780008182144

Ebook Edition © June 2018 ISBN: 9780008182151

Version: 2018-07-18

This book is dedicated to the memory of Lizzie Lowe, a fourteen-year-old British girl who tragically took her own life in 2014 because she feared telling her Christian community that she was gay.

Research statistics show that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBTQ+) young people are far more likely to self-harm, suffer from mental-health issues, and contemplate suicide than their heterosexual peers.

For Lizzie and the countless other LGBTQ+ young people who have ended their lives out of fear and shame: We will remember you. Your stories matter. We carry you in our hearts.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Preface

Chapter One

PART I: BEGINNINGS

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

PART II: OXFORD

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

PART III: AMERICA

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

PART IV: RETURNING HOME

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

PART V: INTO THE UNKNOWN

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Appendix: A Benediction for Inclusive Worship

Footnote

Notes

Author’s Note: Resources and Disclaimers

Acknowledgments

About This Book

About the Author

About the Publisher

This is a book about me, and also not a book about me.

It’s a memoir about the battle I’ve fought to make peace with who I am and to unlearn a lifetime of shame and fear. In my case, this centered on the vast tension between being gay and being Christian.

When I asked on social media, “What would you like me to include in my memoir?,” hundreds of you responded. A common theme was: “I identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community too. I wish there were more books I could relate to about growing up dealing with identity struggles. Reading those would make me feel less alone.” Others of you said, “I’m straight, but I want to understand what it’s like to be gay, so I can be a better ally. Your story could provide one example of that.”

Some messages I received said, “I believe the Bible teaches that same-sex relationships are sinful. Can you explain how you understand the Bible on this topic?” Others said, “I’m nonreligious and work in the corporate world, where I’m championing diversity. Your memoir could shine a light on the harm it does when you can’t be your authentic self at work. It could encourage businesses to take better care of their staff’s well-being.”

I decided that all of these suggestions were important, so I chose to use them as my guide. Also, I decided that unless I was going to get vulnerable enough in the writing process to wonder whether I should really be putting certain things in print, the book was unlikely to help anyone. So prepare for me to share (and perhaps overshare) about the highs and lows of my teens, twenties, and thirties; about how I finally found the courage to come out, leaping into the unknown; and about what life has been like since.

Some of you, I hope, will feel a resonance—a sense of “me too.” Others of you reading this who believe that LGBTQ+ equality goes against the teachings of Bible, thank you for giving this book a chance. I hope you’ll keep the door of your heart open as you travel through its pages.

Right now, the issue of same-sex marriage threatens to split the global church. In news headlines, in political campaigns, and on social media, people with polar views are debating this heated topic. It’s reaching boiling point. Juggernauts like the Anglican Church, with its 85 million members worldwide, teeter on the edge of a split. This book is only a drop in the ocean of that vast situation, but it’s my attempt to show that LGBTQ+ people of faith, and same-sex marriage, should be fully affirmed.

So, yes, this is a book about me and my story.

But it’s also a book that’s not about me. At least, not only about me.

It’s about something far bigger and wider—about themes that are woven into all of our human DNA: our need to find a place to belong, our fear of becoming vulnerable, our longing to be authentic, the shame we feel about aspects of who we are, and the way others’ criticisms can paralyze our ability to live and love.

So, this might be a story about you too. About the ways you feel awkward about, embarrassed by, or ashamed of parts of your identity, or the way fear holds you back and stops you from attempting to dream big. Diversity can be tricky: the very things that make us stunningly unique can also be the things we hide in the closet because they cause us to feel different from the crowd.

The shapes these differences take are as diverse as we are. Perhaps it’s that you can’t talk about your struggles with mental health; you’re dealing with anxiety or depression and don’t want colleagues at work to know. That part of your identity is firmly locked in the closet, even though deep down you wish you could be open about it.

Or maybe you’ve always known you are trans, but haven’t dared tell anyone, fearful that no one in your life will understand. Or maybe your battle is similar to the one I faced; you’re gay and terrified to come out.