Matt Beaumont - e - A Novel

to… Carla Browne

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re… SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx

to… All Departments

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re… carpeting

You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

to… Simon Horne

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re… fucking ghost ship

I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).

to… David Crutton

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re… fucking ghost ship

I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières . Leave it to me.

By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.

We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.

We are up a creek by the name of merde .

Sans paddle.

As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

Si

to… Susi Judge-Davis

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re… teams

Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

to… David Crutton

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re… Mako

Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.

Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

to… Simon Horne

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re… teams

Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx

to… James Gregory

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re… Mako

You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

to… Creative Department

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bcc… David Crutton

re… your careers

A nightmare is developing on Mako.

We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

‘Is it a gold?’

Si

to… All Departments

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re… anybody out there?

It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!

Nige

to… Nigel Godley

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re… anybody out there?

Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4 th.

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